Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

Reminder

I never seem to win.
I can't be logical,
Nor practical in reasoning.
Not when it comes to love.

So much weighs on my heart,
And in my brain that I feel smothered.
So much pain that I feel like I can't breathe.
So much love and no one to put it toward.

The very core of who I am is based on love.
Romantic and brotherly, the same.
All my thoughts irrational, fabrications.
A battle I feel I can't win.

I fall so quickly,
That it feels like it takes a lifetime to stand up again.
Each time worse than the last.
Each time fearing that there is no love left in the world.

I feel like an island,
Alone in the ocean.
Feelings string together into a depression.
A depression that this is the way it should be.

Though in rational thoughts, this is not true.
That I am loved.
That I am not that island and someone cares.
That I can love as deeply as I want.

I just have to wait before I lay it all on the line.
Learn from my hurting heart that I can't have the one I love.
Learn that it is okay to feel alone.
That love doesn't have to lead into that hole of depression.

Speechless

It's time to say something.
It's time to act.
It's time to spill my heart out.

Yet, I lost my words.
I'm a writer, but I lost the words.
There are words I want to tell you.
Speechless . . .

You've left me speechless.
Stammering words.
I'm at a loss.

Before you leave, I have to say . . .
Say something because you're leaving.
Something, I need my words.
My words, I need.

Three . . . I... .,
Two . . .  I... .,
One . . .I. . . .

You're out the door. . . .
I didn't even have the chance.
The chance that I had to say what my heart wants to say.
I miss you. . . .

The Smile

For J.J.

It sparkles like pearls.
It is only for me to notice.
A smile that melts the ice;
The ice protecting my heart.

Only at me, it shows.
Only at me, I see.
Coming and going, I see it shows.

The warmth emanating from you alone,
Tingles.
The smile you show up with,
Intensifies the warmth.

I feel lucky.
Lucky that you are there.
Lucky that you pass by.
Lucky to be graced by that charming smile.

Bitter Ending

For Z.J.H.

Dilemma after dilemma.
Time upon time.
Miss after miss.
Water upon the earth.

Thinking about it all hurts me.
The things we did,
The things we said,
The things we left unmentioned.

I saw the best of you.
I saw the worst.
The light in your eyes shut off.
I lost you.

No amount of love could revive you.
You were dead inside.
Broken by a broken home.
A monster that was created by those who gave you life.

A bitter end for us.
Though I think of you every so often,
I cannot love what you have become:
You are a shadow of your former self.

Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.

Winter Extinguishes, Spring Revives

For Someone I Liked

The snow gently falls,
The ice sparkles a glistens in patches.
As I see it all, taking in the scene,
I am reminded why I guard my heart over this season.
Winter freezes and extinguishes my fire.
Waiting for Spring to fill me, again, with hope.

That is . . .
Until I see your face.
I become less harsh, I am myself.
I warm up and, really, genuinely smile.
When I do, I see your smile.
And it makes me melt.

In your embrace,
I feel whole,
Whole and safe.

When you leave,
I feel empty,
Empty and alone.

Sonnet J

For J

I cannot find the words to express you.
And yet I can always find them nearby.
It has taken a month; you have no clue,
That I set my feelings aside to fly.

I had to break the silence; I must try.
In you very hand, my proverbial heart.
The very secret I hide, covered a lie.
It is for you that my pen makes this art.

That you, of all men, give me a jump-start.
Your warm embrace, I do feel more alive.
I fear the day that comes when you depart.
You kiss is what I want to feel in drive.

My eye for you is of smarts and beauty,
It is you I attract, then be flirty.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Like Earth Meeting Water

Alone in the woods,
Thinking of the many things in this world.
None like the earth and the water.

In how they are in constant harmony.
They meet everyday without hate,
No prejudice, just peace.

The water helps the earth mold into something better.
The earth listens to the water with active ears.
The water whistles a tune from the heart.
The earth amplifies it for the world to hear.

If only I could see people act as such,
Like the earth meeting water.
If only I could find a man with those qualities,
To find my harmony within.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

End

For K.J.S.

I suffered plenty,
A fish on your hook.
You let me go to finality,
No selfishness in the act.

