Hidden

There is beauty in the way he walks.
There is a lot to him that most don't think about.
The sensitivity of his words.
The heart on his sleeve.

There is a hidden intelligence;
No one seems to care because they tear him down regardless.
Which leaves and creates something deeper down inside.

The moment he steps through the apartment door, he falls.
Falls from graceful walking to a crumpled mess on the floor.
No one to save him or pick him up.

Depression claws its way up to tearful eyes.
Anxiety prickles underneath fair skin.
All is done, and thoughts end in the meltdown.

Stoic and strand after,
Steeled nerves and better for the fit.
He walks again in grace and beauty.
He walks again, renewed, confident.

Though with courage,
He still fears the depression and anxiety waiting.
Waiting to greet him by the next night's end.

Unbreak My Heart

I wanted it all for you.
I wanted to be everything to you.
I'm guessing that you'll be fine;
Leaving me against the sidelines to cheer you on.

It's a long road, a long way, for me;
Especially from who you were looking for.
Though when you describe your dream man . . .
He sounds like me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so passive.
Maybe I should've been more understanding of your actions.
My unanswered questions were answered,
But it doesn't stop me from the "what-ifs" that run through my mind.

Maybe I needed to stay with you.
Instead, I distanced myself from you, afraid.
Even has I miss your warm embraces and you, the person.
I can only partially blame myself for the broken heart I have.

Whoever gets to be with you,
Will be lucky.
Whoever this is,
I hope for nothing but the best.
Whoever he is,
I hope he gives you the love I know you deserve.

You can't unbreak my heart;
That's my job, I know now.
No matter who I see you with,
I'll know you're happier with him than you would've been with me.

Seeing Red and Feeling Heat

My fuse, once long, slowly burns away.
Closer to making me explode.
The volcano bubbling and boiling inside me,
Is ready to erupt.

So much packed into me,
So little time to alleviate it.

I want to scream until I'm hoarse.
I want to punch out a wall.
I want to throw a rock so hard that it will shatter,
Falling apart as it slams into the ground.
I want to break glass,
And hope that the pieces shatter into bits.

Revenge isn't the answer to my full-grown anger.
Nor is isolation in my Tower.
The situations I am in call for action.
Actions of kindness and acceptance.

The things I'm angry about shouldn't matter anymore.
Situations in the past must stay there.

Hopefully, once my anger cools there will be a time of peace.
Until then, a long list should be taken care of for now.

Topsy-Turvy Ride

Life is a bitch;
A rollercoaster.
It's merely signing a lease for the unknown.

You're sheltered for at least some of the time,
In one form or another.
Raised in a small or big family.
With a single parent, both, adopted, or none.
Below the poverty line, middle class, or wealthy.

Sometimes you assimilate to the surroundings like a chameleon.
Sometimes you stick out like an oddly-shaped formation.
Sometimes you know who you are and are rewarded or denied.
Sometimes you're confused, and you don't know what direction to take.

Then comes the point to continue to college, or take on different paths.
A time where you figure out if you have enough to go, or not;
Sometimes even if you are or aren't cut out for it because people cut you down to scraps.
Sometimes you find yourself or become new and stronger.

There comes a time to survive.
Experience dark days and even brighter nights.
Leases, rent, bills, student loans, jobs, food, companionship, death of loved ones, abandonment, douchebags, roommates, depression, kids, business ownership, and much, much more ups-and-downs.
All swirl together like a never-ending storm competing for attention.

There is a time where you will cycle between good and evil.
Either feeling you're on-top-of-the-world,
Or feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
You will cycle, and the cliche is true: It Does Get Better.

There will be so many moments.
Big, or small like grains of sand.
Life in respect is beautiful,
Though still a bitter bitch.

There will also be a time when the lease runs out.
Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or elderly.
Whether it's quick or slow.
Death is not a looming, dreadful thing.
It is just a price.
Something worked hard for.
And a stamp for completing a life no matter how it's lived.

Lion's Golden Heart

Courage ignites inside me,
When my hand joins yours.

It thaws the layers of ice,
Around a protected heart.

My heart shines of gold,
It glints showing the world a me that's been hiding.

I can let loose the beast my renewed courage revealed.
I can let loss feelings I refused to show.
I can be me because I don't have to fear.

Everything goes two ways.
You have shown me the best and worst.
Your courage and life ignite like you have done for me.

Reminder

I never seem to win.
I can't be logical,
Nor practical in reasoning.
Not when it comes to love.

