Strong Too Long

You don't know my pain.
You don't look at me like you used to.
Like I'm some terrible monster.
I'm nothing to fear.

I've been strong for too long,
I just want to curl up and scream.
Scream in an abyss in anger and sadness.
Until my voice is hoarse, and I can't no longer.

I want to hear you call for me.
Reach out to me.
Be there to hold me.
And just let me bawl my pretty blue eyes out.

I don't want you to sympathize,
I want you to empathize.
My heart is torn, and I don't feel grounded.
I'm alone, and it tortures me because you feel like home.

I'm coming to the point where my inner strength is weakening.
I'm juggling so much in my head.
I'm stuck in my head, and you draw me out.
I'm about to cry because you grew cold.

You tell me to not over-think everything,
But you don't understand that I can't stop doing so.
You leave me with so little to understand.
Your silence speaks too much.

Just let me scream and cry alone.
I'll make it through alone.
I won't be devastated, just heartbroken.
Heartbroken utterly because I care.

Longing for the Woods, Dreaming of the Sea

No one knows the pain I feel.
The painful loneliness that envelops me like a dark cloud of doubt.
I try to find solace somewhere I can be me.
Somewhere I can cry and let the feelings go.
The woods... my tree... my loneliness can disappear.

This is where my dark side and light side can meet in peace.
This is where I'm at my happiest.
I feel no judgment from the trees around me.
No judgment from the fauna, or the running stream.

To the highest branch I can climb and listen...
Listen to my heart beat as it connects to nature's.
Listen to my thoughts as I watch the magpies make their graceful flight.
Here I can smile truly, cry with no one to listen, and get angry with the nothingness.
Here things make sense to me and I can sleep peacefully on the mossy tree with a cool breeze of winter against my skin.

My heart longs not just for the woods, but by the salty sea.
Sand on my feet, sun on my face, listening to the tide.
A sea to match my irises, another place to sit and listen.
A breeze to break the sun's heat and to blow my curly locks.

The sea calls my name to swim in its depths.
The heart of the ocean beats steady as mine slows down.
Watching as the set while in the water reflects in my eyes.
I have no fear diving down again and holding my breath.
Then coming out refreshed, hair wet, body shimmering in the setting sun.
Finally laying down on the lukewarm sand and fall asleep.

It's just like a dream to end and back in the woods I am.
I look to the starry sky for the answers.
A gentle snow begins and I feel alive!
I never want to leave this place.
I can smile, cry, and get angry.
I don't feel so alone out here in the woods...
No, not at all...
I feel whole again after the pieces of me glue back together.

I am... alive and free.

How I Know You

To the men that lift my life up

This is how I know you,
In my heart that you make warm,
In my arms, you'll lie safe.
A place to rest your head,
While I sing you sweetly to sleep.
Nothing can beat this feeling I have.

You fill me with joy,
And I can be sure that I belong to you.
I cry when the days are hard,
And you somehow make it better.

I want that embrace and a sweet kiss on the lips.
You influence me to be a better man.
I like how you make me feel,
It makes me feel wanted and loved.

This is how I know you,
Comfort on both my good and bad days,
A person I can trust with my heart as it is fragile,
And giving me confidence in myself as a man.

Old Becomes New: The Poems Will Continue

It's been a year since I started this poetry blog. The poetry will never stop, if I become inspired I will post a new poem. I'm glad you all enjoyed this blog and I look forward to writing more poetry. This is the best thing that I could do for myself creatively.

This has been a beautiful year. I've had my share of heartbreaks, crushes, love, friendships, realizations, change, hatred, and fun. I hope that there is more out there for me to see, to broaden my horizons. Hopefully, I will get that chance.

A Year

A year has flown by,
Just like they have before.
So much to do,
So little time.

Though I still have the crushes of the past.
I'll still have those to look toward to in the future.
We lost a friend along the way.
But somehow we made room for new friends.

Heartbreaks that were inevitable.
Love was found along the way.
People out to destroy that love,
And gaining a new sense of strength.

I shared my story of high school,
I shared my childhood memories.
I shared my love and hatred for a state.
And I shared my journey.

I look at the year I have lived.
I know that somehow, someday that everything will be alright.
Somehow...
Someday...

Maybe I'll Find Peace and find my Dandelion.
Maybe the One-Armed Tattooed Man will talk to me more.
Maybe I'll have my Moment's Reprieve on a Sleigh of Roses.
Maybe my Struggles will help inspire others.
Maybe... just maybe people will see the Light in the Same Lens.

A year in reflection.
A year of adding to my strength.
A year to find what most my age can never touch.
A year... to remember.

Dandelion

"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again." -Katniss Everdeen, Mockingjay

Dandelions...
A sign that spring is upon us.
A sign that the Earth has begun anew.
A sign that another seasonal cycle will begin.

