Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

Old Becomes New: The Poems Will Continue

It's been a year since I started this poetry blog. The poetry will never stop, if I become inspired I will post a new poem. I'm glad you all enjoyed this blog and I look forward to writing more poetry. This is the best thing that I could do for myself creatively.

This has been a beautiful year. I've had my share of heartbreaks, crushes, love, friendships, realizations, change, hatred, and fun. I hope that there is more out there for me to see, to broaden my horizons. Hopefully, I will get that chance.

A Year

A year has flown by,
Just like they have before.
So much to do,
So little time.

Though I still have the crushes of the past.
I'll still have those to look toward to in the future.
We lost a friend along the way.
But somehow we made room for new friends.

Heartbreaks that were inevitable.
Love was found along the way.
People out to destroy that love,
And gaining a new sense of strength.

I shared my story of high school,
I shared my childhood memories.
I shared my love and hatred for a state.
And I shared my journey.

I look at the year I have lived.
I know that somehow, someday that everything will be alright.
Somehow...
Someday...

Maybe I'll Find Peace and find my Dandelion.
Maybe the One-Armed Tattooed Man will talk to me more.
Maybe I'll have my Moment's Reprieve on a Sleigh of Roses.
Maybe my Struggles will help inspire others.
Maybe... just maybe people will see the Light in the Same Lens.

A year in reflection.
A year of adding to my strength.
A year to find what most my age can never touch.
A year... to remember.

Finding Peace

Peace...
Hope...
That's what I find in the wilderness.
My sanctuary in the trees.

The calmness of the running stream.
The stillness in the grove.
I find my solace here.

The trees stand still with time.
Ever growing in the rain and sunshine.
My friends that I can climb.
Deep into the canopy is where I'd like to be.

Sitting on the thickest branch I can reach.
I wonder and fall asleep to the whisper of the stream.
The chirping of the magpies and other birds is the last thing I hear.

Here I feel safe.
Here I can be me.
Here I don't have to answer to anyone.
Here I am free...

I have always loved the Earth.
Growing and fertile.
It reminds me there is something about this world that I love.

Peace and hope...
That's my reason for living.
Safe and free...
That is what is meant for me to be.

Prima Facie (At First Sight)

For K.J.S.


When I first laid eyes on you,
I thought to myself, I hope I don't act stupid around him.
But it turned out to be a wonderful weekend.

We started spending more and more time together.
I felt happy and free.
I thought I can be myself with this man.
I had no fear, except for losing you.

I had feelings stirring inside my very stomach.
When I asked you to Gay Prom, but you said yes!
You cleared time for yourself to go, even though you scared me for a second.

That night of Prom, I knew you did it for me.
But at the cost of you becoming stressed.
I held you in arms, crying because I felt I did something wrong.
You wanted to go home, and so I did as you wished.

Every night I spent with you was in your arms.
We would talk until we slept.
You didn't know this, but when you would twitch, I'd hold on tighter because
I knew you were in for a rough night...
You would snooze the alarm just to have an extra five minutes with me in bed.

We would alternate cooking breakfast, which I know is your favorite.
Scrambled eggs and pancakes, and sometimes it was just cereal.
I'd watch you get ready for work, and you even asked me to help with your hair.
We'd kiss goodbye, and we both drove off happy because we knew we'd see
each other again.

I loved that when you looked at me, you looked into my eyes.
They happened to be your favorite color, blue.
And when I looked in your eyes, they smiled.
Which is my favorite feature of yours, your smile and laugh?

Waking up to a text from you made my world lighter like I could fly.
I knew it did the same to you.
And my roughest days, you cheered me up with a funny picture of yourself.
And my roughest nights, you told me you would always be there.

I thought I hadn't paid that much attention to what was going on.
I think about you all the time.
On my roughest nights, I want to call, but I feel I can't do it.
You've put up your walls...

I die on the inside more and more, but I fight through it.
I never knew that I'd be losing you...
I never thought that I'd lose the one man I truly wanted to be with.
The one man that could erase what others have done to me.

I just wish you could hold me...
I just wish you could kiss me...
I just wish to be yours...
I just wish you can see me as... me.

Nightmares

 “'It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,' he says. 'I'm okay once I realize you're here.'" -Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
Unspeakable things happen.
Loved ones die and leave you to suffer.
Bugs crawl up underneath the skin.

