For R.H.
There's something about you that makes me wonder.
How do you live without feeling anything?
It's like someone replaced your warm
and loving heart with one of icy, hard stone.
It's like Medusa ripped open your chest
and stared at your ever beating heart.
You feel cold to the touch and I'm
afraid to speak for fear of you cold commentary.
Your stone heart makes you cold and
calculating.
Leaving frigid lashes on people's skin
just to bring them down.
I wonder, what made life so unfair to
you to be against the world?
I know that heart of stone is breakable,
but not with tools we all use to help you.
One day, someone will crack and chip
away at it until they feel the warmth
we know that's inside.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Struggle #2 (Freshman Year)
From my 9th grade self
Ninth grade was another new start, but
only slightly.
The torment began within two weeks of
starting.
I've had many bullies before this, but
this one was different.
He was taller and more robust than I was.
Every morning I would pass by him, avoiding
the gaze of his piercing eyes.
He'd walk up to me punched me in the arm
and yelled in my face calling me a "faggot."
It wasn't in my nature to trust others with
what was going on.
So I let him run right over me.
Months and months passed, and it
kept happening.
Avoiding him only made it worse when he did see me.
Never told a soul about the bruises on
my arms from the punching.
One day in art class, I finally broke down,
and a friend asked: "what is wrong?"
I wanted to lie, but I told her I was being
bullied.
She was astonished, and I cried on her
shoulder.
Things never got better, and I didn't feel
I could be myself if it meant being called names.
I had to hide... once again, I would live
to fight this never-ending war.
Ninth grade was another new start, but
only slightly.
The torment began within two weeks of
starting.
I've had many bullies before this, but
this one was different.
He was taller and more robust than I was.
Every morning I would pass by him, avoiding
the gaze of his piercing eyes.
He'd walk up to me punched me in the arm
and yelled in my face calling me a "faggot."
It wasn't in my nature to trust others with
what was going on.
So I let him run right over me.
Months and months passed, and it
kept happening.
Avoiding him only made it worse when he did see me.
Never told a soul about the bruises on
my arms from the punching.
One day in art class, I finally broke down,
and a friend asked: "what is wrong?"
I wanted to lie, but I told her I was being
bullied.
She was astonished, and I cried on her
shoulder.
Things never got better, and I didn't feel
I could be myself if it meant being called names.
I had to hide... once again, I would live
to fight this never-ending war.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Moment's Reprieve
Just a moment to myself where I can
think about the day.
Just one moment...
Just a chance to take down my walls
in the fortress of my mind.
It is a serene way of letting go of those
who trespassed on you.
It is a way to make you feel whole again.
To be yourself without consequences.
No battles or wars to fight.
Nothing in the world can attack you.
You have no fears at this moment,
No worries, no hatred, no pain.
There isn't a thing you can't do in that
moment.
Once you snap out of this moment,
up goes the castle walls and your poker face.
Strength is all you have to keep the tears in
your eyes.
You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are
always going to be you.
You have the power to write your own
book of life.
You have the power to do anything your
heart desires.
A moment's reprieve is all you need...
think about the day.
Just one moment...
Just a chance to take down my walls
in the fortress of my mind.
It is a serene way of letting go of those
who trespassed on you.
It is a way to make you feel whole again.
To be yourself without consequences.
No battles or wars to fight.
Nothing in the world can attack you.
You have no fears at this moment,
No worries, no hatred, no pain.
There isn't a thing you can't do in that
moment.
Once you snap out of this moment,
up goes the castle walls and your poker face.
Strength is all you have to keep the tears in
your eyes.
You are beautiful, you are lovely, you are
always going to be you.
You have the power to write your own
book of life.
You have the power to do anything your
heart desires.
A moment's reprieve is all you need...
Monday, January 9, 2012
Green House
My shelter since my childhood slipping
away from my grasp.
A house of lime green that grew on me.
So much happened in that house over
eleven years and those memories never faded
like the color.
The sickly, green house is the most unique,
surrounded by homes of white and beige.
Feeling special and proud to be painted green,
never did it want a different color.
Alas, it may not have its uniqueness anymore
after its new owners move in.
It seems as if it was yesterday we moved in,
and now it sits there waiting patiently for its new owners.
It waits for an apology from my father for making it wait for
a long while.
It waits for an apology for the agony it feels for being left behind.
It feels the abandonment I will feel
once its inhabitants move out.
The last farewell to a beautiful home.
To precious memories that will only fade.
And to life lead in that sleepy little town.
away from my grasp.
A house of lime green that grew on me.
So much happened in that house over
eleven years and those memories never faded
like the color.
The sickly, green house is the most unique,
surrounded by homes of white and beige.
Feeling special and proud to be painted green,
never did it want a different color.
Alas, it may not have its uniqueness anymore
after its new owners move in.
It seems as if it was yesterday we moved in,
and now it sits there waiting patiently for its new owners.
It waits for an apology from my father for making it wait for
a long while.
It waits for an apology for the agony it feels for being left behind.
It feels the abandonment I will feel
once its inhabitants move out.
The last farewell to a beautiful home.
To precious memories that will only fade.
And to life lead in that sleepy little town.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Struggle #1 (The Battle Begins)
From the 8th grade me
Finally, a fresh start in a new school,
I was nervous starting middle school,
just from what I heard from other kids.
Seventh grade was a terrible mystery and
eighth grade was a far-off dream.
Going from class to class, days on end,
it always felt like an eternity.
Gym class was required both years I was at that school.
It was the first time I ever saw another guy's body.
I felt the chemicals in my brain firing off at once.
The way it looked, the smell that filled the locker room
how beautiful the face of my classmates.
I didn't understand it, I thought I was going crazy.
Was I... attracted to men?
Nah, I thought, it is just a phase I'll grow out of.
My battle with my brain had started
and so, began the biggest struggle of my life...
A prolonged battle I was unprepared to fight...
But I would do it alone...
Finally, a fresh start in a new school,
I was nervous starting middle school,
just from what I heard from other kids.
Seventh grade was a terrible mystery and
eighth grade was a far-off dream.
Going from class to class, days on end,
it always felt like an eternity.
Gym class was required both years I was at that school.
It was the first time I ever saw another guy's body.
I felt the chemicals in my brain firing off at once.
The way it looked, the smell that filled the locker room
how beautiful the face of my classmates.
I didn't understand it, I thought I was going crazy.
Was I... attracted to men?
Nah, I thought, it is just a phase I'll grow out of.
My battle with my brain had started
and so, began the biggest struggle of my life...
A prolonged battle I was unprepared to fight...
But I would do it alone...
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