Hidden

There is beauty in the way he walks.
There is a lot to him that most don't think about.
The sensitivity of his words.
The heart on his sleeve.

There is a hidden intelligence;
No one seems to care because they tear him down regardless.
Which leaves and creates something deeper down inside.

The moment he steps through the apartment door, he falls.
Falls from graceful walking to a crumpled mess on the floor.
No one to save him or pick him up.

Depression claws its way up to tearful eyes.
Anxiety prickles underneath fair skin.
All is done, and thoughts end in the meltdown.

Stoic and strand after,
Steeled nerves and better for the fit.
He walks again in grace and beauty.
He walks again, renewed, confident.

Though with courage,
He still fears the depression and anxiety waiting.
Waiting to greet him by the next night's end.

Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Reminder

I never seem to win.
I can't be logical,
Nor practical in reasoning.
Not when it comes to love.

So much weighs on my heart,
And in my brain that I feel smothered.
So much pain that I feel like I can't breathe.
So much love and no one to put it toward.

The very core of who I am is based on love.
Romantic and brotherly, the same.
All my thoughts irrational, fabrications.
A battle I feel I can't win.

I fall so quickly,
That it feels like it takes a lifetime to stand up again.
Each time worse than the last.
Each time fearing that there is no love left in the world.

I feel like an island,
Alone in the ocean.
Feelings string together into a depression.
A depression that this is the way it should be.

Though in rational thoughts, this is not true.
That I am loved.
That I am not that island and someone cares.
That I can love as deeply as I want.

I just have to wait before I lay it all on the line.
Learn from my hurting heart that I can't have the one I love.
Learn that it is okay to feel alone.
That love doesn't have to lead into that hole of depression.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

S.A.D. (Winter's Worst)

The first snowfall,
It should be a happy moment,
For me it signals misery:
A five month spell of sadness.

I should be outside,
Building a snowman,
A snow angel,
If I'm lucky an ice sculpture.

Instead, I hide inside,
In my den like a fox,
Crying into a tear-stained pillow,
Overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

Uncontrollable with the lack of sunlight.
Solutions with no resolutions.
It's depression to the point where running and writing cannot touch it.
It slowly kills me; a dark pit hollowed in.

The cure for myself?
It is the feeling of waking up to Spring.
A warmth that grows and melts the Winter's worst.
A smile of pure joy spreads through me like hope.

Robin sweetly chirping a song of return,
Trees coming out of a slumber,
The sun's warmth,
The bright yellow of dandelions poking out of the ground.

A fire rekindled.
A light renewed.
A positivity to rejoice in for many months.
A song that now be sung.

Speechless

It's time to say something.
It's time to act.
It's time to spill my heart out.

Yet, I lost my words.
I'm a writer, but I lost the words.
There are words I want to tell you.
Speechless . . .

You've left me speechless.
Stammering words.
I'm at a loss.

Before you leave, I have to say . . .
Say something because you're leaving.
Something, I need my words.
My words, I need.

Three . . . I... .,
Two . . .  I... .,
One . . .I. . . .

You're out the door. . . .
I didn't even have the chance.
The chance that I had to say what my heart wants to say.
I miss you. . . .

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

Cold Blood and Skin

My blood ran cold,
It is frozen like ice,
Painful like tiny knives through my veins.
I shiver badly, and I'm so cold.

The grip of the cold squeezes all my insides,
None more than my heart.
My skin bursts into bumps,
The vessels in my eye hurt.

Acid-like tears stain my face.
They are caustic and warm enough to melt concrete.
They burn my icy-blue eyes.
I can't stop...

Pain makes me strong,
But it takes time for that.
Time that slows down like molasses down a snowy hill.
Cutting into me harshly like the blood in my body.

The soft pillow on my head,
Gives me comfort as I curl up.
I sleep, in shock, but cold.
Knowing that soon I'll be stronger for it.

Sinking Heart in Glass

My heart sinks,
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.

It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.

My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.

Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.

I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.

I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.

What No One Knows

What no one knows,
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.

All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.

I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.

Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.

I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.

What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

Fallen

For those that don't have the strength to continue

I have fallen,
No one to catch me.

My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.

My heart is broken,
Now I cry.

I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.

You smile,
I frown.

Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.

I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...

I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.

 Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.

Love Like the Rain

For my memories of blissful love

Fallen rain,

Like piercing arrows shot from a recurve.

Freezing its targets,

Skin stings like a wasp.

A musky smell,

The ground secretes in its defense.

It fills the air like a noxious gas.

It smells sweet like honey as it enters my nose.

Sheets fall and roughly splashing into puddles.

Puddles that look dark in the night like ebony eyes shining.

It dances aimlessly across the plain and cracked earth.

I watch it lick like flames in a pit.

Cool gales blow,

Churning the puddles like waves of the sea.

I want to be on a small sailboat rocking back and forth,

Challenging Poseidon’s power in the wake.

Rain like this is like love:

Rough.

I couldn’t imagine life as rain.

Splashing to the ground and evaporating, cycling.

Love in humans: changes.

Changes from day- to-day,

Never-ending, but fading quickly.

But loving like the rain, in cycles, is real.