Summer, the smoldering heat.
Dry grass on the lawn.
Fire ravaging landscapes.
The fire inside my soul grows.
A fire that I have made my own.
I don't need someone with that flame.

Fall, the crisp wind.
The fresh air calms my inferno.
The weather made for light jackets.
Soft hoods to cover our ears.
The trees and flowers start their slumber.
I don't need someone to cool my fire that much.

Winter,  the snowy grounds.
A bitterly cold wind burns my ears.
My flame as cooled down to a mere candle flicker.
I spend my days waiting...
Longing for the tastes of spring.
The deadened trees deeply sadden me.
I don't need someone that slowly threatens to put my fire out.

Spring, the pure renewal of the Earth.
The green is replenished.
My fire is starting to do the same.
I start noticing the robins chirping,
And the yellow spots on the ground.
The spots that give someone like me hope.
Hope that there is someone out there to rest by my fire.
That my life is meaningful to myself and others.
That my losses aren't that bad.
That I can start over and be...
Happy.

Dandelions...
They aren't just a flower.
To let us know spring is among us...
It is a beacon of hope that means things will be alright.
The hope that stays alive inside me.
As a fire.

I need my own dandelion in the spring...

Finding Peace

Peace...
Hope...
That's what I find in the wilderness.
My sanctuary in the trees.

The calmness of the running stream.
The stillness in the grove.
I find my solace here.

The trees stand still with time.
Ever growing in the rain and sunshine.
My friends that I can climb.
Deep into the canopy is where I'd like to be.

Sitting on the thickest branch I can reach.
I wonder and fall asleep to the whisper of the stream.
The chirping of the magpies and other birds is the last thing I hear.

Here I feel safe.
Here I can be me.
Here I don't have to answer to anyone.
Here I am free...

I have always loved the Earth.
Growing and fertile.
It reminds me there is something about this world that I love.

Peace and hope...
That's my reason for living.
Safe and free...
That is what is meant for me to be.

Out of my Mind

For Z.J.H., you will always be my friend.


I think of you often.
Too often, I think.
The kiss that connected us on the dock.
Through the storm, you held my hand.
You treated me kindly.

We had a deep connection,
More in-depth than the ocean's abyss.
Our parents never wanted us to be happy.
We found that comfort together.
I thought you were going to be forever.

I regret not seeing you.
I regret not speaking to you.
I still smell you when you're not around.
I feel that warm embrace.
You showed me love, I cannot repay.
You challenged me.

When I asked you that question...
'Will things be different this time?'
And no reply came...
I felt struck down.
I loved you.
My heart was yours.
I would've done anything to see you happy.

But the best thing you did for me...
Was leave words unspoken...
Unspoken, but heard.
Heard, but never forgotten.
I never will forget you.
I hope to see you again,
Healthy and parent-free.

We are connected by a kiss on the dock.
Through a storm in June.
Never will I forget that.

Struggle #5 (Senior Year)

From the 12th grade me

When you think things could get better,
They don't...
 I was continually dodging,
Always hiding from people.

I felt worse and worse about myself,
The pattern to survive had already sunken in.
I had to do what I had to do to live.
Waiting to hear more slurs and scandals.

I felt I still had no one to lean on,
I felt frightened into a corner.
I wanted to scream,
I wanted to get out of my head.
I wanted to find someone who cared about me.
I wanted to feel sane with the madness.
I wanted to tear into some people who talked about me like I wasn't there.

The days I regularly ran,
And pretending the pavement was the faces of those who hurt me.
Running because I couldn't let them catch me.
Running because I didn't want to be this person,
I needed to not survive for one moment.

Survival was all I had...
It kept good people out.
And let me keep the bad people who said they'd be with me.

Survival daily.

Never Knowing

To the Creature inside of me: Go Away.


No one knows that within me is this creature.
This creature keeps me awake at night.
No way of stopping it.
No way of knowing what it actually is.

I feel it stirring.
Making a ruckus in my gut.
I don't know when he is leaving.
I would love for him to do so,
But he has already made his home.

I still have no relief in waking.
My body is in a constant battle with this thing.
My stomach is always growling,
But this monster is trying to make me forget again.
I don't want to go back to that again...

Still no relief in waking...
I don't like that I go through this day-to-day.
But I must, all because of an accident.
All because I thought I didn't have enough.

I've been trying to push him out.
He nearly has all the furniture out.
He'll get out of there if it is the last thing I do.

Missing Him

For Z.J.H.

I've known you for years.
I've liked you from the start.
You're charming, reliable, and handsome.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I still imagine your arms around my waist.
A tender kiss that falls on my shoulder.
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear.
A gentle touch.

Looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
I've had pleasant dreams about them.
It's like looking at wet sand where impressions are easy to make.

I miss that smile and laugh.
A smile that melts me.
A laugh that comforts me.

