S.A.D. (Winter's Worst)

The first snowfall,
It should be a happy moment,
For me it signals misery:
A five month spell of sadness.

I should be outside,
Building a snowman,
A snow angel,
If I'm lucky an ice sculpture.

Instead, I hide inside,
In my den like a fox,
Crying into a tear-stained pillow,
Overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

Uncontrollable with the lack of sunlight.
Solutions with no resolutions.
It's depression to the point where running and writing cannot touch it.
It slowly kills me; a dark pit hollowed in.

The cure for myself?
It is the feeling of waking up to Spring.
A warmth that grows and melts the Winter's worst.
A smile of pure joy spreads through me like hope.

Robin sweetly chirping a song of return,
Trees coming out of a slumber,
The sun's warmth,
The bright yellow of dandelions poking out of the ground.

A fire rekindled.
A light renewed.
A positivity to rejoice in for many months.
A song that now be sung.

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.

Winter Extinguishes, Spring Revives

For Someone I Liked

The snow gently falls,
The ice sparkles a glistens in patches.
As I see it all, taking in the scene,
I am reminded why I guard my heart over this season.
Winter freezes and extinguishes my fire.
Waiting for Spring to fill me, again, with hope.

That is . . .
Until I see your face.
I become less harsh, I am myself.
I warm up and, really, genuinely smile.
When I do, I see your smile.
And it makes me melt.

In your embrace,
I feel whole,
Whole and safe.

When you leave,
I feel empty,
Empty and alone.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Smile of Glass

Inspired by "Just a Game" by Birdy and "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

It's all just a game.
Waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I'm just a piece in their lives.

I break my heart over and over,
Yet I paint a smile for them,
Politely wave again.
I am no hero,
But I'm treated as such.

A dualistic bout:
Between the faces in the crowd
And the faces of the few I love.
Facades the latter see hurt them like they do me.

In deepest depths of my bedroom,
The glass smile breaks.
My tears fall into my pillow.
I'm cold with loneliness.
I hold back more and more to handle it all.

It's all just a game,
Another day of waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I am not going to be a piece in their lives anymore.

I prefer the few I love,
Over the many that seem to fall only for the mask.

Cold Blood and Skin

My blood ran cold,
It is frozen like ice,
Painful like tiny knives through my veins.
I shiver badly, and I'm so cold.

The grip of the cold squeezes all my insides,
None more than my heart.
My skin bursts into bumps,
The vessels in my eye hurt.

Acid-like tears stain my face.
They are caustic and warm enough to melt concrete.
They burn my icy-blue eyes.
I can't stop...

Pain makes me strong,
But it takes time for that.
Time that slows down like molasses down a snowy hill.
Cutting into me harshly like the blood in my body.

The soft pillow on my head,
Gives me comfort as I curl up.
I sleep, in shock, but cold.
Knowing that soon I'll be stronger for it.

Barrier Breaker: Letting Go of the Hurt

For those in my past that chose to hurt me in the end. I am letting you go and you will stay in my past.

I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.

I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.

I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.

I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.

I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.

I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.

I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.

I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.

Far Away

For C.W.

Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.

I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.

Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.

I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.

Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.

Tidal Waves

Rise and fall.
Standing tall and towering.
Crashing in the wake of a storm.
Tidal waves collapse onto you in my anger.

I stand up to you in ferocity.
I stand up to you with energy expelled.
I take that stand because no one has.
My wrath isn't a mere splash.

I make you tremble.
I make you shiver in the coldness of the water.
I have released it all.
You get it all.

You deserved the towering wave.
Full force and drenched.
Feel how I feel and you'll know why.
I won't apologize for it.

Rising and falling.
Crashing.
Drenched.
Finished.

Disconnected and Disjointed

Gold,
As warm as the sand beneath my feet.
As I stand a strong man before you.
Still have my trust,
So you have my hand in yours.

Hold it.
Lace it.
You see my pain.
The pain you caused in absence.

