Hidden

There is beauty in the way he walks.
There is a lot to him that most don't think about.
The sensitivity of his words.
The heart on his sleeve.

There is a hidden intelligence;
No one seems to care because they tear him down regardless.
Which leaves and creates something deeper down inside.

The moment he steps through the apartment door, he falls.
Falls from graceful walking to a crumpled mess on the floor.
No one to save him or pick him up.

Depression claws its way up to tearful eyes.
Anxiety prickles underneath fair skin.
All is done, and thoughts end in the meltdown.

Stoic and strand after,
Steeled nerves and better for the fit.
He walks again in grace and beauty.
He walks again, renewed, confident.

Though with courage,
He still fears the depression and anxiety waiting.
Waiting to greet him by the next night's end.

Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

S.A.D. (Winter's Worst)

The first snowfall,
It should be a happy moment,
For me it signals misery:
A five month spell of sadness.

I should be outside,
Building a snowman,
A snow angel,
If I'm lucky an ice sculpture.

Instead, I hide inside,
In my den like a fox,
Crying into a tear-stained pillow,
Overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

Uncontrollable with the lack of sunlight.
Solutions with no resolutions.
It's depression to the point where running and writing cannot touch it.
It slowly kills me; a dark pit hollowed in.

The cure for myself?
It is the feeling of waking up to Spring.
A warmth that grows and melts the Winter's worst.
A smile of pure joy spreads through me like hope.

Robin sweetly chirping a song of return,
Trees coming out of a slumber,
The sun's warmth,
The bright yellow of dandelions poking out of the ground.

A fire rekindled.
A light renewed.
A positivity to rejoice in for many months.
A song that now be sung.

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

The Smile

For J.J.

It sparkles like pearls.
It is only for me to notice.
A smile that melts the ice;
The ice protecting my heart.

Only at me, it shows.
Only at me, I see.
Coming and going, I see it shows.

The warmth emanating from you alone,
Tingles.
The smile you show up with,
Intensifies the warmth.

I feel lucky.
Lucky that you are there.
Lucky that you pass by.
Lucky to be graced by that charming smile.

Dandelion (2)

For someone I can't put their initials up

I have found a dandelion,
I the coolness of the heat.
I want to give it to you,
Because you are what I hoped to find.

The glimmer of hope I held onto,
For so long, so long.
I found you among the weeds,
That lovely spot of yellow.

You are special,
You're amazing to me.
Sensitive like the petals,
Resilient like the stem,
Lovely like the color.

I've never had this much comfort,
Just in knowing you're there.
Knowing I have beauty holding my hand,
Knowing I have something as real as a flower.
The very flower that gives me hope.

I have found a dandelion,
I picked it just for you,
Because you are what I had hoped to find...
And more.

What I Saw and What I See

For my father, J.W.M.

I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.

I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.

I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.

I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.

I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.

Tired Soul and Strong Will

I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.

Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.

Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.

I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.

I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.

Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.

I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.

Barrier Breaker: Letting Go of the Hurt

For those in my past that chose to hurt me in the end. I am letting you go and you will stay in my past.

I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.

I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.

I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.

I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.

I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.

I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.

I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.

I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Finding Peace

Peace...
Hope...
That's what I find in the wilderness.
My sanctuary in the trees.

The calmness of the running stream.
The stillness in the grove.
I find my solace here.

The trees stand still with time.
Ever growing in the rain and sunshine.
My friends that I can climb.
Deep into the canopy is where I'd like to be.

Sitting on the thickest branch I can reach.
I wonder and fall asleep to the whisper of the stream.
The chirping of the magpies and other birds is the last thing I hear.

Here I feel safe.
Here I can be me.
Here I don't have to answer to anyone.
Here I am free...

I have always loved the Earth.
Growing and fertile.
It reminds me there is something about this world that I love.

Peace and hope...
That's my reason for living.
Safe and free...
That is what is meant for me to be.

Going Home

Never feeling so alive.
Hometown still the same.
Family doing fine.

My heart feels it never left.
Yet it doesn't belong there anymore.
No one in dire need to want me back
in that town.

The house I grew up in is not my home.
Even though my last name is still on the mailbox.
I die more on the inside
Near tears, which could've flooded the Nile.

Nothing would have stopped me after that trip to stay.
I know I couldn't...
I have people who depend on me in my new home.
Friends...
Roommates...
Someone who cares about me...

Truth is...
I couldn't go back to my hometown again,
because my heart just isn't there anymore.

Idaho: My Oasis

There's nothing like sitting in a tree
an a cold spring day.
Nothing like the cold mountain air on your skin.
The stream calmly rolling by.
Not a care in the world.

Aside from the blatant bigotry,
Idaho is a beautiful place.
Pine trees everywhere,
and they are like a soft blanket of green.
Moss softly covering them from trunk to canopy.

Birds chirping a sweet song of spring.
Living a purely happy life.

I wish I could just run away into the dense woods.
Nothing, but the birds, the trees, the cold,
and surviving on my own.
Away from life...
Away from the civilization...
Away from everything...

I need to climb a tree and sleep.
Sleep on the cushions of moss.
Listening to a calming stream and a
sweet song of the jays.

Moment's Reprieve

Just a moment to myself where I can
think about the day.
Just one moment...
Just a chance to take down my walls
in the fortress of my mind.

It is a serene way of letting go of those
who trespassed on you.
It is a way to make you feel whole again.
To be yourself without consequences.
No battles or wars to fight.
Nothing in the world can attack you.

You have no fears at this moment,
No worries, no hatred, no pain.
There isn't a thing you can't do in that
moment.

Once you snap out of this moment,
up goes the castle walls and your poker face.
Strength is all you have to keep the tears in
your eyes.
You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are
always going to be you.

You have the power to write your own
book of life.
You have the power to do anything your
heart desires.

A moment's reprieve is all you need...

Sleigh of Roses

For a Loving Couple, J.W.M. & W.J.M.


Beauty is in the romance of love in your partner's eyes
               when they see you.
The warm fuzzy feeling you get when they
               kiss your lips.
Holding on to you tightly
              in an everlasting embrace.
Nothing surpasses the love in giving your loved one
              a sentimental gift.

A beautiful sleigh with roses of purest red and
beautiful flowers and ribbons, too.
The sleigh made of porcelain so delicate that one slight touch
can                break                   it.
Roses so red that they look as if someone bled on them
with sheer devotion in their love.
Pine and fir to give it the perfect touch
of such art.

A love so real and so might that no gloom
              can touch it.
A love so old, that it is
              renewed once again.
A love so new, that it shin on brilliantly
              like a star in the sky.

The sleigh of roses awaits for you all...
To take you on a romantic ride through the night.