Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Let Go

It's time to let go.
Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill, and the emotions will gather.
Those chemicals bubble inside your head,
Release them as whatever they are.

Let happiness spread the warmth;
Let sadness cool it;
Let anger boil over;
Let envy show its ugly green head;
Let silliness make your brain numb with your laughter;
Let confusion make you dizzy.

Most of all, let the feeling of love burn.
Let it burn bright like fire,
Like a guiding light.
Don't let it burn you out with irrational flight.

Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill.
Let go and release what you will down.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

S.A.D. (Winter's Worst)

The first snowfall,
It should be a happy moment,
For me it signals misery:
A five month spell of sadness.

I should be outside,
Building a snowman,
A snow angel,
If I'm lucky an ice sculpture.

Instead, I hide inside,
In my den like a fox,
Crying into a tear-stained pillow,
Overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

Uncontrollable with the lack of sunlight.
Solutions with no resolutions.
It's depression to the point where running and writing cannot touch it.
It slowly kills me; a dark pit hollowed in.

The cure for myself?
It is the feeling of waking up to Spring.
A warmth that grows and melts the Winter's worst.
A smile of pure joy spreads through me like hope.

Robin sweetly chirping a song of return,
Trees coming out of a slumber,
The sun's warmth,
The bright yellow of dandelions poking out of the ground.

A fire rekindled.
A light renewed.
A positivity to rejoice in for many months.
A song that now be sung.

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

Winter Extinguishes, Spring Revives

For Someone I Liked

The snow gently falls,
The ice sparkles a glistens in patches.
As I see it all, taking in the scene,
I am reminded why I guard my heart over this season.
Winter freezes and extinguishes my fire.
Waiting for Spring to fill me, again, with hope.

That is . . .
Until I see your face.
I become less harsh, I am myself.
I warm up and, really, genuinely smile.
When I do, I see your smile.
And it makes me melt.

In your embrace,
I feel whole,
Whole and safe.

When you leave,
I feel empty,
Empty and alone.

Sonnet J

For J

I cannot find the words to express you.
And yet I can always find them nearby.
It has taken a month; you have no clue,
That I set my feelings aside to fly.

I had to break the silence; I must try.
In you very hand, my proverbial heart.
The very secret I hide, covered a lie.
It is for you that my pen makes this art.

That you, of all men, give me a jump-start.
Your warm embrace, I do feel more alive.
I fear the day that comes when you depart.
You kiss is what I want to feel in drive.

My eye for you is of smarts and beauty,
It is you I attract, then be flirty.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

Remanence of a Fire

Embers fly and fall to the earth.
Coals burn in ash.
A flicker of warmth,
And the last flames dance.

Reds and oranges burn in wood.
Yellow and blues mix together to breathe.

Bricks charred with black,
Where the fire licked it.
Wood cracked like black rock canyons,
Scarred by flames.

Greys like a wizened man,
Spread under a wooden prison.

Water stained soil and ash.
Smoke flies to the sky.
Fire smoldered.
Memory remains.

Sparks will fly again,
But on a different night they will dance once more.

Snow Kisses and Embraces

I watch the snowfall.
Graceful and beautiful.
Glistening like diamonds in the light.
Melting like your kisses on a dark, cold night.

I watch the flakes dance.
Dancing in the wind.
Dancing right into my hair.
They must have found a haven with me,
Like I with you.

 I watch the crystals land on the frozen ground.
Stuck and immovable.
Forming like a guarded fortress.
Like you took hold of,
But only for shelter.
And you held me with a warm embrace,
Hot breath on my skin.

Your graceful kiss...
Your homely safety...
Your warmth in your hugs...
Are what I see, not etched in cold stone,
But etched in snow.

Candle Flicker

For M.B.

I see the candle flicker across from me.
Though it smells like "Ocean Flowers."
I know this to be artificial.
I know the ocean doesn't smell that way.

Deep in my memories, I smell salty air.
Which triggers my memories of salty sweat.
Trickling down from your head.
I love the smell.

My train of thought leaves me.
I hurt.
The image of you fades.
I lay in my bed.
Wanting to open up more to you.
Wanting to be held.
Alone.

The next night, the other candle.
It flickers and I smell "Rustic Woods."
Like the other, it is artificial.
I know the woods don't smell that way.

I remember, the smell of pine and ivy.
The sunshine of summer.
A lunch to share.
Birds chirping.
I feel that warmth.
I feel your hand in mine.

The image of that day fade.
Retrospectively it was omnipresent.
Somehow it makes me sadder.
Alone again.
Wanting to be held.

I don't want to feel this way.
I blow it out.
All I can smell is acrid smoke.
Then nothingness and darkness become one.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone...
I must keep these feelings in-check.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Dandelion

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again." -Katniss Everdeen, Mockingjay

Dandelions...
A sign that spring is upon us.
A sign that the Earth has begun anew.
A sign that another seasonal cycle will begin.

Summer, the smoldering heat.
Dry grass on the lawn.
Fire ravaging landscapes.
The fire inside my soul grows.
A fire that I have made my own.
I don't need someone with that flame.

Fall, the crisp wind.
The fresh air calms my inferno.
The weather made for light jackets.
Soft hoods to cover our ears.
The trees and flowers start their slumber.
I don't need someone to cool my fire that much.

Winter,  the snowy grounds.
A bitterly cold wind burns my ears.
My flame as cooled down to a mere candle flicker.
I spend my days waiting...
Longing for the tastes of spring.
The deadened trees deeply sadden me.
I don't need someone that slowly threatens to put my fire out.