Your inner beauty is precious.
Like it is a hidden treasure of gold and diamonds.
Everybody sees it.
Everybody knows it.

Why seeing you stirs up these feelings in me, I don't know...
You're my friend and a friend for life.
When I'm around you, you make me feel special.

Alas, nothing can happen between us.
How I wish for you to like me...
You don't like men like I do.
I think that's why missing you hurts most of all...

Memories

Often repressed,
Often revised,
Often remembered,
Often snide.

Memories are lost,
Memories are static.
Memories aren't perfect.
Yet they manifest in our dreams.

They help us remember how to do things,
Like eat, drink, and drive.
They help us remember those we hold dear to us,
Like dinners, movies, books, and people.

Ever staying some of them.
Like with people who suffer from post-traumatic stress.
Never forget and never let go.
Memories are scared no matter where you go.

Prima Facie (At First Sight)

For K.J.S.


When I first laid eyes on you,
I thought to myself, I hope I don't act stupid around him.
But it turned out to be a wonderful weekend.

We started spending more and more time together.
I felt happy and free.
I thought I can be myself with this man.
I had no fear, except for losing you.

I had feelings stirring inside my very stomach.
When I asked you to Gay Prom, but you said yes!
You cleared time for yourself to go, even though you scared me for a second.

That night of Prom, I knew you did it for me.
But at the cost of you becoming stressed.
I held you in arms, crying because I felt I did something wrong.
You wanted to go home, and so I did as you wished.

Every night I spent with you was in your arms.
We would talk until we slept.
You didn't know this, but when you would twitch, I'd hold on tighter because
I knew you were in for a rough night...
You would snooze the alarm just to have an extra five minutes with me in bed.

We would alternate cooking breakfast, which I know is your favorite.
Scrambled eggs and pancakes, and sometimes it was just cereal.
I'd watch you get ready for work, and you even asked me to help with your hair.
We'd kiss goodbye, and we both drove off happy because we knew we'd see
each other again.

I loved that when you looked at me, you looked into my eyes.
They happened to be your favorite color, blue.
And when I looked in your eyes, they smiled.
Which is my favorite feature of yours, your smile and laugh?

Waking up to a text from you made my world lighter like I could fly.
I knew it did the same to you.
And my roughest days, you cheered me up with a funny picture of yourself.
And my roughest nights, you told me you would always be there.

I thought I hadn't paid that much attention to what was going on.
I think about you all the time.
On my roughest nights, I want to call, but I feel I can't do it.
You've put up your walls...

I die on the inside more and more, but I fight through it.
I never knew that I'd be losing you...
I never thought that I'd lose the one man I truly wanted to be with.
The one man that could erase what others have done to me.

I just wish you could hold me...
I just wish you could kiss me...
I just wish to be yours...
I just wish you can see me as... me.

Nightmares

 “'It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,' he says. 'I'm okay once I realize you're here.'" -Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
Unspeakable things happen.
Loved ones die and leave you to suffer.
Bugs crawl up underneath the skin.

Like a post-traumatic event,
They leave a stamp in your mind that seems all too real.
Revisiting the terrors of your high school days.
Revisiting the little things that have happened in your life.

My mind is ravaged with these horrid dreams.
Too much for me to handle on most nights.
I wake up in cold sweats and tears in my eyes.
I wake up screaming so I can make it stop.

Lucid, as they are, I know some are absurd.
They are real in a way to our waking life.
Nothing seems to end them because no matter what, they come back.
Nightmares are all too real in our minds.

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
They make me lie awake all night for fear I'll have another.
It is the monster that won't leave.
It is something that I cannot stop.
They will keep coming for me...

Truth Is...

For K.J.S.


The truth is... I miss you...
I cry myself to sleep because I need you to hold me.
Your flesh connecting with mine.
Your embrace warms me and warms my heart.

The truth is... I hurt you...
I go crazy every day for saying those things to you out of fear.
Fear that you were going to be like the others before you.
I was wrong the entire time...

It's too late to tell you all this because...
You don't forgive me...
I don't blame you...
No one ever will...
I hurt you with words I cannot take back...
I hurt you with the very things you are not...

The truth is... I admire you...
You have a grand balancing act that is impossible for most.
You deserve the days you have off.
You deserve to be happy.

The truth is... I want you to be happy...
I want that for you because I didn't fulfill it.
I want you to go out there and do things for you.
I want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.

The truth is... you made me feel pretty...
You made me truly happy, something I never felt in a long time.
You were helping me be more open, and you thought I was beautiful.
But I showed you someone ugly and undeserving.

It's too late to tell you the truth... because...
I know you don't want to hear it...
Especially after seeing such a monster...
As much as I try to forgive myself...
I cannot do it without you to forgive me...

