Seeing Red and Feeling Heat

My fuse, once long, slowly burns away.
Closer to making me explode.
The volcano bubbling and boiling inside me,
Is ready to erupt.

So much packed into me,
So little time to alleviate it.

I want to scream until I'm hoarse.
I want to punch out a wall.
I want to throw a rock so hard that it will shatter,
Falling apart as it slams into the ground.
I want to break glass,
And hope that the pieces shatter into bits.

Revenge isn't the answer to my full-grown anger.
Nor is isolation in my Tower.
The situations I am in call for action.
Actions of kindness and acceptance.

The things I'm angry about shouldn't matter anymore.
Situations in the past must stay there.

Hopefully, once my anger cools there will be a time of peace.
Until then, a long list should be taken care of for now.

Let Go

It's time to let go.
Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill, and the emotions will gather.
Those chemicals bubble inside your head,
Release them as whatever they are.

Let happiness spread the warmth;
Let sadness cool it;
Let anger boil over;
Let envy show its ugly green head;
Let silliness make your brain numb with your laughter;
Let confusion make you dizzy.

Most of all, let the feeling of love burn.
Let it burn bright like fire,
Like a guiding light.
Don't let it burn you out with irrational flight.

Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill.
Let go and release what you will down.

Sleepless Night

I lay my head against the pillow.
Eyes searching through the darkness.
The cold, darkness that surrounds me
as I bring the comforter up to my neck.

The cold is choking me and causes me to as I lay awake.
Knowing of the unknown petrifies me.
No soft golden glow of the Sun until the morning.
There is a need for a halcyon night.

My eyes are open to the surroundings.
I cannot close them because something might be coming.
I must be able to fend off an attacker.
I need to protect my body from the harm that may never come.

As silly as it seems, nothing will ever come.
I shut my eyes after a few more minutes
watching the bedroom door.
Knowing that morning is close at hand.
Knowing that soon I can rest and be amongst the living.

I can only sleep restfully when you're right here with me.

Struggle #4 (Junior Year)

From the 11th grade me

The teasing never ceased...
I still couldn't trust anyone.
I started building a harder shell.
I started to close myself to everyone.

I felt I was going to come apart.
I started Cross Country to get rid of the anger.
It barely helped, but it was the only thing I could do.

No one knew how hurt I was.
I suffered in the background.
No one understood me, not even myself.

After one meet I ran an opponent called me a faggot
for beating him in the race.
The officials never caught it to disqualify him.
I cried after that happened and the assistant coach
came over and hugged me.
Even though she thought it was about the race, it was still comforting.

The rest of the year, I still couldn't go down
the hall without hearing slurs of hatred.
I just kept chugging along because I dreamt of a life
outside of that Hell's four walls.
I escaped yet another year.

Thought Suppression

Do not think about a White bear.
What comes into your mind?
A White elephant?
A White rose?
Or perhaps the White snow?

Maybe a Black bear?
Or even a Grizzly?

There is something to be said by
why you try not to think of a White bear.
The answer is simple, but do not be alarmed!
It's all in the mind and even the best of the best
get tricked like this.

Do not fear feeling silly for suppressing
your thoughts of a White bear!
As you remember I did quite the same!
Think as you wish and let the mind
wander into the deep fathoms of your mind!!!

This is just a simple test,
Just remember...
                         Do not
                                     think
                                             of a
                                                    White
                                                             bear.........