Spring, the pure renewal of the Earth.
The green is replenished.
My fire is starting to do the same.
I start noticing the robins chirping,
And the yellow spots on the ground.
The spots that give someone like me hope.
Hope that there is someone out there to rest by my fire.
That my life is meaningful to myself and others.
That my losses aren't that bad.
That I can start over and be...
Happy.

Dandelions...
They aren't just a flower.
To let us know spring is among us...
It is a beacon of hope that means things will be alright.
The hope that stays alive inside me.
As a fire.

I need my own dandelion in the spring...

Out of my Mind

For Z.J.H., you will always be my friend.


I think of you often.
Too often, I think.
The kiss that connected us on the dock.
Through the storm, you held my hand.
You treated me kindly.

We had a deep connection,
More in-depth than the ocean's abyss.
Our parents never wanted us to be happy.
We found that comfort together.
I thought you were going to be forever.

I regret not seeing you.
I regret not speaking to you.
I still smell you when you're not around.
I feel that warm embrace.
You showed me love, I cannot repay.
You challenged me.

When I asked you that question...
'Will things be different this time?'
And no reply came...
I felt struck down.
I loved you.
My heart was yours.
I would've done anything to see you happy.

But the best thing you did for me...
Was leave words unspoken...
Unspoken, but heard.
Heard, but never forgotten.
I never will forget you.
I hope to see you again,
Healthy and parent-free.

We are connected by a kiss on the dock.
Through a storm in June.
Never will I forget that.

Don't Let Go

Truly for K.J.S.


Out on the streets
In the broad daylight
I want to hold your hand
And when I do...
Please don't let go...
Because you are keeping me from falling apart.

When you leave to go somewhere
Whether it be near or far
I want you to hug me
Embrace me in your warmth...
Please don't let go...
Because I need to feel that you are real.

In the bedroom
On a cold night with the moonlight
illuminating your face.
I want you to hold me tight...
When you do...
Baby, please don't let go...
Because you might be all, I have.

When the morning sun greets us
Through the window
I want us to sleep longer
When we do just that...
Please, baby, don't let go...
Because that's the way, it's supposed to be.

The Man with the Heart of Fire

 For those that doubt me

My body is shaking...
Tired of the games that people put me in.
Wasting their time...
They are only building up my resilience piece by piece.

My body just shakes more...
Shaking from the exhaustion, I am put through.
Waiting for the last strike...
Waiting for the death of my spirit, that seems inevitable...
And waiting for a reprieve to spare my spirit...
Ever so vigilant, ever so ready to make my counterstrike.

I'm set ablaze and walk out of the flames.
Unscathed like the fire burning inside my heart.
I'm stronger than the icy touch of those who trespass upon my path.
I melt the icy hearts that most people carry.
I am the lion, I am the phoenix, I am RESILIENT!!

My courage comes out of my fear of taking a stand.
My courage is in my own strength and selflessness.
My warm-blooded heart is what cures the sad and lonely.
The warmth from my kindness heals and attacks like venom when needed.

When I return to my den... I return victorious.
Victorious and fearful of retaliation.
The games I was put in made me increasingly vigilant.
Vigilant...
Vulnerable...
Grateful to be alive and unscathed...
I stepped out of the fire...
The fire in my heart is ever-growing and helps my body keep going.

My body shakes...
From never knowing what is around the next corner.
My heart wondering how much more it can take...
Before the fire is put out...

My Shelter

Spontaneity, charm, and a smile that melts
my heart.
There's this thing about him.
Something that I see in those hazel eyes.
A beautiful soul that shines like the Sun.

How his arms held tight to me in bed.
The way he reminds me that I am beautiful
He's got this thing about him that
helps me the man I want to be for him.
Bringing out the best in me like uncovering
treasure in the farthest depths of the sea.

When he lays on my chest, I feel like
he is one with me.
He hears my heartbeat and knows its
his.
I'm always at peace with him.

Everything about him makes me
view the world through a different lens.
Everything about him makes me want to be
with him.
He makes me fall harder

                                      and harder

                                                        in love.

Heart of Stone

 For R.H.

There's something about you that makes me wonder.
How do you live without feeling anything?
It's like someone replaced your warm
and loving heart with one of icy, hard stone.

It's like Medusa ripped open your chest
and stared at your ever beating heart.
You feel cold to the touch and I'm
afraid to speak for fear of you cold commentary.

Your stone heart makes you cold and
calculating.
Leaving frigid lashes on people's skin
just to bring them down.
I wonder, what made life so unfair to
you to be against the world?

I know that heart of stone is breakable,
but not with tools we all use to help you.
One day, someone will crack and chip
away at it until they feel the warmth
we know that's inside.

Moment's Reprieve

Just a moment to myself where I can
think about the day.
Just one moment...
Just a chance to take down my walls
in the fortress of my mind.

It is a serene way of letting go of those
who trespassed on you.
It is a way to make you feel whole again.
To be yourself without consequences.
No battles or wars to fight.
Nothing in the world can attack you.

You have no fears at this moment,
No worries, no hatred, no pain.
There isn't a thing you can't do in that
moment.

Once you snap out of this moment,
up goes the castle walls and your poker face.
Strength is all you have to keep the tears in
your eyes.
You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are
always going to be you.

You have the power to write your own
book of life.
You have the power to do anything your
heart desires.

A moment's reprieve is all you need...