You were my light, but now... you're gone...
I'm lost without your guidance...
Lost... Lost... Lost...
My heart aches every night, calling for you...
I just want to pick up the phone and call your number...
Just to hear your voice...

I just want to look at the happy memories we made together...
The dance... the pictures... the gazebo... the tree...
Just you and me, together...
I should've asked you when I had the chance.
To have asked you to one last dance.
To make it last and for you to hold me tight as we twirled.

The truth is... you let me love you...
I never have felt lonely until now...
Just kiss me please, and that might be it for now...

The truth is... I'm in bed with tear stains on the pillow...
Calling for you... to come to hold me once more...

The Meadow

As time flows by without a prayer,
Everyone around me doesn't seem to care.
All that I care about is seeing you there.

In a meadow just you and me,
There is no sadness, only glee.
If only time would seize to be.

There are no dark clouds, only an endless blue sky,
A beautiful moment that makes us want to cry.
We both kiss each other without care.

Underneath this endless sky and in the meadow,
I'd like the whole world to know.
That we are forever together and nothing more.

Lost in the Forest

In the forest I found myself in,
Looking around in search for something...
Or someone...

Lost in mind and lost at heart.
I stopped and looked up to see an unless sight
the trees completely eclipsing the sky.

Feeling alone never felt so hurtful.
Still no one in sight.
I decided to stop and sleep.

I had a dream of you and only you.
Of how I'd find you at the end of the forest,
And how I'd love you even more.

I finally found the sunlight at the end.
And there you were...
Standing and holding me.

I never felt so loved in my life.

Light in the Same Lens

I see not through differences,
But in sameness.
We're all humans,
So what's the issue?

Do we not bleed red?
When we scrape our knee,
Get a paper cut, or shot?

Do we not breathe the same air?
The life that we are given by the sweet
Oxygen-filled air that fills our lungs.

Do our hearts not beat the same way?
With every pump of the heart we are given life.
With every pump we give love.

Sameness in this sense makes us human...
What makes us different is our choices in our environment.
Being human is making mistakes to learn from them.

What purpose is there to hurt each other with actions and words?
We all hurt the same way.
We all feel the need to belong.
All we want is to be loved all the same.

Don't Let Go

Truly for K.J.S.


Out on the streets
In the broad daylight
I want to hold your hand
And when I do...
Please don't let go...
Because you are keeping me from falling apart.

When you leave to go somewhere
Whether it be near or far
I want you to hug me
Embrace me in your warmth...
Please don't let go...
Because I need to feel that you are real.

In the bedroom
On a cold night with the moonlight
illuminating your face.
I want you to hold me tight...
When you do...
Baby, please don't let go...
Because you might be all, I have.

When the morning sun greets us
Through the window
I want us to sleep longer
When we do just that...
Please, baby, don't let go...
Because that's the way, it's supposed to be.

Sleepless Night

I lay my head against the pillow.
Eyes searching through the darkness.
The cold, darkness that surrounds me
as I bring the comforter up to my neck.

The cold is choking me and causes me to as I lay awake.
Knowing of the unknown petrifies me.
No soft golden glow of the Sun until the morning.
There is a need for a halcyon night.

My eyes are open to the surroundings.
I cannot close them because something might be coming.
I must be able to fend off an attacker.
I need to protect my body from the harm that may never come.

As silly as it seems, nothing will ever come.
I shut my eyes after a few more minutes
watching the bedroom door.
Knowing that morning is close at hand.
Knowing that soon I can rest and be amongst the living.

I can only sleep restfully when you're right here with me.

Me

I'm only human...
It's as simple as that.
I make several, if not millions of mistakes every day.
I have my days where I'm cheerful.
Others are abysmal like I'll never see the sun again.

I'm insane, but not the kind I would get locked up for.
I'm honest and will tell you how it is.
I'm a lover and a fighter.
I'm healthy and loyal to my last breath.

My crystal blue eyes of the vast oceans see past the bad
in people because deep inside is a good person.
My mouth has spoken words I wish I could take back.
My ears have heard obscenities and nonsense I wish
to never hear again.

If you dare to tread on me, get ready for the Irishman temper.
If you dare to be my friend, get witty and sarcastic.

I'm only human...
But as an individual, there is only one me.

Keys

Keys can be a symbol of luck.
Sometimes seen has the object of opening doors
to the future.
Sometimes they open the treasure troves in our lover's heart.
Sometimes even your own...

I wear one around my neck.
I feel it guards the inner spirit within me...
It protects me from harm and is never in the way.
If I take it off, I feel naked and not as safe as I want to be.

The key to my heart and winning me over,
now that is a complex story.
Yet it is simply divine in what one can do for me.
Will I tell?
What fun would that be if I just spill it out?
It's not a game even if it seems that way.

But here is a clever hint, if you need one:
A simple stimulation... of the intellectual kind.
No moving the mountains or flying to the moon to take it down
from the Heavens.

