A River Runs

A river runs,
Never freezes, never stops.
Bangs against rocks.
Rushes, whispering down, down, down.
Until it aligns with something bigger than itself.

Much like the brain,
They never stop, thoughts run along axons.
Nerves run through and along organs.
Speeds that break necks, around, around, around.
Neurons connecting in endless lines joining into somethings bigger than themselves.

A river is free, uncaring;
Ripping apart all it sees.
Yet we see it as peace when calm,
Hatred builds when it floods;
Something completely out of our control.

A brain is as logical as we make it.
Always learning, never stops learning.
At every turn, either peace of hatred,
It just goes.
Mad at thinking we have less control than a river.
When indeed we have more.

A river runs,
Much like a brain.
Never stops.
Whispering.
Aligning to something bigger than itself.

Bottled Up

There is a tension building against my chest.
It makes it hard to breathe.
If that grip loosens, I feel that my lungs will collapse.

There is a massive weight on my shoulders.
The burden of the world is on me.
I carry it with no way to put it down.

There are chains around my heart.
The guardian from the hurt, and then keeping everything in.
The key to the lock, lay hidden away.

I have walls around my mind.
I'm scared to let anyone climb them.
I'm afraid of what they'll see.

Bottling up is hard.
Letting go is much harder.
There just needs to be a chance for me to be free.

What No One Knows

What no one knows,
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.

All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.

I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.

Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.

I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.

What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

Enclosed by Glass

I feel enclosed.
Enclosed in a glass case.
On display to those I know.

I see most pointing and laughing.
Laughing for the fool I am,
And for the fool I have been.

I see the rest horrified and bewildered.
Reaching out to help, but they can't get close.
Fragile faces cracking.

I pound the glass with fists of iron.
Harder, harder, but still no cracking.
I hit the bottom, crying.

I'm stuck and in the air.
Laughed at by those who don't care.
Helped by those that do.

I can't get out.
The sadness I see is mine,
On the people that love me.

I never knew the effect I can have.
All I see in this moment now,
Is myself, tear-stained in the mirror.

Words

Words weave together like fabric.
Weaving to make something beautiful.
Beautiful like a river, transparent as glass.

Words can be hurtful.
Hurtful in the way that you can cut with daggers.
Daggers are thrown with intent in mind.

Words can heal wounds.
Heal the wounds that, in turn, cause.
In time, forgiveness comes.

Words...
Laughable to those that poorly use them.
Influential to those that can articulate.

Words weave into something special.
Words hurt like a bullet.
Words heal like a cast.

Words are forever.

Just Enough

Just enough,
And on edge.

On the inside,
I cannot breathe.

On the outside,
I am putting on a show.

On the inside,
I am crying.

On the outside,
I am smiling.

On the inside,
I try to be happy.

On the outside,
I try not to be sad.

Just enough,
I'm on edge.
One more push,
I'll feel myself fall.

I can handle it,
Most of it on my own.
But deep inside,
I need you because I feel you're mine.

No right or wrong,
Just pain.
No black or white,
Just in need.

Just enough...
And on edge.

Finding Peace

Peace...
Hope...
That's what I find in the wilderness.
My sanctuary in the trees.

The calmness of the running stream.
The stillness in the grove.
I find my solace here.

The trees stand still with time.
Ever growing in the rain and sunshine.
My friends that I can climb.
Deep into the canopy is where I'd like to be.

Sitting on the thickest branch I can reach.
I wonder and fall asleep to the whisper of the stream.
The chirping of the magpies and other birds is the last thing I hear.

Here I feel safe.
Here I can be me.
Here I don't have to answer to anyone.
Here I am free...

I have always loved the Earth.
Growing and fertile.
It reminds me there is something about this world that I love.

Peace and hope...
That's my reason for living.
Safe and free...
That is what is meant for me to be.

Memories

Often repressed,
Often revised,
Often remembered,
Often snide.

Memories are lost,
Memories are static.
Memories aren't perfect.
Yet they manifest in our dreams.

They help us remember how to do things,
Like eat, drink, and drive.
They help us remember those we hold dear to us,
Like dinners, movies, books, and people.

Ever staying some of them.
Like with people who suffer from post-traumatic stress.
Never forget and never let go.
Memories are scared no matter where you go.