You help me believe I was something,
But that was a truth disguised lie.
You comfort me with truth,
You made me disconnect with myself.
I am something to you.

Hold it.
Lace it.
Cherish it like a precious diamond.
Turn it to treasure.

I love and care deeply,
My wounds are mended.
I am truly warm with a beating heart.
You have sewn me together, mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to treasure,
With one final touch.
Never to stone,
With one final kiss...

Stone,
As cold as frozen tears in winter.
As I stand a husk before you.
You lost my trust.
So in place you get my stone heart.

Crush it.
Beat it.
You know no pain.
Not the pain I feel.

You told me I was something to you,
But that was a lie disguised truth.
You comfort me with lies,
You made me disconnect from myself.
I am nothing to you.

Crush it.
Beat it.
Slam it against the wall.
Turn it dust.

I hurt and ache deeply.
My wounds cut right open.
I'm truly cold with no heart.
You cut me open, no mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to dust,
With one final kiss.
Never to gold,
With one final touch...

Fallen

For those that don't have the strength to continue

I have fallen,
No one to catch me.

My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.

My heart is broken,
Now I cry.

I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.

You smile,
I frown.

Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.

I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...

I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.

 Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.

Snow Kisses and Embraces

I watch the snowfall.
Graceful and beautiful.
Glistening like diamonds in the light.
Melting like your kisses on a dark, cold night.

I watch the flakes dance.
Dancing in the wind.
Dancing right into my hair.
They must have found a haven with me,
Like I with you.

 I watch the crystals land on the frozen ground.
Stuck and immovable.
Forming like a guarded fortress.
Like you took hold of,
But only for shelter.
And you held me with a warm embrace,
Hot breath on my skin.

Your graceful kiss...
Your homely safety...
Your warmth in your hugs...
Are what I see, not etched in cold stone,
But etched in snow.

Hear

 For Unrequited Love

I hear a sweet melody.
I feel the steady beat that I mistake for my own heart.
I hear the words,
But I realize it was you.
Singing in that low tone you have,
It isn't quite baritone, but still, I'm on cloud nine.

I listen to that beautiful voice of yours.
I can't understand why you don't use it more often.
I love the music you make.
You don't think I'm listening, hearing it.
I never thought I'd hear a song from you.

The song I hear you sing reminds me of a lush field.
Notes sung lay like grass and blow like a breeze.
I think of us in a plain, looking to the sky,
Watching the clouds change shape.
The harmony like the brook that flows as it hums.

I don't want it to end, but it does.
It ends, and my fantasy of the meadow... fades...
My day turned to night and rages into a storm.
I'm alone...
Alone in the meadow as rain falls,
Like my tears down my face.

I stay strong.
And hold back my tears as lightning strikes the ground.
A fiery ring surrounds me as I stand.
I watch and hear the dancing flames.
The crackle warms my now cold heart as it rings in my ears.
I may not have you, but I have an everlasting fire.
A fire in my heart that burns with strength...
Determination...
Perseverance...
It burns, and I feel it.
I hear it beating.
I hear it speaking to me.
I hear it screaming!
Telling me, I am still alive.

The fire can't destroy me.
The ring that burns into my retinas.
The image searing into my brain.
I'm immune to this danger.
I walk through...
I walk through it with no pain.
Just warmth surrounding me.

My thoughts leave me as I find myself lying asleep next to you.
Your warmth is what I felt.
It's what burned like fire.
Your arm around me tight,
Afraid I'll fly away... or fall apart.
I am whole, and I am calm.

I hear your sweet song in my head.
Against the snoring melody you make.
And I fall to sleep as it all starts again...

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Struggle #5 (Senior Year)

From the 12th grade me

When you think things could get better,
They don't...
 I was continually dodging,
Always hiding from people.

I felt worse and worse about myself,
The pattern to survive had already sunken in.
I had to do what I had to do to live.
Waiting to hear more slurs and scandals.