Remember this simple object and the symbolism it holds.
A key for luck and opening the doors for a better life.

Color

Turn that grey into color.
Turn that frown into a smile.
Turn that hate into love.

No shades of grey should spill on the lush bed of green grass.
No shades of grey should pour from the brilliant blue sky.
No shades of grey should touch the yellow of the sunshine.

Why must we live in a world of grey?
The grey that threatens the uniqueness of the people.
It's sad to see that blood doesn't come out red because
of their polarized thoughts.

I want to be able to sit with a man and watch the sunset
of oranges and pinks until the violet darkness engulfs us
with a sweet kiss on our lips.
The greys are threatening to take that dream away.

Live your life in color.
Take a chance to look at the roses of red.
The sunsets of orange.
The sun of yellow.
The trees of green.
The skies of blue.
The darkness of violet.

Turn that grey into color.
Turn that frown into a smile.
And turn that hate into love.

They Were There

For my parents: J.W.M. & W.J.M.

They argued over my name when I was born.
They both watched me grow up from a hellion to a man.
They made me who I am today.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back,
And thank them for the great job they did.

They were there when I rode my first bike
down that old rocky road.
They were there for me when my friends were
downright mean.
They're going to be here until they're angels in the ground.
They were there...

They watched me go through high school
and all the troubles I went through.
They shoved me off to college and kept on living on.
Telling me, "We're proud of you, son!"

They were there for every heartbreak I had.
They were there to dry the tears I cried.
They're going to be here until they're angels in the ground.
They were there...

I love them both more than they know.
I'm blessed to call them family.

They were there on a sunshiny day until the moon came out.
They were there when I thought nothing would come from anything.
They're going to be here until they're angels in the ground.
There were there...

Ravaged

To the monster inside of me

My body feels ravaged.
Thinking of food never crossed my mind.
I was too busy taking care of the million things.
I had to do before thinking about eating.
No-one stopped me, no one...

I started going to bed hungry.
I thought I wouldn't be alive the next morning.
I had enough to get myself the things I needed,
but I felt I never had enough money to buy essentials.

I couldn't stop, my mind racing, my heart beating faster.
I felt like running, running from nothing but the air.
The fire of my heart slowly dying, fading...
The man with the heart of fire losing the battle in his mind.

Is this real... or not?
I couldn't wrap my mind around everything.
Why did this happen to me?
I didn't want to be thinner or anything.
I wanted to be me...
The me I knew a while back...
The me that knew he could fight the impossible.

He is there inside of me, and he is going to beat this monster.
The monster that beat me down...
Telling me I can't fight, telling me I won't win...

I will fight because my life is worth living.
Hungry no more says the new me...
Hungry no more!
Hungry no more...

I'm free from my cage that monster put me in.
I'm free to sing a beautiful song that makes people go silent.
Listen to the tune of freedom...
Listen...
Just listen to the song of strength I sing...
And you, too, can be free like me.

Struggle #4 (Junior Year)

From the 11th grade me

The teasing never ceased...
I still couldn't trust anyone.
I started building a harder shell.
I started to close myself to everyone.

I felt I was going to come apart.
I started Cross Country to get rid of the anger.
It barely helped, but it was the only thing I could do.

No one knew how hurt I was.
I suffered in the background.
No one understood me, not even myself.

After one meet I ran an opponent called me a faggot
for beating him in the race.
The officials never caught it to disqualify him.
I cried after that happened and the assistant coach
came over and hugged me.
Even though she thought it was about the race, it was still comforting.

The rest of the year, I still couldn't go down
the hall without hearing slurs of hatred.
I just kept chugging along because I dreamt of a life
outside of that Hell's four walls.
I escaped yet another year.

Going Home

Never feeling so alive.
Hometown still the same.
Family doing fine.

My heart feels it never left.
Yet it doesn't belong there anymore.
No one in dire need to want me back
in that town.

The house I grew up in is not my home.
Even though my last name is still on the mailbox.
I die more on the inside
Near tears, which could've flooded the Nile.

Nothing would have stopped me after that trip to stay.
I know I couldn't...
I have people who depend on me in my new home.
Friends...
Roommates...
Someone who cares about me...

Truth is...
I couldn't go back to my hometown again,
because my heart just isn't there anymore.

The Man with the Heart of Fire

 For those that doubt me

My body is shaking...
Tired of the games that people put me in.
Wasting their time...
They are only building up my resilience piece by piece.

My body just shakes more...
Shaking from the exhaustion, I am put through.
Waiting for the last strike...
Waiting for the death of my spirit, that seems inevitable...
And waiting for a reprieve to spare my spirit...
Ever so vigilant, ever so ready to make my counterstrike.