Like a post-traumatic event,
They leave a stamp in your mind that seems all too real.
Revisiting the terrors of your high school days.
Revisiting the little things that have happened in your life.

My mind is ravaged with these horrid dreams.
Too much for me to handle on most nights.
I wake up in cold sweats and tears in my eyes.
I wake up screaming so I can make it stop.

Lucid, as they are, I know some are absurd.
They are real in a way to our waking life.
Nothing seems to end them because no matter what, they come back.
Nightmares are all too real in our minds.

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
They make me lie awake all night for fear I'll have another.
It is the monster that won't leave.
It is something that I cannot stop.
They will keep coming for me...

Truth Is...

For K.J.S.


The truth is... I miss you...
I cry myself to sleep because I need you to hold me.
Your flesh connecting with mine.
Your embrace warms me and warms my heart.

The truth is... I hurt you...
I go crazy every day for saying those things to you out of fear.
Fear that you were going to be like the others before you.
I was wrong the entire time...

It's too late to tell you all this because...
You don't forgive me...
I don't blame you...
No one ever will...
I hurt you with words I cannot take back...
I hurt you with the very things you are not...

The truth is... I admire you...
You have a grand balancing act that is impossible for most.
You deserve the days you have off.
You deserve to be happy.

The truth is... I want you to be happy...
I want that for you because I didn't fulfill it.
I want you to go out there and do things for you.
I want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.

The truth is... you made me feel pretty...
You made me truly happy, something I never felt in a long time.
You were helping me be more open, and you thought I was beautiful.
But I showed you someone ugly and undeserving.

It's too late to tell you the truth... because...
I know you don't want to hear it...
Especially after seeing such a monster...
As much as I try to forgive myself...
I cannot do it without you to forgive me...

You were my light, but now... you're gone...
I'm lost without your guidance...
Lost... Lost... Lost...
My heart aches every night, calling for you...
I just want to pick up the phone and call your number...
Just to hear your voice...

I just want to look at the happy memories we made together...
The dance... the pictures... the gazebo... the tree...
Just you and me, together...
I should've asked you when I had the chance.
To have asked you to one last dance.
To make it last and for you to hold me tight as we twirled.

The truth is... you let me love you...
I never have felt lonely until now...
Just kiss me please, and that might be it for now...

The truth is... I'm in bed with tear stains on the pillow...
Calling for you... to come to hold me once more...

The Meadow

As time flows by without a prayer,
Everyone around me doesn't seem to care.
All that I care about is seeing you there.

In a meadow just you and me,
There is no sadness, only glee.
If only time would seize to be.

There are no dark clouds, only an endless blue sky,
A beautiful moment that makes us want to cry.
We both kiss each other without care.

Underneath this endless sky and in the meadow,
I'd like the whole world to know.
That we are forever together and nothing more.

Lost in the Forest

In the forest I found myself in,
Looking around in search for something...
Or someone...

Lost in mind and lost at heart.
I stopped and looked up to see an unless sight
the trees completely eclipsing the sky.

Feeling alone never felt so hurtful.
Still no one in sight.
I decided to stop and sleep.

I had a dream of you and only you.
Of how I'd find you at the end of the forest,
And how I'd love you even more.

I finally found the sunlight at the end.
And there you were...
Standing and holding me.

I never felt so loved in my life.

Light in the Same Lens

I see not through differences,
But in sameness.
We're all humans,
So what's the issue?

Do we not bleed red?
When we scrape our knee,
Get a paper cut, or shot?

Do we not breathe the same air?
The life that we are given by the sweet
Oxygen-filled air that fills our lungs.

Do our hearts not beat the same way?
With every pump of the heart we are given life.
With every pump we give love.

Sameness in this sense makes us human...
What makes us different is our choices in our environment.
Being human is making mistakes to learn from them.

What purpose is there to hurt each other with actions and words?
We all hurt the same way.
We all feel the need to belong.
All we want is to be loved all the same.

Sleepless Night

I lay my head against the pillow.
Eyes searching through the darkness.
The cold, darkness that surrounds me
as I bring the comforter up to my neck.

The cold is choking me and causes me to as I lay awake.
Knowing of the unknown petrifies me.
No soft golden glow of the Sun until the morning.
There is a need for a halcyon night.

