I Made It Home

My heart on fire.
My lungs burn.
I've been running.
Running and running.
Thoughts race.

I made it home.
It isn't the home, I know.
It isn't your heart.
It isn't safe.
It isn't anything.

I don't have much for myself.
I can't have much for myself.
I won't have much for myself.
Selflessness is what prevents that for me.

I don't see you because you are gone.
A speck in the distance climbing over a mountain.
I don't know you anymore.
I don't know where you lay your head at night.
I don't see your boundaries.
I don't hear you amongst the noise.

I made it home.
But it isn't what I think I deserve.
You're somewhere else.
I will find your heart and take shelter in it again.

I'll keep running.
I'll keep trying.
I'll keep you safe.
Just don't let me collapse inward.
Help me untie my knotted ropes.
Help me climb the mountains.
Climbing toward where the Sun and Moon are seen together.
Toward a new beginning one day in time.

Wallflower

For my fellow Wallflowers

I feel invisible.
No one sees me.
No one sees ME...
I feel my words fall on deaf ears.
I feel I am not heard.
I feel I cannot speak.

I feel invisible.
I cannot choose a path.
My choices are both crowded.
I cannot see what is ahead.
I cannot see the predictable.
I feel unseen and got shoved aside.

I feel invisible.
My words shoved back into my mouth.
No one wants to heard the words I can speak.
Pushed into silence.
Reinforced to not speak my truth and trust.
Reinforced to feel trapped in my head with words.

I feel invisible.
No one sees ME....
Not even you and I feel no care.
No care where no cure is sought.
No words to heal my broken heart.
Hours pass with no help.

I feel invisible.
I notice everyone, but no one knows this.
Wallflower I am.
Wallflower I'll be.
I can see with artist eyes.
No guiding stars to speak of.

I feel invisible.
Until you see me.
Until...
You see ME!
For once I'm noticed, but still I do not know.
I cannot speak because my voice you won't hear...

Words

Words weave together like fabric.
Weaving to make something beautiful.
Beautiful like a river, transparent as glass.

Words can be hurtful.
Hurtful in the way that you can cut with daggers.
Daggers are thrown with intent in mind.

Words can heal wounds.
Heal the wounds that, in turn, cause.
In time, forgiveness comes.

Words...
Laughable to those that poorly use them.
Influential to those that can articulate.

Words weave into something special.
Words hurt like a bullet.
Words heal like a cast.

Words are forever.

Snow Kisses and Embraces

I watch the snowfall.
Graceful and beautiful.
Glistening like diamonds in the light.
Melting like your kisses on a dark, cold night.

I watch the flakes dance.
Dancing in the wind.
Dancing right into my hair.
They must have found a haven with me,
Like I with you.

 I watch the crystals land on the frozen ground.
Stuck and immovable.
Forming like a guarded fortress.
Like you took hold of,
But only for shelter.
And you held me with a warm embrace,
Hot breath on my skin.

Your graceful kiss...
Your homely safety...
Your warmth in your hugs...
Are what I see, not etched in cold stone,
But etched in snow.

The Desert Walk

I walk at sunrise.
I walk in the desert, days on end,
Barefoot and tattered clothes.
Trying to find you.

Nothing is lushly green,
Nothing but dried weeds and brown rock.
Mountains in the horizon,
Lustrous beauty before me.

High noon and I sweat.
Sun-soaked skin and sticky sweat.
I walk...
I walk keeping faith.
Keeping hope.

I can't see the end.
I can't see the hope I once had.
My body is starved from no food,
Dried from no water.

Twilight star came with sunset colors.
Heart aching, blistered like my skin through tatter clothes.
I find no end and I collapse.
It seems fate got to me...
Before I got to you.

Hear

 For Unrequited Love

I hear a sweet melody.
I feel the steady beat that I mistake for my own heart.
I hear the words,
But I realize it was you.
Singing in that low tone you have,
It isn't quite baritone, but still, I'm on cloud nine.

I listen to that beautiful voice of yours.
I can't understand why you don't use it more often.
I love the music you make.
You don't think I'm listening, hearing it.
I never thought I'd hear a song from you.

The song I hear you sing reminds me of a lush field.
Notes sung lay like grass and blow like a breeze.
I think of us in a plain, looking to the sky,
Watching the clouds change shape.
The harmony like the brook that flows as it hums.

I don't want it to end, but it does.
It ends, and my fantasy of the meadow... fades...
My day turned to night and rages into a storm.
I'm alone...
Alone in the meadow as rain falls,
Like my tears down my face.

I stay strong.
And hold back my tears as lightning strikes the ground.
A fiery ring surrounds me as I stand.
I watch and hear the dancing flames.
The crackle warms my now cold heart as it rings in my ears.
I may not have you, but I have an everlasting fire.
A fire in my heart that burns with strength...
Determination...
Perseverance...
It burns, and I feel it.
I hear it beating.
I hear it speaking to me.
I hear it screaming!
Telling me, I am still alive.

The fire can't destroy me.
The ring that burns into my retinas.
The image searing into my brain.
I'm immune to this danger.
I walk through...
I walk through it with no pain.
Just warmth surrounding me.

My thoughts leave me as I find myself lying asleep next to you.
Your warmth is what I felt.
It's what burned like fire.
Your arm around me tight,
Afraid I'll fly away... or fall apart.
I am whole, and I am calm.

I hear your sweet song in my head.
Against the snoring melody you make.
And I fall to sleep as it all starts again...

Pain in Love

I feel...
I feel that pain...
In my heart, I'm left alone.
Afraid of breaking...
Afraid of climbing that canyon wall.

I'm within myself.
Love hurts inside me,
Like I have been running forever.
Never stopping because I can't...
I need to keep going!
Yet I'm running out of breath.

No comfort...
Falling down an abyss,
No one catches me...
Aiming for you, but missing terribly.

I feel this pain in love.
Loving so hard, I hurt myself.
No one catches me as I fall backward and inward.
No one... not even you...

I See You Walking

For Z.J.H.

I see you walking...
Walking alone down the moonlighted path.
Alone you walk,
Aimless, yet not.

I see your shadow walking...
Walking behind you steadily.
Step by step, he follows.
Stuck, like you feel.

I see you look upward...
Looking at the moon.
You look at peace.
You look, as I stare up with you.

I try to think of what you think of.
I'm bleeding empathy!
Trying to figure it out.
I don't know what to say.
I want to yell out for you...
But all that comes out is silence...

Your image fades, no silhouette left.
I stand alone on the moonlit path.
I wish for you to stand there along with me...
Though that will never be.
We don't talk, yet I still love you.

I saw you walking...
And tears fall down my face...
I still search for you,
Where there is no path to follow.

Just Enough

Just enough,
And on edge.

On the inside,
I cannot breathe.

On the outside,
I am putting on a show.

On the inside,
I am crying.

On the outside,
I am smiling.

On the inside,
I try to be happy.

On the outside,
I try not to be sad.

Just enough,
I'm on edge.
One more push,
I'll feel myself fall.

I can handle it,
Most of it on my own.
But deep inside,
I need you because I feel you're mine.

No right or wrong,
Just pain.
No black or white,
Just in need.

Just enough...
And on edge.