Unbreak My Heart

I wanted it all for you.
I wanted to be everything to you.
I'm guessing that you'll be fine;
Leaving me against the sidelines to cheer you on.

It's a long road, a long way, for me;
Especially from who you were looking for.
Though when you describe your dream man . . .
He sounds like me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so passive.
Maybe I should've been more understanding of your actions.
My unanswered questions were answered,
But it doesn't stop me from the "what-ifs" that run through my mind.

Maybe I needed to stay with you.
Instead, I distanced myself from you, afraid.
Even has I miss your warm embraces and you, the person.
I can only partially blame myself for the broken heart I have.

Whoever gets to be with you,
Will be lucky.
Whoever this is,
I hope for nothing but the best.
Whoever he is,
I hope he gives you the love I know you deserve.

You can't unbreak my heart;
That's my job, I know now.
No matter who I see you with,
I'll know you're happier with him than you would've been with me.

Seeing Red and Feeling Heat

My fuse, once long, slowly burns away.
Closer to making me explode.
The volcano bubbling and boiling inside me,
Is ready to erupt.

So much packed into me,
So little time to alleviate it.

I want to scream until I'm hoarse.
I want to punch out a wall.
I want to throw a rock so hard that it will shatter,
Falling apart as it slams into the ground.
I want to break glass,
And hope that the pieces shatter into bits.

Revenge isn't the answer to my full-grown anger.
Nor is isolation in my Tower.
The situations I am in call for action.
Actions of kindness and acceptance.

The things I'm angry about shouldn't matter anymore.
Situations in the past must stay there.

Hopefully, once my anger cools there will be a time of peace.
Until then, a long list should be taken care of for now.

Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Fear of Fears

I don't fear the fear itself.
I fear the offshoot of the fear.

I fear heights,
But it's the fall when I slip.
Farther . . . farther . . . in the plunge.

I fear rejection,
But it's the feeling like I'm unloved.
Though I know it isn't true, but it's what I feel.

I fear losing people,
But it's because then I'll be alone.
I need people and friends to survive.

I fear failure,
But it's letting myself down and others.
The recovery nearly impossible.

Fears go deep and they will be there.
Yet hope finds a way to them.

Smile of Glass

Inspired by "Just a Game" by Birdy and "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

It's all just a game.
Waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I'm just a piece in their lives.

I break my heart over and over,
Yet I paint a smile for them,
Politely wave again.
I am no hero,
But I'm treated as such.

A dualistic bout:
Between the faces in the crowd
And the faces of the few I love.
Facades the latter see hurt them like they do me.

In deepest depths of my bedroom,
The glass smile breaks.
My tears fall into my pillow.
I'm cold with loneliness.
I hold back more and more to handle it all.

It's all just a game,
Another day of waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I am not going to be a piece in their lives anymore.

I prefer the few I love,
Over the many that seem to fall only for the mask.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

Cold Blood and Skin

My blood ran cold,
It is frozen like ice,
Painful like tiny knives through my veins.
I shiver badly, and I'm so cold.

The grip of the cold squeezes all my insides,
None more than my heart.
My skin bursts into bumps,
The vessels in my eye hurt.

Acid-like tears stain my face.
They are caustic and warm enough to melt concrete.
They burn my icy-blue eyes.
I can't stop...

Pain makes me strong,
But it takes time for that.
Time that slows down like molasses down a snowy hill.
Cutting into me harshly like the blood in my body.

The soft pillow on my head,
Gives me comfort as I curl up.
I sleep, in shock, but cold.
Knowing that soon I'll be stronger for it.

Sinking Heart in Glass

My heart sinks,
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.

It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.

My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.

Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.

I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.

I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.

Tired Soul and Strong Will

I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.

Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.

Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.

I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.

I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.

Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.

I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.

Far Away

For C.W.

Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.

I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.

Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.

I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.

Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.

Fallen

For those that don't have the strength to continue

I have fallen,
No one to catch me.

My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.

My heart is broken,
Now I cry.

I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.

You smile,
I frown.

Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.

I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...

I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.

 Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.