Nightmares

 “'It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,' he says. 'I'm okay once I realize you're here.'" -Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
Unspeakable things happen.
Loved ones die and leave you to suffer.
Bugs crawl up underneath the skin.

Like a post-traumatic event,
They leave a stamp in your mind that seems all too real.
Revisiting the terrors of your high school days.
Revisiting the little things that have happened in your life.

My mind is ravaged with these horrid dreams.
Too much for me to handle on most nights.
I wake up in cold sweats and tears in my eyes.
I wake up screaming so I can make it stop.

Lucid, as they are, I know some are absurd.
They are real in a way to our waking life.
Nothing seems to end them because no matter what, they come back.
Nightmares are all too real in our minds.

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
They make me lie awake all night for fear I'll have another.
It is the monster that won't leave.
It is something that I cannot stop.
They will keep coming for me...

Ravaged

To the monster inside of me

My body feels ravaged.
Thinking of food never crossed my mind.
I was too busy taking care of the million things.
I had to do before thinking about eating.
No-one stopped me, no one...

I started going to bed hungry.
I thought I wouldn't be alive the next morning.
I had enough to get myself the things I needed,
but I felt I never had enough money to buy essentials.

I couldn't stop, my mind racing, my heart beating faster.
I felt like running, running from nothing but the air.
The fire of my heart slowly dying, fading...
The man with the heart of fire losing the battle in his mind.

Is this real... or not?
I couldn't wrap my mind around everything.
Why did this happen to me?
I didn't want to be thinner or anything.
I wanted to be me...
The me I knew a while back...
The me that knew he could fight the impossible.

He is there inside of me, and he is going to beat this monster.
The monster that beat me down...
Telling me I can't fight, telling me I won't win...

I will fight because my life is worth living.
Hungry no more says the new me...
Hungry no more!
Hungry no more...

I'm free from my cage that monster put me in.
I'm free to sing a beautiful song that makes people go silent.
Listen to the tune of freedom...
Listen...
Just listen to the song of strength I sing...
And you, too, can be free like me.

Idaho: My Oasis

There's nothing like sitting in a tree
an a cold spring day.
Nothing like the cold mountain air on your skin.
The stream calmly rolling by.
Not a care in the world.

Aside from the blatant bigotry,
Idaho is a beautiful place.
Pine trees everywhere,
and they are like a soft blanket of green.
Moss softly covering them from trunk to canopy.

Birds chirping a sweet song of spring.
Living a purely happy life.

I wish I could just run away into the dense woods.
Nothing, but the birds, the trees, the cold,
and surviving on my own.
Away from life...
Away from the civilization...
Away from everything...

I need to climb a tree and sleep.
Sleep on the cushions of moss.
Listening to a calming stream and a
sweet song of the jays.

Adonis: A Complex

I stand in front of the mirror...
All I see is that my body isn't good enough.
I'm not muscular...
I lift, and I lift, but I see nothing.
Nothing is achieved, and no next goal...

Is there something wrong? My diet, maybe?
Do I need to do more? Eat more?
Am I too skinny? Do I look fat?
Why do I question myself?
Why do I have this constant need to improve?

I'm looking at all these other guys who
have what I want...
A body to be proud of...
Muscle, masculinity, sweat dripping down their faces.
I want that so badly, but I feel my body can never reach
that potential.

I'm ashamed of my body...
I'm ashamed at myself for feeling this way...
I'm ashamed of not being perfect...
I'm ashamed of my thoughts...

I want to be beautiful, strong, and stop some hearts...
I want to view the world like it sees me...
I need to be freed from the complex of Adonis...

Thought Suppression

Do not think about a White bear.
What comes into your mind?
A White elephant?
A White rose?
Or perhaps the White snow?

Maybe a Black bear?
Or even a Grizzly?

There is something to be said by
why you try not to think of a White bear.
The answer is simple, but do not be alarmed!
It's all in the mind and even the best of the best
get tricked like this.

Do not fear feeling silly for suppressing
your thoughts of a White bear!
As you remember I did quite the same!
Think as you wish and let the mind
wander into the deep fathoms of your mind!!!

This is just a simple test,
Just remember...
                         Do not
                                     think
                                             of a
                                                    White
                                                             bear.........