Winter Extinguishes, Spring Revives

For Someone I Liked

The snow gently falls,
The ice sparkles a glistens in patches.
As I see it all, taking in the scene,
I am reminded why I guard my heart over this season.
Winter freezes and extinguishes my fire.
Waiting for Spring to fill me, again, with hope.

That is . . .
Until I see your face.
I become less harsh, I am myself.
I warm up and, really, genuinely smile.
When I do, I see your smile.
And it makes me melt.

In your embrace,
I feel whole,
Whole and safe.

When you leave,
I feel empty,
Empty and alone.

Sonnet J

For J

I cannot find the words to express you.
And yet I can always find them nearby.
It has taken a month; you have no clue,
That I set my feelings aside to fly.

I had to break the silence; I must try.
In you very hand, my proverbial heart.
The very secret I hide, covered a lie.
It is for you that my pen makes this art.

That you, of all men, give me a jump-start.
Your warm embrace, I do feel more alive.
I fear the day that comes when you depart.
You kiss is what I want to feel in drive.

My eye for you is of smarts and beauty,
It is you I attract, then be flirty.

Wake Up in the Night

For somebody

Waking up,
I think I feel your arms around me.
I turn, but you're not there.
No blue eyes watching me, waking me up more.

No smile, genuine like gold.
No words, to sweetly land in my ears.
No kiss, to carry as the day goes on.
No holding on, to keep each other grounded.

Bittersweet is it all,
That I can't say anything to you.
Fear in my way,
And I hide my feelings for you.

At night,
I think you're there,
But I know you're not.
But wishful in my thinking.

Closed blue eyes.
Soft, steady breaths.
Holding on like a child scared to death.
Whispering words as sweet as the night air.

Sad enough this is all but an entire dream,
And I again wake up in the darkness alone.

Smile of Glass

Inspired by "Just a Game" by Birdy and "Catching Fire" by Suzanne Collins

It's all just a game.
Waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I'm just a piece in their lives.

I break my heart over and over,
Yet I paint a smile for them,
Politely wave again.
I am no hero,
But I'm treated as such.

A dualistic bout:
Between the faces in the crowd
And the faces of the few I love.
Facades the latter see hurt them like they do me.

In deepest depths of my bedroom,
The glass smile breaks.
My tears fall into my pillow.
I'm cold with loneliness.
I hold back more and more to handle it all.

It's all just a game,
Another day of waving to the crowd,
With the cheering in the background.
I am not going to be a piece in their lives anymore.

I prefer the few I love,
Over the many that seem to fall only for the mask.

Like Earth Meeting Water

Alone in the woods,
Thinking of the many things in this world.
None like the earth and the water.

In how they are in constant harmony.
They meet everyday without hate,
No prejudice, just peace.

The water helps the earth mold into something better.
The earth listens to the water with active ears.
The water whistles a tune from the heart.
The earth amplifies it for the world to hear.

If only I could see people act as such,
Like the earth meeting water.
If only I could find a man with those qualities,
To find my harmony within.

Shattered Mirror

For someone whose initials I'm terrified to put up

He shattered the mirror,
Leaving distorted pieces scattered on the floor.
No sweeping.
Bad luck for seven years.

Broken, the mirror stands.
Ugly, worthless, beaten in senselessness.
I stand before it, and I look to see an image barely.
Broken and scattered like the unswept pieces.

Then, like the ray of sunlight through the window,
That radiant smile and those strong arms.
That warm evening breeze, I felt in your presence.
Your defensiveness when the other shattered the mirror.

Maybe I didn't like the illusion of that mirror.
Maybe I only needed to see the smile on your face.
Maybe that really means you saw me for me.
Maybe I was afraid you liked the reflection in the mirror now shattered.

In hopes of seeing you again,
To see that warm and welcoming smile,
To feel your summery embrace,
The beauty I should have really seen...
Was in the way you looked at me all this time.

Dandelion (2)

For someone I can't put their initials up

I have found a dandelion,
I the coolness of the heat.
I want to give it to you,
Because you are what I hoped to find.