My eyes are open to the surroundings.
I cannot close them because something might be coming.
I must be able to fend off an attacker.
I need to protect my body from the harm that may never come.

As silly as it seems, nothing will ever come.
I shut my eyes after a few more minutes
watching the bedroom door.
Knowing that morning is close at hand.
Knowing that soon I can rest and be amongst the living.

I can only sleep restfully when you're right here with me.

Keys

Keys can be a symbol of luck.
Sometimes seen has the object of opening doors
to the future.
Sometimes they open the treasure troves in our lover's heart.
Sometimes even your own...

I wear one around my neck.
I feel it guards the inner spirit within me...
It protects me from harm and is never in the way.
If I take it off, I feel naked and not as safe as I want to be.

The key to my heart and winning me over,
now that is a complex story.
Yet it is simply divine in what one can do for me.
Will I tell?
What fun would that be if I just spill it out?
It's not a game even if it seems that way.

But here is a clever hint, if you need one:
A simple stimulation... of the intellectual kind.
No moving the mountains or flying to the moon to take it down
from the Heavens.

Remember this simple object and the symbolism it holds.
A key for luck and opening the doors for a better life.

Ravaged

To the monster inside of me

My body feels ravaged.
Thinking of food never crossed my mind.
I was too busy taking care of the million things.
I had to do before thinking about eating.
No-one stopped me, no one...

I started going to bed hungry.
I thought I wouldn't be alive the next morning.
I had enough to get myself the things I needed,
but I felt I never had enough money to buy essentials.

I couldn't stop, my mind racing, my heart beating faster.
I felt like running, running from nothing but the air.
The fire of my heart slowly dying, fading...
The man with the heart of fire losing the battle in his mind.

Is this real... or not?
I couldn't wrap my mind around everything.
Why did this happen to me?
I didn't want to be thinner or anything.
I wanted to be me...
The me I knew a while back...
The me that knew he could fight the impossible.

He is there inside of me, and he is going to beat this monster.
The monster that beat me down...
Telling me I can't fight, telling me I won't win...

I will fight because my life is worth living.
Hungry no more says the new me...
Hungry no more!
Hungry no more...

I'm free from my cage that monster put me in.
I'm free to sing a beautiful song that makes people go silent.
Listen to the tune of freedom...
Listen...
Just listen to the song of strength I sing...
And you, too, can be free like me.

Going Home

Never feeling so alive.
Hometown still the same.
Family doing fine.

My heart feels it never left.
Yet it doesn't belong there anymore.
No one in dire need to want me back
in that town.

The house I grew up in is not my home.
Even though my last name is still on the mailbox.
I die more on the inside
Near tears, which could've flooded the Nile.

Nothing would have stopped me after that trip to stay.
I know I couldn't...
I have people who depend on me in my new home.
Friends...
Roommates...
Someone who cares about me...

Truth is...
I couldn't go back to my hometown again,
because my heart just isn't there anymore.

The Man with the Heart of Fire

 For those that doubt me

My body is shaking...
Tired of the games that people put me in.
Wasting their time...
They are only building up my resilience piece by piece.

My body just shakes more...
Shaking from the exhaustion, I am put through.
Waiting for the last strike...
Waiting for the death of my spirit, that seems inevitable...
And waiting for a reprieve to spare my spirit...
Ever so vigilant, ever so ready to make my counterstrike.

I'm set ablaze and walk out of the flames.
Unscathed like the fire burning inside my heart.
I'm stronger than the icy touch of those who trespass upon my path.
I melt the icy hearts that most people carry.
I am the lion, I am the phoenix, I am RESILIENT!!

My courage comes out of my fear of taking a stand.
My courage is in my own strength and selflessness.
My warm-blooded heart is what cures the sad and lonely.
The warmth from my kindness heals and attacks like venom when needed.

When I return to my den... I return victorious.
Victorious and fearful of retaliation.
The games I was put in made me increasingly vigilant.
Vigilant...
Vulnerable...
Grateful to be alive and unscathed...
I stepped out of the fire...
The fire in my heart is ever-growing and helps my body keep going.

My body shakes...
From never knowing what is around the next corner.
My heart wondering how much more it can take...
Before the fire is put out...