Unbreak My Heart

I wanted it all for you.
I wanted to be everything to you.
I'm guessing that you'll be fine;
Leaving me against the sidelines to cheer you on.

It's a long road, a long way, for me;
Especially from who you were looking for.
Though when you describe your dream man . . .
He sounds like me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so passive.
Maybe I should've been more understanding of your actions.
My unanswered questions were answered,
But it doesn't stop me from the "what-ifs" that run through my mind.

Maybe I needed to stay with you.
Instead, I distanced myself from you, afraid.
Even has I miss your warm embraces and you, the person.
I can only partially blame myself for the broken heart I have.

Whoever gets to be with you,
Will be lucky.
Whoever this is,
I hope for nothing but the best.
Whoever he is,
I hope he gives you the love I know you deserve.

You can't unbreak my heart;
That's my job, I know now.
No matter who I see you with,
I'll know you're happier with him than you would've been with me.

Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Reminder

I never seem to win.
I can't be logical,
Nor practical in reasoning.
Not when it comes to love.

So much weighs on my heart,
And in my brain that I feel smothered.
So much pain that I feel like I can't breathe.
So much love and no one to put it toward.

The very core of who I am is based on love.
Romantic and brotherly, the same.
All my thoughts irrational, fabrications.
A battle I feel I can't win.

I fall so quickly,
That it feels like it takes a lifetime to stand up again.
Each time worse than the last.
Each time fearing that there is no love left in the world.

I feel like an island,
Alone in the ocean.
Feelings string together into a depression.
A depression that this is the way it should be.

Though in rational thoughts, this is not true.
That I am loved.
That I am not that island and someone cares.
That I can love as deeply as I want.

I just have to wait before I lay it all on the line.
Learn from my hurting heart that I can't have the one I love.
Learn that it is okay to feel alone.
That love doesn't have to lead into that hole of depression.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Let Go

It's time to let go.
Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill, and the emotions will gather.
Those chemicals bubble inside your head,
Release them as whatever they are.

Let happiness spread the warmth;
Let sadness cool it;
Let anger boil over;
Let envy show its ugly green head;
Let silliness make your brain numb with your laughter;
Let confusion make you dizzy.

Most of all, let the feeling of love burn.
Let it burn bright like fire,
Like a guiding light.
Don't let it burn you out with irrational flight.

Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill.
Let go and release what you will down.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

Bitter Ending

For Z.J.H.

Dilemma after dilemma.
Time upon time.
Miss after miss.
Water upon the earth.

Thinking about it all hurts me.
The things we did,
The things we said,
The things we left unmentioned.

I saw the best of you.
I saw the worst.
The light in your eyes shut off.
I lost you.

No amount of love could revive you.
You were dead inside.
Broken by a broken home.
A monster that was created by those who gave you life.

A bitter end for us.
Though I think of you every so often,
I cannot love what you have become:
You are a shadow of your former self.

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Winter Extinguishes, Spring Revives

For Someone I Liked

The snow gently falls,
The ice sparkles a glistens in patches.
As I see it all, taking in the scene,
I am reminded why I guard my heart over this season.
Winter freezes and extinguishes my fire.
Waiting for Spring to fill me, again, with hope.

That is . . .
Until I see your face.
I become less harsh, I am myself.
I warm up and, really, genuinely smile.
When I do, I see your smile.
And it makes me melt.

In your embrace,
I feel whole,
Whole and safe.

When you leave,
I feel empty,
Empty and alone.

Remanence of a Fire

Embers fly and fall to the earth.
Coals burn in ash.
A flicker of warmth,
And the last flames dance.

Reds and oranges burn in wood.
Yellow and blues mix together to breathe.

Bricks charred with black,
Where the fire licked it.
Wood cracked like black rock canyons,
Scarred by flames.

Greys like a wizened man,
Spread under a wooden prison.

Water stained soil and ash.
Smoke flies to the sky.
Fire smoldered.
Memory remains.

Sparks will fly again,
But on a different night they will dance once more.

A Boy With Grandfather's Hands

For my only brother, E.R.M.

Eighteen months,
The time between our births.
You were made to be unique,
Given every bit of love and care.

Fate would have it that you would be gifted.
Gifted with carpentry and mechanical works.
The art you've created.
The things you've fixed.
You are special.

You reminded our mother of grandfather.
Tall and good with your hands.
You hold so much for her.
Autistic you may be, it doesn't matter to us.

Our bond is excellent, so close together.
I want to hug you and not let go.
Philia, brotherly love.
My brother until death.
I vowed to care for you as a guardian.

You may not fully express love,
But somehow, I know you do.
Soon you'll remind me of mom and dad.
Until then, you have my love as your only brother.

Tired Soul and Strong Will

I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.

Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.

Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.

I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.

I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.

Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.

I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.

Hidden Mountains

Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.

I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.

I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.

Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.

They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.

They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.

For What It's Worth I Am Home

I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.

Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.

Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.

Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
 I am home.

Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.

I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.

Far Away

For C.W.

Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.

I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.

Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.

I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.

Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.

End

For K.J.S.

I suffered plenty,
A fish on your hook.
You let me go to finality,
No selfishness in the act.

It ended, finally.
My heart is broken,
But I am free.
Free from that prison of contempt.

No words could describe this.
We are both genuinely free.
Free to roam,
Free to love another.

I taught you to love,
You taught me life.
We fit together,
Except we are mismatched pieces.

Nevermore will I seek you.
Nevermore will the wheels turn.
Nevermore, the words will weave.
Nevermore will we hurt in the heart.

Years will pass,
And we'll laugh at our stupidity.
For all it is worth,
Take these last words and keep them close:

I love you.
And I hope you will find your light.

Disconnected and Disjointed

Gold,
As warm as the sand beneath my feet.
As I stand a strong man before you.
Still have my trust,
So you have my hand in yours.

Hold it.
Lace it.
You see my pain.
The pain you caused in absence.

You help me believe I was something,
But that was a truth disguised lie.
You comfort me with truth,
You made me disconnect with myself.
I am something to you.

Hold it.
Lace it.
Cherish it like a precious diamond.
Turn it to treasure.

I love and care deeply,
My wounds are mended.
I am truly warm with a beating heart.
You have sewn me together, mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to treasure,
With one final touch.
Never to stone,
With one final kiss...

Stone,
As cold as frozen tears in winter.
As I stand a husk before you.
You lost my trust.
So in place you get my stone heart.

Crush it.
Beat it.
You know no pain.
Not the pain I feel.

You told me I was something to you,
But that was a lie disguised truth.
You comfort me with lies,
You made me disconnect from myself.
I am nothing to you.

Crush it.
Beat it.
Slam it against the wall.
Turn it dust.

I hurt and ache deeply.
My wounds cut right open.
I'm truly cold with no heart.
You cut me open, no mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to dust,
With one final kiss.
Never to gold,
With one final touch...

Fallen

For those that don't have the strength to continue

I have fallen,
No one to catch me.

My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.

My heart is broken,
Now I cry.

I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.

You smile,
I frown.

Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.

I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...

I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.

 Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.

Ocean: You and Me

For the people I love in my life

I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.

I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.

I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.

I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.

I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.

I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.