Seeing Red and Feeling Heat

My fuse, once long, slowly burns away.
Closer to making me explode.
The volcano bubbling and boiling inside me,
Is ready to erupt.

So much packed into me,
So little time to alleviate it.

I want to scream until I'm hoarse.
I want to punch out a wall.
I want to throw a rock so hard that it will shatter,
Falling apart as it slams into the ground.
I want to break glass,
And hope that the pieces shatter into bits.

Revenge isn't the answer to my full-grown anger.
Nor is isolation in my Tower.
The situations I am in call for action.
Actions of kindness and acceptance.

The things I'm angry about shouldn't matter anymore.
Situations in the past must stay there.

Hopefully, once my anger cools there will be a time of peace.
Until then, a long list should be taken care of for now.

Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

Speechless

It's time to say something.
It's time to act.
It's time to spill my heart out.

Yet, I lost my words.
I'm a writer, but I lost the words.
There are words I want to tell you.
Speechless . . .

You've left me speechless.
Stammering words.
I'm at a loss.

Before you leave, I have to say . . .
Say something because you're leaving.
Something, I need my words.
My words, I need.

Three . . . I... .,
Two . . .  I... .,
One . . .I. . . .

You're out the door. . . .
I didn't even have the chance.
The chance that I had to say what my heart wants to say.
I miss you. . . .

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

The Spell of the Heartbeat

For Anybody Under This Spell

I lay on your chest,
Listening to your heart.
It beats feverishly,
Going thump-thump,
And I shut my eyes to the rhythm.

A gentle sleep,
The heart puts that spell on me.
In my dreams, you're there,
Swaying in endless dancing with me.
An organ's music plays sweetly.

When I'm home,
I hear it rise and fall.
I take that musical sound with me.
I hear it pulsing,
Your ghost is there, but I know you're real.

With you, I'm not alone,
With you, my breath is taken,
With you, I can believe,
With you, I feel my own heart pulsing,
With you, I can see the colors clearly.

I wake up,
Your hand in mine,
Your heart goes thump-thump in my ear.
My face twists into a smile,
As I look up at you.

Remanence of a Fire

Embers fly and fall to the earth.
Coals burn in ash.
A flicker of warmth,
And the last flames dance.

Reds and oranges burn in wood.
Yellow and blues mix together to breathe.

Bricks charred with black,
Where the fire licked it.
Wood cracked like black rock canyons,
Scarred by flames.

Greys like a wizened man,
Spread under a wooden prison.

Water stained soil and ash.
Smoke flies to the sky.
Fire smoldered.
Memory remains.

Sparks will fly again,
But on a different night they will dance once more.

Enclosed by Glass

I feel enclosed.
Enclosed in a glass case.
On display to those I know.

I see most pointing and laughing.
Laughing for the fool I am,
And for the fool I have been.

I see the rest horrified and bewildered.
Reaching out to help, but they can't get close.
Fragile faces cracking.

I pound the glass with fists of iron.
Harder, harder, but still no cracking.
I hit the bottom, crying.

I'm stuck and in the air.
Laughed at by those who don't care.
Helped by those that do.

I can't get out.
The sadness I see is mine,
On the people that love me.

I never knew the effect I can have.
All I see in this moment now,
Is myself, tear-stained in the mirror.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Old Becomes New: The Poems Will Continue

It's been a year since I started this poetry blog. The poetry will never stop, if I become inspired I will post a new poem. I'm glad you all enjoyed this blog and I look forward to writing more poetry. This is the best thing that I could do for myself creatively.

This has been a beautiful year. I've had my share of heartbreaks, crushes, love, friendships, realizations, change, hatred, and fun. I hope that there is more out there for me to see, to broaden my horizons. Hopefully, I will get that chance.

Struggle #5 (Senior Year)

From the 12th grade me

When you think things could get better,
They don't...
 I was continually dodging,
Always hiding from people.

I felt worse and worse about myself,
The pattern to survive had already sunken in.
I had to do what I had to do to live.
Waiting to hear more slurs and scandals.

I felt I still had no one to lean on,
I felt frightened into a corner.
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to get out of my head.
I wanted to find someone who cared about me.
I wanted to feel sane with the madness.
I wanted to tear into some people who talked about me like I wasn't there.

The days I regularly ran,
And pretending the pavement was the faces of those who hurt me.
Running because I couldn't let them catch me.
Running because I didn't want to be this person,
I needed to not survive for one moment.