I'm set ablaze and walk out of the flames.
Unscathed like the fire burning inside my heart.
I'm stronger than the icy touch of those who trespass upon my path.
I melt the icy hearts that most people carry.
I am the lion, I am the phoenix, I am RESILIENT!!

My courage comes out of my fear of taking a stand.
My courage is in my own strength and selflessness.
My warm-blooded heart is what cures the sad and lonely.
The warmth from my kindness heals and attacks like venom when needed.

When I return to my den... I return victorious.
Victorious and fearful of retaliation.
The games I was put in made me increasingly vigilant.
Vigilant...
Vulnerable...
Grateful to be alive and unscathed...
I stepped out of the fire...
The fire in my heart is ever-growing and helps my body keep going.

My body shakes...
From never knowing what is around the next corner.
My heart wondering how much more it can take...
Before the fire is put out...

Run Through the Rain

Rolling down the freeway going home from college
I never thought I'd be taking a trip to the hospital.
My daddy came to get me and brought me to the junkyard
where the sheriff told me I had rolled my S10 six times.

It was long drive home and I finally got to see my mama.
She held me tight as I started to cry.
And for the first time in a long while I felt alive.

Along this long, twisting road we call life
There will be heartbreaks, side aches, and mountains to climb.
We all go through the same old storm that only farmers could pray for.
There is no mistaking that we all have to run through the rain.

There's a woman down the street whose dreams got shot down.
She had two kids and a husband who was out of control.
She tries to run away, but can't seem to get out.
She ain't fooling anyone when she's been drinking
that whiskey down all day.

But problems don't just go away, you just got to live
with the road you chose.

Along this long, twisting road we call life,
There will be punches thrown, dreams knocked down, and rent to pay.
We all go through the same old storm that only farmers could pray for.
There's no mistaking that we all have to run through the rain.

No matter where life might take us.
We're all every bit the same.
And God let's us know that everyday we live.

Along this long, twisting road we call life,
There will be our family, friends, and Heaven above.
We all go through the same old storm that only farmers could pray for.
There's no mistaking that we all have to run through the rain.

Just rain through the rain.

Life

There is no cure for how we feel.
Yet some folks think the only out
is by looking down a loaded gun
With the whispers of those who'd done wrong to them.

Some don't realize their lives meant more
Than they thought it did.

Life is what you make it out to be.
Live it as you please and let no one take control.
Because all you need is an old guitar,
Some good friends,
And a fifth of Jack.
Yeah, that's life.

It just gets better as we go along.
It's never too late to go back to the good times you had.
Because they're still left inside of us.
It takes the greatest courage to dig down deep to move on.

Life is what you make it out to be.
Live it as you please and let no one take control.
Because all you need is an old guitar,
A good love,
And a fifth of Jack.
Yeah, that's life...

One day we'll find that hope
And easier ways to cope.
One day soon we'll all live freely
And be who we ought to be

Life is what you make it out to be.
Live it as you please and let no one take control.
Because all you need is an old guitar,
Some good friend,
A good love,
And a fifth of Jack.
Yeah, that's life....

That's life...

Time Will Pass

For Gramma Myers

There's always a reason why she held her head high.
Watching the time fly by and watching her kids grow up fast.

Soon after she adopted my mother,
tragedy hit them, and grandpa got cancer and dies soon after.
They all were in awe as their hearts broke in two.

This is why she's so strong and brave.
She never rants or raves.
Praying to God for nothing more to happen.
She always said, 'The time will pass on by.'

Thirty-two years passed without another heartbreak.
But five year back on Halloween her house burnt down
in a flash.
Her heart broke as she watched all those memories
being burnt away.
No one is sure how she's persevered through it all.

This is why she's so strong and brave.
She never rants and raves.
Praying to God for nothing more to happen.
She always said, 'The time will pass on by.'

She has changed lives.
She has given love to everyone.
She has done so much to be reliable.

She's strong and brave.
She'd never ranted or raved.
Always praying to God for nothing more to happen.
Always saying, 'The time will pass on by.'

The time will pass... on by.

Idaho: My Oasis

There's nothing like sitting in a tree
an a cold spring day.
Nothing like the cold mountain air on your skin.
The stream calmly rolling by.
Not a care in the world.

Aside from the blatant bigotry,
Idaho is a beautiful place.
Pine trees everywhere,
and they are like a soft blanket of green.
Moss softly covering them from trunk to canopy.

Birds chirping a sweet song of spring.
Living a purely happy life.

I wish I could just run away into the dense woods.
Nothing, but the birds, the trees, the cold,
and surviving on my own.
Away from life...
Away from the civilization...
Away from everything...

I need to climb a tree and sleep.
Sleep on the cushions of moss.
Listening to a calming stream and a
sweet song of the jays.

We Haven't Talked in Awhile

For Z.J.H.


The very person that made my heart soar higher,
The very person who knows my soul,
The very person who can look me in the eye and
tell me how he really feels.
We haven't talked in a while.