The glimmer of hope I held onto,
For so long, so long.
I found you among the weeds,
That lovely spot of yellow.

You are special,
You're amazing to me.
Sensitive like the petals,
Resilient like the stem,
Lovely like the color.

I've never had this much comfort,
Just in knowing you're there.
Knowing I have beauty holding my hand,
Knowing I have something as real as a flower.
The very flower that gives me hope.

I have found a dandelion,
I picked it just for you,
Because you are what I had hoped to find...
And more.

I Didn't Turn Around

For T.B.

I climbed over hills,
Rolling green with spots of brown.
The sun looks down through leaves of green,
Like your eyes when I look at you.

I didn't turn around,
Because you're the one person I look forward to.
Just like the dry earth
Waits for the rain to fall.

I didn't turn around,
Because I am not going to look in the past.
That is where time is wasted,
and I want that time to be with you.

I climbed over hills,
And I didn't turn around.
I see the stars,
But they shine duller than you.

How Lucky I Am

For T.B.

I am amazed,
An overwhelming feeling.
It makes me want to cry rejoicing,
I am lucky.

The burning desire in my soul,
Like the sun shining in my heart.
How sweetly a tender kiss is on your lips,
The butterflies flutter about their cage.

A graceful smile passes through.
And it recharges me like lightning.
To see that pleasure across your face,
Reminds me how lucky I am.

I want to burst out crying,
Amazed at the life I have now,
And the future I am building with you.
The feeling soaringly bubbles more.

Reminding me of my luckiness,
Is the feel of my head against your chest.
When we hold each other, I hear the steadiness in your heart.
It warms me to the core.

Seeing your striking blue-green eyes,
Feels me to the brim of contentedness,
Their beauty reminds me to smile,
And the fact that I'm yours.

At night, when I sleep,
I think of your chest rising and falling in rhythm.
How lucky I am,
To have you.

Watching the Grass Grow

For T.B.

Fields of dried brown grass,
Drought riddled earth, cursed.
It crunches beneath my bare feet,
Searing the bottoms as I walk.

No matter the number of tears I shed,
I could not revive the field.
I became jealous of everyone else's bliss.
How lushly green they looked.

Then along came you,
With a bucket of your hopes and dreams.
The water I needed for the dry plain.
You asked, 'May I?" pointing at the bucket.
I nodded a yes, and you poured out the contents like a river across the field.

Days go by, and we talk.
The past,
The present,
And the future.
Accepting everything beyond the faults,
As sprigs pop up around us.
Every day we come back, more grows.

The hexed earth is growing green.
Real and spongy grass, and I roll around in it.
My joy brings about your smile,
And you take your spot next to me.
My eyes misty, and you lean down for a lingering kiss.

It is sweet like ripened fruit,
You hold me tight,
I bury myself into you.
You still hold me like I'll fly away.

We watched the grass grow.
Together, we helped it grow.
Watering the earth of my field made my own grass green.
The happiness I found with you made it green.

Aimless

For T.B.

Wandering on winding roads,
No Destination,
Just a Journey.
Just the two of us.

Out the window are the stars,
Shining and static,
Intelligent and challenging.
They spread across the blanket of the night sky of ebony,
Elegantly surrounding us.

Aimless, as we are,
A light between us hasn't died.
It shines like the sun, scorching and acidic yellow.
It shines like the moon, serene and palest white.
It is ours, no one else's.

How I want to touch the sky,
Outstretch my arm to take hold of a star.
A gift of hot sparkling gas,
So I can show you how far I will go for you.

Aimless, as we are,
I'd bend the mountains.
And let our paths converge,
Heart-to-heart.

Think of a Sunset

For T.B.

The sunsets melting colors together,
Behind a horizon of mountains.
Supple oranges,
Shining yellows,
And beauteous purples.

The sunset's light kisses your face.
Shadowing the lines of your face.
Looking off as though you are in a dream.
Though I am looking at you because you are my dream.

I look away nervously,
The butterflies stirring in their cage.
You take my hand and bend down a bit.
You kiss me, and it tastes like fresh, crisp apples.

