Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

Fear of Fears

I don't fear the fear itself.
I fear the offshoot of the fear.

I fear heights,
But it's the fall when I slip.
Farther . . . farther . . . in the plunge.

I fear rejection,
But it's the feeling like I'm unloved.
Though I know it isn't true, but it's what I feel.

I fear losing people,
But it's because then I'll be alone.
I need people and friends to survive.

I fear failure,
But it's letting myself down and others.
The recovery nearly impossible.

Fears go deep and they will be there.
Yet hope finds a way to them.

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.

Sonnet J

For J

I cannot find the words to express you.
And yet I can always find them nearby.
It has taken a month; you have no clue,
That I set my feelings aside to fly.

I had to break the silence; I must try.
In you very hand, my proverbial heart.
The very secret I hide, covered a lie.
It is for you that my pen makes this art.

That you, of all men, give me a jump-start.
Your warm embrace, I do feel more alive.
I fear the day that comes when you depart.
You kiss is what I want to feel in drive.

My eye for you is of smarts and beauty,
It is you I attract, then be flirty.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Like Earth Meeting Water

Alone in the woods,
Thinking of the many things in this world.
None like the earth and the water.

In how they are in constant harmony.
They meet everyday without hate,
No prejudice, just peace.

The water helps the earth mold into something better.
The earth listens to the water with active ears.
The water whistles a tune from the heart.
The earth amplifies it for the world to hear.

If only I could see people act as such,
Like the earth meeting water.
If only I could find a man with those qualities,
To find my harmony within.

Dandelion (2)

For someone I can't put their initials up

I have found a dandelion,
I the coolness of the heat.
I want to give it to you,
Because you are what I hoped to find.

The glimmer of hope I held onto,
For so long, so long.
I found you among the weeds,
That lovely spot of yellow.

You are special,
You're amazing to me.
Sensitive like the petals,
Resilient like the stem,
Lovely like the color.

I've never had this much comfort,
Just in knowing you're there.
Knowing I have beauty holding my hand,
Knowing I have something as real as a flower.
The very flower that gives me hope.

I have found a dandelion,
I picked it just for you,
Because you are what I had hoped to find...
And more.

The Spell of the Heartbeat

For Anybody Under This Spell

I lay on your chest,
Listening to your heart.
It beats feverishly,
Going thump-thump,
And I shut my eyes to the rhythm.

A gentle sleep,
The heart puts that spell on me.
In my dreams, you're there,
Swaying in endless dancing with me.
An organ's music plays sweetly.

When I'm home,
I hear it rise and fall.
I take that musical sound with me.
I hear it pulsing,
Your ghost is there, but I know you're real.

With you, I'm not alone,
With you, my breath is taken,
With you, I can believe,
With you, I feel my own heart pulsing,
With you, I can see the colors clearly.

I wake up,
Your hand in mine,
Your heart goes thump-thump in my ear.
My face twists into a smile,
As I look up at you.

A Boy With Grandfather's Hands

For my only brother, E.R.M.

Eighteen months,
The time between our births.
You were made to be unique,
Given every bit of love and care.

Fate would have it that you would be gifted.
Gifted with carpentry and mechanical works.
The art you've created.
The things you've fixed.
You are special.

You reminded our mother of grandfather.
Tall and good with your hands.
You hold so much for her.
Autistic you may be, it doesn't matter to us.

Our bond is excellent, so close together.
I want to hug you and not let go.
Philia, brotherly love.
My brother until death.
I vowed to care for you as a guardian.

You may not fully express love,
But somehow, I know you do.
Soon you'll remind me of mom and dad.
Until then, you have my love as your only brother.

You Saw Me Soar in Resilience

For my mother, W.J.M.

You made me feel safe.
Inside your nest you built.
You built it up from nothing.
Just your love.

You saw me in flight.
You saw me sky-high from your nest.
I got shot down once or twice,
But you caught me mid-air.

The nights you held me still,
Through nightmares and tears.
You could make a coat with all those tears I shed.
You repel the water like eagle feathers.

But you still let me fly.
Soaring toward the sun.
You look on proudly.
Watching, to make sure I'm safe.

Your blue eyes meet mine.
In them, I see love.
In mine, you see the hurt.
You'd do anything to see me at peace.

I see where I get my strength,
In the love of others and loyalty.
And I smile to show I'm strong.
To that, I thank you.

What I Saw and What I See

For my father, J.W.M.

I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.

I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.

I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.

I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.

I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.

Hidden Mountains

Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.

I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.

I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.

Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.

They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.

They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.

For What It's Worth I Am Home

I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.

Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.

Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.

Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
 I am home.

Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.

I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.

What No One Knows

What no one knows,
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.

All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.

I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.

Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.

I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.

What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

Ocean: You and Me

For the people I love in my life

I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.

I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.

I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.

I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.

I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.

I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.

Love Like the Rain

For my memories of blissful love

Fallen rain,

Like piercing arrows shot from a recurve.

Freezing its targets,

Skin stings like a wasp.

A musky smell,

The ground secretes in its defense.

It fills the air like a noxious gas.

It smells sweet like honey as it enters my nose.

Sheets fall and roughly splashing into puddles.

Puddles that look dark in the night like ebony eyes shining.

It dances aimlessly across the plain and cracked earth.

I watch it lick like flames in a pit.

Cool gales blow,

Churning the puddles like waves of the sea.

I want to be on a small sailboat rocking back and forth,

Challenging Poseidon’s power in the wake.

Rain like this is like love:

Rough.

I couldn’t imagine life as rain.

Splashing to the ground and evaporating, cycling.

Love in humans: changes.

Changes from day- to-day,

Never-ending, but fading quickly.

But loving like the rain, in cycles, is real.