I Made It Home

My heart on fire.
My lungs burn.
I've been running.
Running and running.
Thoughts race.

I made it home.
It isn't the home, I know.
It isn't your heart.
It isn't safe.
It isn't anything.

I don't have much for myself.
I can't have much for myself.
I won't have much for myself.
Selflessness is what prevents that for me.

I don't see you because you are gone.
A speck in the distance climbing over a mountain.
I don't know you anymore.
I don't know where you lay your head at night.
I don't see your boundaries.
I don't hear you amongst the noise.

I made it home.
But it isn't what I think I deserve.
You're somewhere else.
I will find your heart and take shelter in it again.

I'll keep running.
I'll keep trying.
I'll keep you safe.
Just don't let me collapse inward.
Help me untie my knotted ropes.
Help me climb the mountains.
Climbing toward where the Sun and Moon are seen together.
Toward a new beginning one day in time.

Wallflower

For my fellow Wallflowers

I feel invisible.
No one sees me.
No one sees ME...
I feel my words fall on deaf ears.
I feel I am not heard.
I feel I cannot speak.

I feel invisible.
I cannot choose a path.
My choices are both crowded.
I cannot see what is ahead.
I cannot see the predictable.
I feel unseen and got shoved aside.

I feel invisible.
My words shoved back into my mouth.
No one wants to heard the words I can speak.
Pushed into silence.
Reinforced to not speak my truth and trust.
Reinforced to feel trapped in my head with words.

I feel invisible.
No one sees ME....
Not even you and I feel no care.
No care where no cure is sought.
No words to heal my broken heart.
Hours pass with no help.

I feel invisible.
I notice everyone, but no one knows this.
Wallflower I am.
Wallflower I'll be.
I can see with artist eyes.
No guiding stars to speak of.

I feel invisible.
Until you see me.
Until...
You see ME!
For once I'm noticed, but still I do not know.
I cannot speak because my voice you won't hear...

Hear

 For Unrequited Love

I hear a sweet melody.
I feel the steady beat that I mistake for my own heart.
I hear the words,
But I realize it was you.
Singing in that low tone you have,
It isn't quite baritone, but still, I'm on cloud nine.

I listen to that beautiful voice of yours.
I can't understand why you don't use it more often.
I love the music you make.
You don't think I'm listening, hearing it.
I never thought I'd hear a song from you.

The song I hear you sing reminds me of a lush field.
Notes sung lay like grass and blow like a breeze.
I think of us in a plain, looking to the sky,
Watching the clouds change shape.
The harmony like the brook that flows as it hums.

I don't want it to end, but it does.
It ends, and my fantasy of the meadow... fades...
My day turned to night and rages into a storm.
I'm alone...
Alone in the meadow as rain falls,
Like my tears down my face.

I stay strong.
And hold back my tears as lightning strikes the ground.
A fiery ring surrounds me as I stand.
I watch and hear the dancing flames.
The crackle warms my now cold heart as it rings in my ears.
I may not have you, but I have an everlasting fire.
A fire in my heart that burns with strength...
Determination...
Perseverance...
It burns, and I feel it.
I hear it beating.
I hear it speaking to me.
I hear it screaming!
Telling me, I am still alive.

The fire can't destroy me.
The ring that burns into my retinas.
The image searing into my brain.
I'm immune to this danger.
I walk through...
I walk through it with no pain.
Just warmth surrounding me.

My thoughts leave me as I find myself lying asleep next to you.
Your warmth is what I felt.
It's what burned like fire.
Your arm around me tight,
Afraid I'll fly away... or fall apart.
I am whole, and I am calm.

I hear your sweet song in my head.
Against the snoring melody you make.
And I fall to sleep as it all starts again...

Pain in Love

I feel...
I feel that pain...
In my heart, I'm left alone.
Afraid of breaking...
Afraid of climbing that canyon wall.

I'm within myself.
Love hurts inside me,
Like I have been running forever.
Never stopping because I can't...
I need to keep going!
Yet I'm running out of breath.

No comfort...
Falling down an abyss,
No one catches me...
Aiming for you, but missing terribly.