It feels like forever,
Even if it's been a couple months.
I often look to the stars to think that
you, too, are looking at them with me.

I loved you when I was with someone else.
I couldn't help it...
You have my heart beating inside of yours.
In truth, I must venture a guess that I never loved him.

I would see your picture every night I talked to him.
I had abandoned you,
I had hurt you in some way.
I needed your forgiveness.
I needed to see your face.
I needed to see your dazzling smile...

I still hold onto memories of us that night.
Our first of many kisses strung together in the rain.
You're the light that keeps me going from day-to-day.
It turned off, and I lost my way.
Lost in the forest of confusion.
A confusion that was caused by the move of my folks.

Nothing stops me from weaving these words together.
I will spill my heart out, and the world will know.
I need to see that you are loved.
I need to see the light in your brown eyes.
I need to feel your red hair through my fingers.

I want your heart to soar with mine.
I want your love to surround me like your embrace.
I want you to notice that I need you to love me back.

Long and Forgotten

I'm in my room once again,
Feeling all alone.
Listening to the whispers through the walls.
Hearing, 'Who needs him?'

I'm tired of you covering all your lies,
And I'm not afraid to say.

Why can't you see that I'm broken and crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long,
But I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

You were my friend girl,
And I don't know what happened to you.
You went and turned around,
Then you turned me into a fool.

There is no use in apologizing to you,
Because I'm not the one that left you in the dust.

Why can't you see that I'm broken and crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long.
But I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

I am not going to be played like a fool anymore.
I am not going to turn my heart cold.
I am not going to fall for those lies no more.

Why can't anyone see that I'm crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long.
I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

Sitting in my room once again.
Feeling long and forgotten.

Adonis: A Complex

I stand in front of the mirror...
All I see is that my body isn't good enough.
I'm not muscular...
I lift, and I lift, but I see nothing.
Nothing is achieved, and no next goal...

Is there something wrong? My diet, maybe?
Do I need to do more? Eat more?
Am I too skinny? Do I look fat?
Why do I question myself?
Why do I have this constant need to improve?

I'm looking at all these other guys who
have what I want...
A body to be proud of...
Muscle, masculinity, sweat dripping down their faces.
I want that so badly, but I feel my body can never reach
that potential.

I'm ashamed of my body...
I'm ashamed at myself for feeling this way...
I'm ashamed of not being perfect...
I'm ashamed of my thoughts...

I want to be beautiful, strong, and stop some hearts...
I want to view the world like it sees me...
I need to be freed from the complex of Adonis...

Struggle #3 (Sophomore Year)

From my 10th grade self

Too many words to describe the year...
It comes down to a phrase and a word...
Heart attack and faggot...

My grandmother, bless her soul, had endured
a massive heart attack under my family's watch.
She became more a goblin than a grandma.
She almost drove my folks to divorce.
My writing became darker than noir.
My home was nearly broken until we found
her a final resting place in New York...

While all this was happening, I was, to say the least,
scrutinized at every turn of the corner.
I'd hear "faggot" every day, and it grinds
my gears while facing the grindstone of school.

The gym was worse...
I'd get caught checking out a fellow classmate
because of his muscled body and during class
receiving the backlash... "FAGGOT!"
A farmer boy the size of a gnome with his gang
called me everything under the rainbow...

There were times I sat in my room at home...
crying because I was too strong and enduring
a punishment I never deserved.

Why couldn't this year end sooner?
Why should I be hared for being gay?
I wish I had someone to understand me...

Too many words...

Thought Suppression

Do not think about a White bear.
What comes into your mind?
A White elephant?
A White rose?
Or perhaps the White snow?

Maybe a Black bear?
Or even a Grizzly?

There is something to be said by
why you try not to think of a White bear.
The answer is simple, but do not be alarmed!
It's all in the mind and even the best of the best
get tricked like this.

Do not fear feeling silly for suppressing
your thoughts of a White bear!
As you remember I did quite the same!
Think as you wish and let the mind
wander into the deep fathoms of your mind!!!

This is just a simple test,
Just remember...
                         Do not
                                     think
                                             of a
                                                    White
                                                             bear.........

When I See Us as Equal

What I mean when I see us as equal is
finally being together without fear.
The fear of rejection from a job
you wanted.
The fear of being evicted and not having
that warm welcome at all.
The fear that you'll be assaulted and
can't do anything about it.

Fear dissipates, but only with time.
Fear will become a past problem
for us because we will show it
by our power in numbers.

Numbers that increase everyday
with every rising sun there is a boy
or girl coming out to show the world they're
not afraid anymore.

Fearless in every thought is what equal
is as we see it.

My Shelter

Spontaneity, charm, and a smile that melts
my heart.
There's this thing about him.
Something that I see in those hazel eyes.
A beautiful soul that shines like the Sun.