I Made It Home

My heart on fire.
My lungs burn.
I've been running.
Running and running.
Thoughts race.

I made it home.
It isn't the home, I know.
It isn't your heart.
It isn't safe.
It isn't anything.

I don't have much for myself.
I can't have much for myself.
I won't have much for myself.
Selflessness is what prevents that for me.

I don't see you because you are gone.
A speck in the distance climbing over a mountain.
I don't know you anymore.
I don't know where you lay your head at night.
I don't see your boundaries.
I don't hear you amongst the noise.

I made it home.
But it isn't what I think I deserve.
You're somewhere else.
I will find your heart and take shelter in it again.

I'll keep running.
I'll keep trying.
I'll keep you safe.
Just don't let me collapse inward.
Help me untie my knotted ropes.
Help me climb the mountains.
Climbing toward where the Sun and Moon are seen together.
Toward a new beginning one day in time.

Wallflower

For my fellow Wallflowers

I feel invisible.
No one sees me.
No one sees ME...
I feel my words fall on deaf ears.
I feel I am not heard.
I feel I cannot speak.

I feel invisible.
I cannot choose a path.
My choices are both crowded.
I cannot see what is ahead.
I cannot see the predictable.
I feel unseen and got shoved aside.

I feel invisible.
My words shoved back into my mouth.
No one wants to heard the words I can speak.
Pushed into silence.
Reinforced to not speak my truth and trust.
Reinforced to feel trapped in my head with words.

I feel invisible.
No one sees ME....
Not even you and I feel no care.
No care where no cure is sought.
No words to heal my broken heart.
Hours pass with no help.

I feel invisible.
I notice everyone, but no one knows this.
Wallflower I am.
Wallflower I'll be.
I can see with artist eyes.
No guiding stars to speak of.

I feel invisible.
Until you see me.
Until...
You see ME!
For once I'm noticed, but still I do not know.
I cannot speak because my voice you won't hear...

Snow Kisses and Embraces

I watch the snowfall.
Graceful and beautiful.
Glistening like diamonds in the light.
Melting like your kisses on a dark, cold night.

I watch the flakes dance.
Dancing in the wind.
Dancing right into my hair.
They must have found a haven with me,
Like I with you.

 I watch the crystals land on the frozen ground.
Stuck and immovable.
Forming like a guarded fortress.
Like you took hold of,
But only for shelter.
And you held me with a warm embrace,
Hot breath on my skin.

Your graceful kiss...
Your homely safety...
Your warmth in your hugs...
Are what I see, not etched in cold stone,
But etched in snow.

The Desert Walk

I walk at sunrise.
I walk in the desert, days on end,
Barefoot and tattered clothes.
Trying to find you.

Nothing is lushly green,
Nothing but dried weeds and brown rock.
Mountains in the horizon,
Lustrous beauty before me.

High noon and I sweat.
Sun-soaked skin and sticky sweat.
I walk...
I walk keeping faith.
Keeping hope.

I can't see the end.
I can't see the hope I once had.
My body is starved from no food,
Dried from no water.

Twilight star came with sunset colors.
Heart aching, blistered like my skin through tatter clothes.
I find no end and I collapse.
It seems fate got to me...
Before I got to you.

Pain in Love

I feel...
I feel that pain...
In my heart, I'm left alone.
Afraid of breaking...
Afraid of climbing that canyon wall.

I'm within myself.
Love hurts inside me,
Like I have been running forever.
Never stopping because I can't...
I need to keep going!
Yet I'm running out of breath.

No comfort...
Falling down an abyss,
No one catches me...
Aiming for you, but missing terribly.

I feel this pain in love.
Loving so hard, I hurt myself.
No one catches me as I fall backward and inward.
No one... not even you...

I See You Walking

For Z.J.H.

I see you walking...
Walking alone down the moonlighted path.
Alone you walk,
Aimless, yet not.

I see your shadow walking...
Walking behind you steadily.
Step by step, he follows.
Stuck, like you feel.

I see you look upward...
Looking at the moon.
You look at peace.
You look, as I stare up with you.

I try to think of what you think of.
I'm bleeding empathy!
Trying to figure it out.
I don't know what to say.
I want to yell out for you...
But all that comes out is silence...

Your image fades, no silhouette left.
I stand alone on the moonlit path.
I wish for you to stand there along with me...
Though that will never be.
We don't talk, yet I still love you.

I saw you walking...
And tears fall down my face...
I still search for you,
Where there is no path to follow.

If I Stay, If I Go

If I stay, I have nothing.
I have nothing, but the friends I made.
I have no opportunity in any arena.
None.

If I stay, I am in despair.
I'm not going to be able to climb out of the hole.
The hole is dark and damp.
I'd have a better chance of living in a cave.

If I go, I will have something.
I'll have more opportunities.
Make new friends.
Be able to live.

If I go, I would be happier.
I would be able to climb out of my despair.
See the light of day and feel the halcyon warmth.
My heart would settle and be whole again.

Yet I'm stuck.
Stuck in the middle.
In the middle of an open field.
I have the tools to cultivate, but I don't know what to grow.
For once the seeds are sown, there is no way to stop them.