It ended, finally.
My heart is broken,
But I am free.
Free from that prison of contempt.

No words could describe this.
We are both genuinely free.
Free to roam,
Free to love another.

I taught you to love,
You taught me life.
We fit together,
Except we are mismatched pieces.

Nevermore will I seek you.
Nevermore will the wheels turn.
Nevermore, the words will weave.
Nevermore will we hurt in the heart.

Years will pass,
And we'll laugh at our stupidity.
For all it is worth,
Take these last words and keep them close:

I love you.
And I hope you will find your light.

Ocean: You and Me

For the people I love in my life

I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.

I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.

I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.

I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.

I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.

I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.

Wallflower

For my fellow Wallflowers

I feel invisible.
No one sees me.
No one sees ME...
I feel my words fall on deaf ears.
I feel I am not heard.
I feel I cannot speak.

I feel invisible.
I cannot choose a path.
My choices are both crowded.
I cannot see what is ahead.
I cannot see the predictable.
I feel unseen and got shoved aside.

I feel invisible.
My words shoved back into my mouth.
No one wants to heard the words I can speak.
Pushed into silence.
Reinforced to not speak my truth and trust.
Reinforced to feel trapped in my head with words.

I feel invisible.
No one sees ME....
Not even you and I feel no care.
No care where no cure is sought.
No words to heal my broken heart.
Hours pass with no help.

I feel invisible.
I notice everyone, but no one knows this.
Wallflower I am.
Wallflower I'll be.
I can see with artist eyes.
No guiding stars to speak of.

I feel invisible.
Until you see me.
Until...
You see ME!
For once I'm noticed, but still I do not know.
I cannot speak because my voice you won't hear...

Candle Flicker

For M.B.

I see the candle flicker across from me.
Though it smells like "Ocean Flowers."
I know this to be artificial.
I know the ocean doesn't smell that way.

Deep in my memories, I smell salty air.
Which triggers my memories of salty sweat.
Trickling down from your head.
I love the smell.

My train of thought leaves me.
I hurt.
The image of you fades.
I lay in my bed.
Wanting to open up more to you.
Wanting to be held.
Alone.

The next night, the other candle.
It flickers and I smell "Rustic Woods."
Like the other, it is artificial.
I know the woods don't smell that way.

I remember, the smell of pine and ivy.
The sunshine of summer.
A lunch to share.
Birds chirping.
I feel that warmth.
I feel your hand in mine.

The image of that day fade.
Retrospectively it was omnipresent.
Somehow it makes me sadder.
Alone again.
Wanting to be held.

I don't want to feel this way.
I blow it out.
All I can smell is acrid smoke.
Then nothingness and darkness become one.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone...
I must keep these feelings in-check.

Dandelion

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again." -Katniss Everdeen, Mockingjay

Dandelions...
A sign that spring is upon us.
A sign that the Earth has begun anew.
A sign that another seasonal cycle will begin.

Summer, the smoldering heat.
Dry grass on the lawn.
Fire ravaging landscapes.
The fire inside my soul grows.
A fire that I have made my own.
I don't need someone with that flame.

Fall, the crisp wind.
The fresh air calms my inferno.
The weather made for light jackets.
Soft hoods to cover our ears.
The trees and flowers start their slumber.
I don't need someone to cool my fire that much.

Winter,  the snowy grounds.
A bitterly cold wind burns my ears.
My flame as cooled down to a mere candle flicker.
I spend my days waiting...
Longing for the tastes of spring.
The deadened trees deeply sadden me.
I don't need someone that slowly threatens to put my fire out.

Spring, the pure renewal of the Earth.
The green is replenished.
My fire is starting to do the same.
I start noticing the robins chirping,
And the yellow spots on the ground.
The spots that give someone like me hope.
Hope that there is someone out there to rest by my fire.
That my life is meaningful to myself and others.
That my losses aren't that bad.
That I can start over and be...
Happy.

Dandelions...
They aren't just a flower.
To let us know spring is among us...
It is a beacon of hope that means things will be alright.
The hope that stays alive inside me.
As a fire.

I need my own dandelion in the spring...

Out of my Mind

For Z.J.H., you will always be my friend.