How his arms held tight to me in bed.
The way he reminds me that I am beautiful
He's got this thing about him that
helps me the man I want to be for him.
Bringing out the best in me like uncovering
treasure in the farthest depths of the sea.

When he lays on my chest, I feel like
he is one with me.
He hears my heartbeat and knows its
his.
I'm always at peace with him.

Everything about him makes me
view the world through a different lens.
Everything about him makes me want to be
with him.
He makes me fall harder

                                      and harder

                                                        in love.

Coming Apart

It slips through my fingers like sand
in a hourglass.
Like tears falling slowly down my
face.
I'm coming apart while trying to stay
strong.

I'm coming undone like a drag queen's
corset after a long night.
Coming undone like a spool of thread.
The tears are still rolling down my
face.
Tears I shed for the loss of security.
Tears of an illusion that's ruined by
reality's bitch slap.

There is no time for more tears.
No time... yet there is always time.
I will raise from my own ashes
like the phoenix I know I am.

Still I sit here falling apart.
Days flying by...
Needing the illusion to let me sleep at
night.

Heart of Stone

 For R.H.

There's something about you that makes me wonder.
How do you live without feeling anything?
It's like someone replaced your warm
and loving heart with one of icy, hard stone.

It's like Medusa ripped open your chest
and stared at your ever beating heart.
You feel cold to the touch and I'm
afraid to speak for fear of you cold commentary.

Your stone heart makes you cold and
calculating.
Leaving frigid lashes on people's skin
just to bring them down.
I wonder, what made life so unfair to
you to be against the world?

I know that heart of stone is breakable,
but not with tools we all use to help you.
One day, someone will crack and chip
away at it until they feel the warmth
we know that's inside.

Struggle #2 (Freshman Year)

From my 9th grade self

Ninth grade was another new start, but
only slightly.
The torment began within two weeks of
starting.
I've had many bullies before this, but
this one was different.

He was taller and more robust than I was.
Every morning I would pass by him, avoiding
the gaze of his piercing eyes.
He'd walk up to me punched me in the arm
and yelled in my face calling me a "faggot."

It wasn't in my nature to trust others with
what was going on.
So I let him run right over me.

Months and months passed, and it
kept happening.
Avoiding him only made it worse when he did see me.
Never told a soul about the bruises on
my arms from the punching.

One day in art class, I finally broke down,
and a friend asked: "what is wrong?"
I wanted to lie, but I told her I was being
bullied.
She was astonished, and I cried on her
shoulder.

Things never got better, and I didn't feel
I could be myself if it meant being called names.
I had to hide... once again, I would live
to fight this never-ending war.

Moment's Reprieve

Just a moment to myself where I can
think about the day.
Just one moment...
Just a chance to take down my walls
in the fortress of my mind.

It is a serene way of letting go of those
who trespassed on you.
It is a way to make you feel whole again.
To be yourself without consequences.
No battles or wars to fight.
Nothing in the world can attack you.

You have no fears at this moment,
No worries, no hatred, no pain.
There isn't a thing you can't do in that
moment.

Once you snap out of this moment,
up goes the castle walls and your poker face.
Strength is all you have to keep the tears in
your eyes.
You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are
always going to be you.

You have the power to write your own
book of life.
You have the power to do anything your
heart desires.

A moment's reprieve is all you need...

Green House

My shelter since my childhood slipping
away from my grasp.
A house of lime green that grew on me.
So much happened in that house over
eleven years and those memories never faded
like the color.

The sickly, green house is the most unique,
surrounded by homes of white and beige.
Feeling special and proud to be painted green,
never did it want a different color.
Alas, it may not have its uniqueness anymore
after its new owners move in.

It seems as if it was yesterday we moved in,
and now it sits there waiting patiently for its new owners.
It waits for an apology from my father for making it wait for
a long while.
It waits for an apology for the agony it feels for being left behind.
It feels the abandonment I will feel
once its inhabitants move out.

The last farewell to a beautiful home.
To precious memories that will only fade.
And to life lead in that sleepy little town.

Struggle #1 (The Battle Begins)

From the 8th grade me

Finally, a fresh start in a new school,
I was nervous starting middle school,
just from what I heard from other kids.

Seventh grade was a terrible mystery and
eighth grade was a far-off dream.
Going from class to class, days on end,
it always felt like an eternity.

Gym class was required both years I was at that school.
It was the first time I ever saw another guy's body.
I felt the chemicals in my brain firing off at once.
The way it looked, the smell that filled the locker room
how beautiful the face of my classmates.

I didn't understand it, I thought I was going crazy.
Was I... attracted to men?
Nah, I thought, it is just a phase I'll grow out of.
My battle with my brain had started
and so, began the biggest struggle of my life...

A prolonged battle I was unprepared to fight...
But I would do it alone...