I feel this pain in love.
Loving so hard, I hurt myself.
No one catches me as I fall backward and inward.
No one... not even you...

I See You Walking

For Z.J.H.

I see you walking...
Walking alone down the moonlighted path.
Alone you walk,
Aimless, yet not.

I see your shadow walking...
Walking behind you steadily.
Step by step, he follows.
Stuck, like you feel.

I see you look upward...
Looking at the moon.
You look at peace.
You look, as I stare up with you.

I try to think of what you think of.
I'm bleeding empathy!
Trying to figure it out.
I don't know what to say.
I want to yell out for you...
But all that comes out is silence...

Your image fades, no silhouette left.
I stand alone on the moonlit path.
I wish for you to stand there along with me...
Though that will never be.
We don't talk, yet I still love you.

I saw you walking...
And tears fall down my face...
I still search for you,
Where there is no path to follow.

Just Enough

Just enough,
And on edge.

On the inside,
I cannot breathe.

On the outside,
I am putting on a show.

On the inside,
I am crying.

On the outside,
I am smiling.

On the inside,
I try to be happy.

On the outside,
I try not to be sad.

Just enough,
I'm on edge.
One more push,
I'll feel myself fall.

I can handle it,
Most of it on my own.
But deep inside,
I need you because I feel you're mine.

No right or wrong,
Just pain.
No black or white,
Just in need.

Just enough...
And on edge.

Strong Too Long

You don't know my pain.
You don't look at me like you used to.
Like I'm some terrible monster.
I'm nothing to fear.

I've been strong for too long,
I just want to curl up and scream.
Scream in an abyss in anger and sadness.
Until my voice is hoarse, and I can't no longer.

I want to hear you call for me.
Reach out to me.
Be there to hold me.
And just let me bawl my pretty blue eyes out.

I don't want you to sympathize,
I want you to empathize.
My heart is torn, and I don't feel grounded.
I'm alone, and it tortures me because you feel like home.

I'm coming to the point where my inner strength is weakening.
I'm juggling so much in my head.
I'm stuck in my head, and you draw me out.
I'm about to cry because you grew cold.

You tell me to not over-think everything,
But you don't understand that I can't stop doing so.
You leave me with so little to understand.
Your silence speaks too much.

Just let me scream and cry alone.
I'll make it through alone.
I won't be devastated, just heartbroken.
Heartbroken utterly because I care.

Out of my Mind

For Z.J.H., you will always be my friend.


I think of you often.
Too often, I think.
The kiss that connected us on the dock.
Through the storm, you held my hand.
You treated me kindly.

We had a deep connection,
More in-depth than the ocean's abyss.
Our parents never wanted us to be happy.
We found that comfort together.
I thought you were going to be forever.

I regret not seeing you.
I regret not speaking to you.
I still smell you when you're not around.
I feel that warm embrace.
You showed me love, I cannot repay.
You challenged me.

When I asked you that question...
'Will things be different this time?'
And no reply came...
I felt struck down.
I loved you.
My heart was yours.
I would've done anything to see you happy.

But the best thing you did for me...
Was leave words unspoken...
Unspoken, but heard.
Heard, but never forgotten.
I never will forget you.
I hope to see you again,
Healthy and parent-free.

We are connected by a kiss on the dock.
Through a storm in June.
Never will I forget that.

Struggle #5 (Senior Year)

From the 12th grade me

When you think things could get better,
They don't...
 I was continually dodging,
Always hiding from people.

I felt worse and worse about myself,
The pattern to survive had already sunken in.
I had to do what I had to do to live.
Waiting to hear more slurs and scandals.

I felt I still had no one to lean on,
I felt frightened into a corner.
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to get out of my head.
I wanted to find someone who cared about me.
I wanted to feel sane with the madness.
I wanted to tear into some people who talked about me like I wasn't there.

The days I regularly ran,
And pretending the pavement was the faces of those who hurt me.
Running because I couldn't let them catch me.
Running because I didn't want to be this person,
I needed to not survive for one moment.

Survival was all I had...
It kept good people out.
And let me keep the bad people who said they'd be with me.

Survival daily.