So much weighs on my heart,
And in my brain that I feel smothered.
So much pain that I feel like I can't breathe.
So much love and no one to put it toward.

The very core of who I am is based on love.
Romantic and brotherly, the same.
All my thoughts irrational, fabrications.
A battle I feel I can't win.

I fall so quickly,
That it feels like it takes a lifetime to stand up again.
Each time worse than the last.
Each time fearing that there is no love left in the world.

I feel like an island,
Alone in the ocean.
Feelings string together into a depression.
A depression that this is the way it should be.

Though in rational thoughts, this is not true.
That I am loved.
That I am not that island and someone cares.
That I can love as deeply as I want.

I just have to wait before I lay it all on the line.
Learn from my hurting heart that I can't have the one I love.
Learn that it is okay to feel alone.
That love doesn't have to lead into that hole of depression.

Urge

I have the urge to run away,
To run as fast as I can.
To get rid of the pain that flows inside,
And breathe in the freshness of the air.

I have the urge to climb the tallest tree,
To feel the bark against my hand.
To have it crumple under my boots,
And sleep under the stars glistening above.

I have this urge, this drive, to just lay in bed with you.
To forget the faltered world around us.
To finally feel your touch on my face,
And search endlessly into your pale eyes.

I have this urge to cry,
To feel my nose and eyes burning from the tears.
To heave and shudder as I break,
And hope and trust that I can stop.

I have this urge to leave,
To feel free and start anew.
To have a tabula rasa and a new attitude,
And to feel the gentle touch of your caressing touch at last.

Let Go

It's time to let go.
Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill, and the emotions will gather.
Those chemicals bubble inside your head,
Release them as whatever they are.

Let happiness spread the warmth;
Let sadness cool it;
Let anger boil over;
Let envy show its ugly green head;
Let silliness make your brain numb with your laughter;
Let confusion make you dizzy.

Most of all, let the feeling of love burn.
Let it burn bright like fire,
Like a guiding light.
Don't let it burn you out with irrational flight.

Let the boulder roll.
Down,
Down,
Down the hill.
Let go and release what you will down.

Indecisive

To anyone reading this.

I know what it's like to make a bad decision.
One after another, thinking they were good.
When really it killed me mentally.
The what-ifs, the regrets, and aftermath.

I fear the fall;
I fear never stopping,
Just falling.

Then in comes you,
Warmth and kindness.
I feel it in your embrace.
I feel it radiate from you.
My fears disappear.
My anxiety gone.

I am not alone,
You're scared, but not alone in that.
Comfortable is comfortable,
I am scared of that.
I'm not use to kind words or the warmth you have.

The constant doubt,
It runs, runs, runs, runs . . .
It doesn't stop because the thoughts naturally hurt when I remember.
When I remember my rough patches,
Remember that pang of guilt, the pang of stress.
Never seeing the light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

There are reasons why there are songs out there, like:
"Try," "Unconditionally," and "Exceptional."
To help us see the best in everyone we come in contact with.

I know the doubt,
The fear, the insanity emotions give us.
The constant stream of thoughts and falling into the indecisiveness and panic.
Hope is strong against the fear,
And you are never alone.

A River Runs

A river runs,
Never freezes, never stops.
Bangs against rocks.
Rushes, whispering down, down, down.
Until it aligns with something bigger than itself.

Much like the brain,
They never stop, thoughts run along axons.
Nerves run through and along organs.
Speeds that break necks, around, around, around.
Neurons connecting in endless lines joining into somethings bigger than themselves.

A river is free, uncaring;
Ripping apart all it sees.
Yet we see it as peace when calm,
Hatred builds when it floods;
Something completely out of our control.

A brain is as logical as we make it.
Always learning, never stops learning.
At every turn, either peace of hatred,
It just goes.
Mad at thinking we have less control than a river.
When indeed we have more.

A river runs,
Much like a brain.
Never stops.
Whispering.
Aligning to something bigger than itself.

Fear of Fears

I don't fear the fear itself.
I fear the offshoot of the fear.

I fear heights,
But it's the fall when I slip.
Farther . . . farther . . . in the plunge.

I fear rejection,
But it's the feeling like I'm unloved.
Though I know it isn't true, but it's what I feel.

I fear losing people,
But it's because then I'll be alone.
I need people and friends to survive.

I fear failure,
But it's letting myself down and others.
The recovery nearly impossible.

Fears go deep and they will be there.
Yet hope finds a way to them.

Bottled Up

There is a tension building against my chest.
It makes it hard to breathe.
If that grip loosens, I feel that my lungs will collapse.