Survival was all I had...
It kept good people out.
And let me keep the bad people who said they'd be with me.

Survival daily.

Never Knowing

To the Creature inside of me: Go Away.


No one knows that within me is this creature.
This creature keeps me awake at night.
No way of stopping it.
No way of knowing what it actually is.

I feel it stirring.
Making a ruckus in my gut.
I don't know when he is leaving.
I would love for him to do so,
But he has already made his home.

I still have no relief in waking.
My body is in a constant battle with this thing.
My stomach is always growling,
But this monster is trying to make me forget again.
I don't want to go back to that again...

Still no relief in waking...
I don't like that I go through this day-to-day.
But I must, all because of an accident.
All because I thought I didn't have enough.

I've been trying to push him out.
He nearly has all the furniture out.
He'll get out of there if it is the last thing I do.

Missing Him

For Z.J.H.

I've known you for years.
I've liked you from the start.
You're charming, reliable, and handsome.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I still imagine your arms around my waist.
A tender kiss that falls on my shoulder.
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear.
A gentle touch.

Looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
I've had pleasant dreams about them.
It's like looking at wet sand where impressions are easy to make.

I miss that smile and laugh.
A smile that melts me.
A laugh that comforts me.

Your inner beauty is precious.
Like it is a hidden treasure of gold and diamonds.
Everybody sees it.
Everybody knows it.

Why seeing you stirs up these feelings in me, I don't know...
You're my friend and a friend for life.
When I'm around you, you make me feel special.

Alas, nothing can happen between us.
How I wish for you to like me...
You don't like men like I do.
I think that's why missing you hurts most of all...

Memories

Often repressed,
Often revised,
Often remembered,
Often snide.

Memories are lost,
Memories are static.
Memories aren't perfect.
Yet they manifest in our dreams.

They help us remember how to do things,
Like eat, drink, and drive.
They help us remember those we hold dear to us,
Like dinners, movies, books, and people.

Ever staying some of them.
Like with people who suffer from post-traumatic stress.
Never forget and never let go.
Memories are scared no matter where you go.

The Meadow

As time flows by without a prayer,
Everyone around me doesn't seem to care.
All that I care about is seeing you there.

In a meadow just you and me,
There is no sadness, only glee.
If only time would seize to be.

There are no dark clouds, only an endless blue sky,
A beautiful moment that makes us want to cry.
We both kiss each other without care.

Underneath this endless sky and in the meadow,
I'd like the whole world to know.
That we are forever together and nothing more.

Light in the Same Lens

I see not through differences,
But in sameness.
We're all humans,
So what's the issue?

Do we not bleed red?
When we scrape our knee,
Get a paper cut, or shot?

Do we not breathe the same air?
The life that we are given by the sweet
Oxygen-filled air that fills our lungs.

Do our hearts not beat the same way?
With every pump of the heart we are given life.
With every pump we give love.

Sameness in this sense makes us human...
What makes us different is our choices in our environment.
Being human is making mistakes to learn from them.

What purpose is there to hurt each other with actions and words?
We all hurt the same way.
We all feel the need to belong.
All we want is to be loved all the same.

We Haven't Talked in Awhile

For Z.J.H.


The very person that made my heart soar higher,
The very person who knows my soul,
The very person who can look me in the eye and
tell me how he really feels.
We haven't talked in a while.

It feels like forever,
Even if it's been a couple months.
I often look to the stars to think that
you, too, are looking at them with me.

I loved you when I was with someone else.
I couldn't help it...
You have my heart beating inside of yours.
In truth, I must venture a guess that I never loved him.

I would see your picture every night I talked to him.
I had abandoned you,
I had hurt you in some way.
I needed your forgiveness.
I needed to see your face.
I needed to see your dazzling smile...

I still hold onto memories of us that night.
Our first of many kisses strung together in the rain.
You're the light that keeps me going from day-to-day.
It turned off, and I lost my way.
Lost in the forest of confusion.
A confusion that was caused by the move of my folks.

Nothing stops me from weaving these words together.
I will spill my heart out, and the world will know.
I need to see that you are loved.
I need to see the light in your brown eyes.
I need to feel your red hair through my fingers.

I want your heart to soar with mine.
I want your love to surround me like your embrace.
I want you to notice that I need you to love me back.