I felt I still had no one to lean on,
I felt frightened into a corner.
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to get out of my head.
I wanted to find someone who cared about me.
I wanted to feel sane with the madness.
I wanted to tear into some people who talked about me like I wasn't there.

The days I regularly ran,
And pretending the pavement was the faces of those who hurt me.
Running because I couldn't let them catch me.
Running because I didn't want to be this person,
I needed to not survive for one moment.

Survival was all I had...
It kept good people out.
And let me keep the bad people who said they'd be with me.

Survival daily.

Don't Let Go

Truly for K.J.S.


Out on the streets
In the broad daylight
I want to hold your hand
And when I do...
Please don't let go...
Because you are keeping me from falling apart.

When you leave to go somewhere
Whether it be near or far
I want you to hug me
Embrace me in your warmth...
Please don't let go...
Because I need to feel that you are real.

In the bedroom
On a cold night with the moonlight
illuminating your face.
I want you to hold me tight...
When you do...
Baby, please don't let go...
Because you might be all, I have.

When the morning sun greets us
Through the window
I want us to sleep longer
When we do just that...
Please, baby, don't let go...
Because that's the way, it's supposed to be.

Sleepless Night

I lay my head against the pillow.
Eyes searching through the darkness.
The cold, darkness that surrounds me
as I bring the comforter up to my neck.

The cold is choking me and causes me to as I lay awake.
Knowing of the unknown petrifies me.
No soft golden glow of the Sun until the morning.
There is a need for a halcyon night.

My eyes are open to the surroundings.
I cannot close them because something might be coming.
I must be able to fend off an attacker.
I need to protect my body from the harm that may never come.

As silly as it seems, nothing will ever come.
I shut my eyes after a few more minutes
watching the bedroom door.
Knowing that morning is close at hand.
Knowing that soon I can rest and be amongst the living.

I can only sleep restfully when you're right here with me.

The Man with the Heart of Fire

 For those that doubt me

My body is shaking...
Tired of the games that people put me in.
Wasting their time...
They are only building up my resilience piece by piece.

My body just shakes more...
Shaking from the exhaustion, I am put through.
Waiting for the last strike...
Waiting for the death of my spirit, that seems inevitable...
And waiting for a reprieve to spare my spirit...
Ever so vigilant, ever so ready to make my counterstrike.

I'm set ablaze and walk out of the flames.
Unscathed like the fire burning inside my heart.
I'm stronger than the icy touch of those who trespass upon my path.
I melt the icy hearts that most people carry.
I am the lion, I am the phoenix, I am RESILIENT!!

My courage comes out of my fear of taking a stand.
My courage is in my own strength and selflessness.
My warm-blooded heart is what cures the sad and lonely.
The warmth from my kindness heals and attacks like venom when needed.

When I return to my den... I return victorious.
Victorious and fearful of retaliation.
The games I was put in made me increasingly vigilant.
Vigilant...
Vulnerable...
Grateful to be alive and unscathed...
I stepped out of the fire...
The fire in my heart is ever-growing and helps my body keep going.

My body shakes...
From never knowing what is around the next corner.
My heart wondering how much more it can take...
Before the fire is put out...

Idaho: My Oasis

There's nothing like sitting in a tree
an a cold spring day.
Nothing like the cold mountain air on your skin.
The stream calmly rolling by.
Not a care in the world.

Aside from the blatant bigotry,
Idaho is a beautiful place.
Pine trees everywhere,
and they are like a soft blanket of green.
Moss softly covering them from trunk to canopy.

Birds chirping a sweet song of spring.
Living a purely happy life.

I wish I could just run away into the dense woods.
Nothing, but the birds, the trees, the cold,
and surviving on my own.
Away from life...
Away from the civilization...
Away from everything...

I need to climb a tree and sleep.
Sleep on the cushions of moss.
Listening to a calming stream and a
sweet song of the jays.