There is a massive weight on my shoulders.
The burden of the world is on me.
I carry it with no way to put it down.

There are chains around my heart.
The guardian from the hurt, and then keeping everything in.
The key to the lock, lay hidden away.

I have walls around my mind.
I'm scared to let anyone climb them.
I'm afraid of what they'll see.

Bottling up is hard.
Letting go is much harder.
There just needs to be a chance for me to be free.

S.A.D. (Winter's Worst)

The first snowfall,
It should be a happy moment,
For me it signals misery:
A five month spell of sadness.

I should be outside,
Building a snowman,
A snow angel,
If I'm lucky an ice sculpture.

Instead, I hide inside,
In my den like a fox,
Crying into a tear-stained pillow,
Overwhelmed with sadness and anger.

Uncontrollable with the lack of sunlight.
Solutions with no resolutions.
It's depression to the point where running and writing cannot touch it.
It slowly kills me; a dark pit hollowed in.

The cure for myself?
It is the feeling of waking up to Spring.
A warmth that grows and melts the Winter's worst.
A smile of pure joy spreads through me like hope.

Robin sweetly chirping a song of return,
Trees coming out of a slumber,
The sun's warmth,
The bright yellow of dandelions poking out of the ground.

A fire rekindled.
A light renewed.
A positivity to rejoice in for many months.
A song that now be sung.

Speechless

It's time to say something.
It's time to act.
It's time to spill my heart out.

Yet, I lost my words.
I'm a writer, but I lost the words.
There are words I want to tell you.
Speechless . . .

You've left me speechless.
Stammering words.
I'm at a loss.

Before you leave, I have to say . . .
Say something because you're leaving.
Something, I need my words.
My words, I need.

Three . . . I... .,
Two . . .  I... .,
One . . .I. . . .

You're out the door. . . .
I didn't even have the chance.
The chance that I had to say what my heart wants to say.
I miss you. . . .

There for You

For my friend, N.B.

Think of the Sun.
High at noon in the sky.
Warming and growing.
Giving light of yellow radiance.

Think of the Moon.
High up, too, always there.
Lighting up the sky in pale white.
Cooling the day's warmth.

Think of calming thoughts.
Think as I clear the tears from your eyes.
Cleansing the pain with calm warmth.
A warmth that can keep you safe.

Think of energy.
It can't be created nor destroyed.
Watch it create, though, and destroy.
Watch it bloom the meadow flowers in Spring.

Think of love.
The love you gain from our friendship.
The love of many others in your life.
The love is known to fairy tales.

Think of life.
The life of now.
The life you've built through years.
The life you have glows with every heartbeat.

Lastly, think of the seasons.
Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter.
Always changing, ever so.
Just like you are, always.

My friend,
Build and create.
Move along and live.
Remember: live and love.

The Smile

For J.J.

It sparkles like pearls.
It is only for me to notice.
A smile that melts the ice;
The ice protecting my heart.

Only at me, it shows.
Only at me, I see.
Coming and going, I see it shows.

The warmth emanating from you alone,
Tingles.
The smile you show up with,
Intensifies the warmth.

I feel lucky.
Lucky that you are there.
Lucky that you pass by.
Lucky to be graced by that charming smile.

Bitter Ending

For Z.J.H.

Dilemma after dilemma.
Time upon time.
Miss after miss.
Water upon the earth.

Thinking about it all hurts me.
The things we did,
The things we said,
The things we left unmentioned.

I saw the best of you.
I saw the worst.
The light in your eyes shut off.
I lost you.

No amount of love could revive you.
You were dead inside.
Broken by a broken home.
A monster that was created by those who gave you life.

A bitter end for us.
Though I think of you every so often,
I cannot love what you have become:
You are a shadow of your former self.

Yours Truly, Sincerely

I take a wistful peek out of the window.
Loneliness captivates my heart.
I take a trip to space and think,
'Why are you not here?'

I lay in bed to wonder.
Just as soon as that feeling of alone goes, it retakes residence.
Staring at the empty spot in bed pains me.
I cry and sleep.

I awake in the morning.
It hits again because the spot is still bare.
I search inside, my resident is still there.
Silently, I accept this fate.

Yours truly, sincerely.

Limited Sky

I stare upward as I lay on cold ground.
The clouds,
The Sun,
The Moon.
The hidden stars years away in the daylight.
So much there is to see.

I wonder if you see what I see,
Under the limited sky.

Alas, alone am I.
You're not there to watch with me.
The magic between what separates,
That which separates us from falling. . . .

Falling into a limited sky.