I think of you often.
Too often, I think.
The kiss that connected us on the dock.
Through the storm, you held my hand.
You treated me kindly.

We had a deep connection,
More in-depth than the ocean's abyss.
Our parents never wanted us to be happy.
We found that comfort together.
I thought you were going to be forever.

I regret not seeing you.
I regret not speaking to you.
I still smell you when you're not around.
I feel that warm embrace.
You showed me love, I cannot repay.
You challenged me.

When I asked you that question...
'Will things be different this time?'
And no reply came...
I felt struck down.
I loved you.
My heart was yours.
I would've done anything to see you happy.

But the best thing you did for me...
Was leave words unspoken...
Unspoken, but heard.
Heard, but never forgotten.
I never will forget you.
I hope to see you again,
Healthy and parent-free.

We are connected by a kiss on the dock.
Through a storm in June.
Never will I forget that.

Missing Him

For Z.J.H.

I've known you for years.
I've liked you from the start.
You're charming, reliable, and handsome.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I still imagine your arms around my waist.
A tender kiss that falls on my shoulder.
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear.
A gentle touch.

Looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
I've had pleasant dreams about them.
It's like looking at wet sand where impressions are easy to make.

I miss that smile and laugh.
A smile that melts me.
A laugh that comforts me.

Your inner beauty is precious.
Like it is a hidden treasure of gold and diamonds.
Everybody sees it.
Everybody knows it.

Why seeing you stirs up these feelings in me, I don't know...
You're my friend and a friend for life.
When I'm around you, you make me feel special.

Alas, nothing can happen between us.
How I wish for you to like me...
You don't like men like I do.
I think that's why missing you hurts most of all...

Prima Facie (At First Sight)

For K.J.S.


When I first laid eyes on you,
I thought to myself, I hope I don't act stupid around him.
But it turned out to be a wonderful weekend.

We started spending more and more time together.
I felt happy and free.
I thought I can be myself with this man.
I had no fear, except for losing you.

I had feelings stirring inside my very stomach.
When I asked you to Gay Prom, but you said yes!
You cleared time for yourself to go, even though you scared me for a second.

That night of Prom, I knew you did it for me.
But at the cost of you becoming stressed.
I held you in arms, crying because I felt I did something wrong.
You wanted to go home, and so I did as you wished.

Every night I spent with you was in your arms.
We would talk until we slept.
You didn't know this, but when you would twitch, I'd hold on tighter because
I knew you were in for a rough night...
You would snooze the alarm just to have an extra five minutes with me in bed.

We would alternate cooking breakfast, which I know is your favorite.
Scrambled eggs and pancakes, and sometimes it was just cereal.
I'd watch you get ready for work, and you even asked me to help with your hair.
We'd kiss goodbye, and we both drove off happy because we knew we'd see
each other again.

I loved that when you looked at me, you looked into my eyes.
They happened to be your favorite color, blue.
And when I looked in your eyes, they smiled.
Which is my favorite feature of yours, your smile and laugh?

Waking up to a text from you made my world lighter like I could fly.
I knew it did the same to you.
And my roughest days, you cheered me up with a funny picture of yourself.
And my roughest nights, you told me you would always be there.

I thought I hadn't paid that much attention to what was going on.
I think about you all the time.
On my roughest nights, I want to call, but I feel I can't do it.
You've put up your walls...

I die on the inside more and more, but I fight through it.
I never knew that I'd be losing you...
I never thought that I'd lose the one man I truly wanted to be with.
The one man that could erase what others have done to me.

I just wish you could hold me...
I just wish you could kiss me...
I just wish to be yours...
I just wish you can see me as... me.

Lost in the Forest

In the forest I found myself in,
Looking around in search for something...
Or someone...

Lost in mind and lost at heart.
I stopped and looked up to see an unless sight
the trees completely eclipsing the sky.

Feeling alone never felt so hurtful.
Still no one in sight.
I decided to stop and sleep.

I had a dream of you and only you.
Of how I'd find you at the end of the forest,
And how I'd love you even more.

I finally found the sunlight at the end.
And there you were...
Standing and holding me.

I never felt so loved in my life.