Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Dandelion (2)

For someone I can't put their initials up

I have found a dandelion,
I the coolness of the heat.
I want to give it to you,
Because you are what I hoped to find.

The glimmer of hope I held onto,
For so long, so long.
I found you among the weeds,
That lovely spot of yellow.

You are special,
You're amazing to me.
Sensitive like the petals,
Resilient like the stem,
Lovely like the color.

I've never had this much comfort,
Just in knowing you're there.
Knowing I have beauty holding my hand,
Knowing I have something as real as a flower.
The very flower that gives me hope.

I have found a dandelion,
I picked it just for you,
Because you are what I had hoped to find...
And more.

The Spell of the Heartbeat

For Anybody Under This Spell

I lay on your chest,
Listening to your heart.
It beats feverishly,
Going thump-thump,
And I shut my eyes to the rhythm.

A gentle sleep,
The heart puts that spell on me.
In my dreams, you're there,
Swaying in endless dancing with me.
An organ's music plays sweetly.

When I'm home,
I hear it rise and fall.
I take that musical sound with me.
I hear it pulsing,
Your ghost is there, but I know you're real.

With you, I'm not alone,
With you, my breath is taken,
With you, I can believe,
With you, I feel my own heart pulsing,
With you, I can see the colors clearly.

I wake up,
Your hand in mine,
Your heart goes thump-thump in my ear.
My face twists into a smile,
As I look up at you.

Hidden Mountains

Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.

I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.

I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.

Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.

They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.

They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.

For What It's Worth I Am Home

I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.

Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.

Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.

Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
 I am home.

Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.

I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.

Far Away

For C.W.

Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.

I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.

Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.

I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.

Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.

Hear

 For Unrequited Love

I hear a sweet melody.
I feel the steady beat that I mistake for my own heart.
I hear the words,
But I realize it was you.
Singing in that low tone you have,
It isn't quite baritone, but still, I'm on cloud nine.

I listen to that beautiful voice of yours.
I can't understand why you don't use it more often.
I love the music you make.
You don't think I'm listening, hearing it.
I never thought I'd hear a song from you.

The song I hear you sing reminds me of a lush field.
Notes sung lay like grass and blow like a breeze.
I think of us in a plain, looking to the sky,
Watching the clouds change shape.
The harmony like the brook that flows as it hums.

I don't want it to end, but it does.
It ends, and my fantasy of the meadow... fades...
My day turned to night and rages into a storm.
I'm alone...
Alone in the meadow as rain falls,
Like my tears down my face.

I stay strong.
And hold back my tears as lightning strikes the ground.
A fiery ring surrounds me as I stand.
I watch and hear the dancing flames.
The crackle warms my now cold heart as it rings in my ears.
I may not have you, but I have an everlasting fire.
A fire in my heart that burns with strength...
Determination...
Perseverance...
It burns, and I feel it.
I hear it beating.
I hear it speaking to me.
I hear it screaming!
Telling me, I am still alive.

The fire can't destroy me.
The ring that burns into my retinas.
The image searing into my brain.
I'm immune to this danger.
I walk through...
I walk through it with no pain.
Just warmth surrounding me.

My thoughts leave me as I find myself lying asleep next to you.
Your warmth is what I felt.
It's what burned like fire.
Your arm around me tight,
Afraid I'll fly away... or fall apart.
I am whole, and I am calm.

I hear your sweet song in my head.
Against the snoring melody you make.
And I fall to sleep as it all starts again...

Candle Flicker

For M.B.

I see the candle flicker across from me.
Though it smells like "Ocean Flowers."
I know this to be artificial.
I know the ocean doesn't smell that way.

Deep in my memories, I smell salty air.
Which triggers my memories of salty sweat.
Trickling down from your head.
I love the smell.

My train of thought leaves me.
I hurt.
The image of you fades.
I lay in my bed.
Wanting to open up more to you.
Wanting to be held.
Alone.

The next night, the other candle.
It flickers and I smell "Rustic Woods."
Like the other, it is artificial.
I know the woods don't smell that way.

I remember, the smell of pine and ivy.
The sunshine of summer.
A lunch to share.
Birds chirping.
I feel that warmth.
I feel your hand in mine.

The image of that day fade.
Retrospectively it was omnipresent.
Somehow it makes me sadder.
Alone again.
Wanting to be held.

I don't want to feel this way.
I blow it out.
All I can smell is acrid smoke.
Then nothingness and darkness become one.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone...
I must keep these feelings in-check.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Missing Him

For Z.J.H.

I've known you for years.
I've liked you from the start.
You're charming, reliable, and handsome.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I still imagine your arms around my waist.
A tender kiss that falls on my shoulder.
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear.
A gentle touch.

Looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
I've had pleasant dreams about them.
It's like looking at wet sand where impressions are easy to make.

I miss that smile and laugh.
A smile that melts me.
A laugh that comforts me.

Your inner beauty is precious.
Like it is a hidden treasure of gold and diamonds.
Everybody sees it.
Everybody knows it.

Why seeing you stirs up these feelings in me, I don't know...
You're my friend and a friend for life.
When I'm around you, you make me feel special.

Alas, nothing can happen between us.
How I wish for you to like me...
You don't like men like I do.
I think that's why missing you hurts most of all...

Memories

Often repressed,
Often revised,
Often remembered,
Often snide.

Memories are lost,
Memories are static.
Memories aren't perfect.
Yet they manifest in our dreams.

They help us remember how to do things,
Like eat, drink, and drive.
They help us remember those we hold dear to us,
Like dinners, movies, books, and people.

Ever staying some of them.
Like with people who suffer from post-traumatic stress.
Never forget and never let go.
Memories are scared no matter where you go.

Nightmares

 “'It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,' he says. 'I'm okay once I realize you're here.'" -Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
Unspeakable things happen.
Loved ones die and leave you to suffer.
Bugs crawl up underneath the skin.

Like a post-traumatic event,
They leave a stamp in your mind that seems all too real.
Revisiting the terrors of your high school days.
Revisiting the little things that have happened in your life.

My mind is ravaged with these horrid dreams.
Too much for me to handle on most nights.
I wake up in cold sweats and tears in my eyes.
I wake up screaming so I can make it stop.

Lucid, as they are, I know some are absurd.
They are real in a way to our waking life.
Nothing seems to end them because no matter what, they come back.
Nightmares are all too real in our minds.

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
They make me lie awake all night for fear I'll have another.
It is the monster that won't leave.
It is something that I cannot stop.
They will keep coming for me...