Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

A River Runs

A river runs,
Never freezes, never stops.
Bangs against rocks.
Rushes, whispering down, down, down.
Until it aligns with something bigger than itself.

Much like the brain,
They never stop, thoughts run along axons.
Nerves run through and along organs.
Speeds that break necks, around, around, around.
Neurons connecting in endless lines joining into somethings bigger than themselves.

A river is free, uncaring;
Ripping apart all it sees.
Yet we see it as peace when calm,
Hatred builds when it floods;
Something completely out of our control.

A brain is as logical as we make it.
Always learning, never stops learning.
At every turn, either peace of hatred,
It just goes.
Mad at thinking we have less control than a river.
When indeed we have more.

A river runs,
Much like a brain.
Never stops.
Whispering.
Aligning to something bigger than itself.

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

The Smile

For J.J.

It sparkles like pearls.
It is only for me to notice.
A smile that melts the ice;
The ice protecting my heart.

Only at me, it shows.
Only at me, I see.
Coming and going, I see it shows.

The warmth emanating from you alone,
Tingles.
The smile you show up with,
Intensifies the warmth.

I feel lucky.
Lucky that you are there.
Lucky that you pass by.
Lucky to be graced by that charming smile.

Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.

Sonnet J

For J

I cannot find the words to express you.
And yet I can always find them nearby.
It has taken a month; you have no clue,
That I set my feelings aside to fly.

I had to break the silence; I must try.
In you very hand, my proverbial heart.
The very secret I hide, covered a lie.
It is for you that my pen makes this art.

That you, of all men, give me a jump-start.
Your warm embrace, I do feel more alive.
I fear the day that comes when you depart.
You kiss is what I want to feel in drive.

My eye for you is of smarts and beauty,
It is you I attract, then be flirty.

Smile of Glass

Inspired by "Just a Game" by Birdy and "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

It's all just a game.
Waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I'm just a piece in their lives.

I break my heart over and over,
Yet I paint a smile for them,
Politely wave again.
I am no hero,
But I'm treated as such.

A dualistic bout:
Between the faces in the crowd
And the faces of the few I love.
Facades the latter see hurt them like they do me.

In deepest depths of my bedroom,
The glass smile breaks.
My tears fall into my pillow.
I'm cold with loneliness.
I hold back more and more to handle it all.

It's all just a game,
Another day of waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I am not going to be a piece in their lives anymore.

I prefer the few I love,
Over the many that seem to fall only for the mask.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

Dandelion (2)

For someone I can't put their initials up

I have found a dandelion,
I the coolness of the heat.
I want to give it to you,
Because you are what I hoped to find.

The glimmer of hope I held onto,
For so long, so long.
I found you among the weeds,
That lovely spot of yellow.

You are special,
You're amazing to me.
Sensitive like the petals,
Resilient like the stem,
Lovely like the color.

I've never had this much comfort,
Just in knowing you're there.
Knowing I have beauty holding my hand,
Knowing I have something as real as a flower.
The very flower that gives me hope.

I have found a dandelion,
I picked it just for you,
Because you are what I had hoped to find...
And more.

Cold Blood and Skin

My blood ran cold,
It is frozen like ice,
Painful like tiny knives through my veins.
I shiver badly, and I'm so cold.

The grip of the cold squeezes all my insides,
None more than my heart.
My skin bursts into bumps,
The vessels in my eye hurt.

Acid-like tears stain my face.
They are caustic and warm enough to melt concrete.
They burn my icy-blue eyes.
I can't stop...

Pain makes me strong,
But it takes time for that.
Time that slows down like molasses down a snowy hill.
Cutting into me harshly like the blood in my body.

The soft pillow on my head,
Gives me comfort as I curl up.
I sleep, in shock, but cold.
Knowing that soon I'll be stronger for it.

A Boy With Grandfather's Hands

For my only brother, E.R.M.

Eighteen months,
The time between our births.
You were made to be unique,
Given every bit of love and care.

Fate would have it that you would be gifted.
Gifted with carpentry and mechanical works.
The art you've created.
The things you've fixed.
You are special.

You reminded our mother of grandfather.
Tall and good with your hands.
You hold so much for her.
Autistic you may be, it doesn't matter to us.

Our bond is excellent, so close together.
I want to hug you and not let go.
Philia, brotherly love.
My brother until death.
I vowed to care for you as a guardian.

You may not fully express love,
But somehow, I know you do.
Soon you'll remind me of mom and dad.
Until then, you have my love as your only brother.

You Saw Me Soar in Resilience

For my mother, W.J.M.

You made me feel safe.
Inside your nest you built.
You built it up from nothing.
Just your love.

You saw me in flight.
You saw me sky-high from your nest.
I got shot down once or twice,
But you caught me mid-air.

The nights you held me still,
Through nightmares and tears.
You could make a coat with all those tears I shed.
You repel the water like eagle feathers.

But you still let me fly.
Soaring toward the sun.
You look on proudly.
Watching, to make sure I'm safe.

Your blue eyes meet mine.
In them, I see love.
In mine, you see the hurt.
You'd do anything to see me at peace.

I see where I get my strength,
In the love of others and loyalty.
And I smile to show I'm strong.
To that, I thank you.

Sinking Heart in Glass

My heart sinks,
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.

It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.

My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.

Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.

I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.

I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.

What I Saw and What I See

For my father, J.W.M.

I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.

I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.

I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.

I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.

I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.

Tired Soul and Strong Will

I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.

Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.

Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.

I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.

I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.

Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.

I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.

Hidden Mountains

Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.

I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.

I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.

Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.

They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.

They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.

For What It's Worth I Am Home

I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.

Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.

Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.

Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
 I am home.

Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.

I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.