Barrier Breaker: Letting Go of the Hurt

For those in my past that chose to hurt me in the end. I am letting you go and you will stay in my past.

I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.

I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.

I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.

I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.

I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.

I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.

I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.

I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.

Love Like the Rain

For my memories of blissful love

Fallen rain,

Like piercing arrows shot from a recurve.

Freezing its targets,

Skin stings like a wasp.

A musky smell,

The ground secretes in its defense.

It fills the air like a noxious gas.

It smells sweet like honey as it enters my nose.

Sheets fall and roughly splashing into puddles.

Puddles that look dark in the night like ebony eyes shining.

It dances aimlessly across the plain and cracked earth.

I watch it lick like flames in a pit.

Cool gales blow,

Churning the puddles like waves of the sea.

I want to be on a small sailboat rocking back and forth,

Challenging Poseidon’s power in the wake.

Rain like this is like love:

Rough.

I couldn’t imagine life as rain.

Splashing to the ground and evaporating, cycling.

Love in humans: changes.

Changes from day- to-day,

Never-ending, but fading quickly.

But loving like the rain, in cycles, is real.

I Made It Home

My heart on fire.
My lungs burn.
I've been running.
Running and running.
Thoughts race.

I made it home.
It isn't the home, I know.
It isn't your heart.
It isn't safe.
It isn't anything.

I don't have much for myself.
I can't have much for myself.
I won't have much for myself.
Selflessness is what prevents that for me.

I don't see you because you are gone.
A speck in the distance climbing over a mountain.
I don't know you anymore.
I don't know where you lay your head at night.
I don't see your boundaries.
I don't hear you amongst the noise.

I made it home.
But it isn't what I think I deserve.
You're somewhere else.
I will find your heart and take shelter in it again.

I'll keep running.
I'll keep trying.
I'll keep you safe.
Just don't let me collapse inward.
Help me untie my knotted ropes.
Help me climb the mountains.
Climbing toward where the Sun and Moon are seen together.
Toward a new beginning one day in time.

Pain in Love

I feel...
I feel that pain...
In my heart, I'm left alone.
Afraid of breaking...
Afraid of climbing that canyon wall.

I'm within myself.
Love hurts inside me,
Like I have been running forever.
Never stopping because I can't...
I need to keep going!
Yet I'm running out of breath.

No comfort...
Falling down an abyss,
No one catches me...
Aiming for you, but missing terribly.

I feel this pain in love.
Loving so hard, I hurt myself.
No one catches me as I fall backward and inward.
No one... not even you...

I See You Walking

For Z.J.H.

I see you walking...
Walking alone down the moonlighted path.
Alone you walk,
Aimless, yet not.

I see your shadow walking...
Walking behind you steadily.
Step by step, he follows.
Stuck, like you feel.

I see you look upward...
Looking at the moon.
You look at peace.
You look, as I stare up with you.

I try to think of what you think of.
I'm bleeding empathy!
Trying to figure it out.
I don't know what to say.
I want to yell out for you...
But all that comes out is silence...

Your image fades, no silhouette left.
I stand alone on the moonlit path.
I wish for you to stand there along with me...
Though that will never be.
We don't talk, yet I still love you.

I saw you walking...
And tears fall down my face...
I still search for you,
Where there is no path to follow.

How I Know You

To the men that lift my life up

This is how I know you,
In my heart that you make warm,
In my arms, you'll lie safe.
A place to rest your head,
While I sing you sweetly to sleep.
Nothing can beat this feeling I have.

You fill me with joy,
And I can be sure that I belong to you.
I cry when the days are hard,
And you somehow make it better.

I want that embrace and a sweet kiss on the lips.
You influence me to be a better man.
I like how you make me feel,
It makes me feel wanted and loved.

This is how I know you,
Comfort on both my good and bad days,
A person I can trust with my heart as it is fragile,
And giving me confidence in myself as a man.

My Shelter

Spontaneity, charm, and a smile that melts
my heart.
There's this thing about him.
Something that I see in those hazel eyes.
A beautiful soul that shines like the Sun.

How his arms held tight to me in bed.
The way he reminds me that I am beautiful
He's got this thing about him that
helps me the man I want to be for him.
Bringing out the best in me like uncovering
treasure in the farthest depths of the sea.

When he lays on my chest, I feel like
he is one with me.
He hears my heartbeat and knows its
his.
I'm always at peace with him.

Everything about him makes me
view the world through a different lens.
Everything about him makes me want to be
with him.
He makes me fall harder

                                      and harder

                                                        in love.

If I Were Not Afraid...

For Z.J.H.


If I were not afraid, I would tell you how much you mean to me.
Being so far apart from you is incredibly difficult, and not seeing you breaks my heart.

My heart speaks out to you, "Please come back to me! Please just come back!"
You're the person I can talk to about anything,
and you listen no matter what comes out of my mouth.
To hear your voice on a rainy and dreary day makes me smile,
and just a simple "hi" is enough for me to know you are doing just fine.

Every day I feel thoughts come into my head about you,
mostly worry, but never sad.

I will one day feel your warm embrace, kiss you on your lips,
and whisper in your ear how much you mean to me and that I truly love you.
I want to feel your fingers run through my hair,
and let you whisper in my ear and tell me the same.

I am not afraid to love you, and that is all I'd tell you.
Will you say the same to me?