My face hot from blushing,
Blood rushes around my body.
Standing in your embrace, my head on your chest.
I see a light turn on in your eyes through the shadows.
We then walk off, the sunset to our backs.

I peek back at the melting pot of colors,
A silver lining---I smile.

The Spell of the Heartbeat

For Anybody Under This Spell

I lay on your chest,
Listening to your heart.
It beats feverishly,
Going thump-thump,
And I shut my eyes to the rhythm.

A gentle sleep,
The heart puts that spell on me.
In my dreams, you're there,
Swaying in endless dancing with me.
An organ's music plays sweetly.

When I'm home,
I hear it rise and fall.
I take that musical sound with me.
I hear it pulsing,
Your ghost is there, but I know you're real.

With you, I'm not alone,
With you, my breath is taken,
With you, I can believe,
With you, I feel my own heart pulsing,
With you, I can see the colors clearly.

I wake up,
Your hand in mine,
Your heart goes thump-thump in my ear.
My face twists into a smile,
As I look up at you.

Just Take My Hand

For T.B.

I see you smile through the darkness,
Against the eerie pale light of the moon.
The mountains outlined in jagged darkened lines.

You see me and my heart leaps,
And I smile back.
In your company, I am shining.
Shining like the sun, in its brilliance.

You hold me like the sky.
Your touch so light it makes me fly.
Your kiss so gingerly placed it helps me float higher.

I see your pain through your eyes,
Your words so carefully were chosen.
I feel it run in my veins,
With which I want to reverse for you.

I keep you in my thoughts,
Not wanting to ever let you go,
Your trust is building for me, and I smile still proudly.

I brighten your sky,
Showing you the silver linings strewn within you.
I want you to help you get stronger,
I want to be yours to keep.

Just take my hand,
And let me prove that I am made to trust.

Something in Your Eyes

For T.B.

It's like magic,
In your mysterious eyes.
Something,
That makes me smile.

The way they shine,
Makes me wonder what you're thinking.
What you think,
When I'm not there with you.

Your smile,
It sears my mind brightly.
It's cheesy, but it's naturally tasty.
The kind of smile that makes me blush.

The way you hold my hand,
Let's the electricity flow through my nerves freely.
The way you lean in to kiss me,
Let's the chemicals in my brain bubble with fervor.

The way your forehead crinkles in concentration,
Your mind playing notes as the translation to your instrument, creating music.
Beautiful memory,
Down to the earth.

Your nervous humming,
It reminds me of a cat's purr,
Soft and meaningful,
Musical even, down to your last note.

When you hug me,
There's a lump in my throat,
Choking back words and tears.
There is magic in the way my deadened heartbeats.

When you let go,
Say goodbye,
I try to hold you tighter,
With the knowledge that I'll see you again.

Cold Blood and Skin

My blood ran cold,
It is frozen like ice,
Painful like tiny knives through my veins.
I shiver badly, and I'm so cold.

The grip of the cold squeezes all my insides,
None more than my heart.
My skin bursts into bumps,
The vessels in my eye hurt.

Acid-like tears stain my face.
They are caustic and warm enough to melt concrete.
They burn my icy-blue eyes.
I can't stop...

Pain makes me strong,
But it takes time for that.
Time that slows down like molasses down a snowy hill.
Cutting into me harshly like the blood in my body.

The soft pillow on my head,
Gives me comfort as I curl up.
I sleep, in shock, but cold.
Knowing that soon I'll be stronger for it.

At One with the Storm

It is dark,
And charcoal clouds float above me.
It surrounds me,
They surround me.
It swallows me,
They swallow me.

I am in the clouds among the darkened sky.
Thunder makes the sky shudder,
Like an arctic breeze on bare skin.
Lightning cracks the sky,
Like porcelain and paints the black sky with white.

My anger,
It follows the actions of the clouds.
The rise and fall my heart makes,
As it beats in my chest that feels like cold knifes.
Blood makes my ears blaze like fire,
My veins pop out of my arms and neck.

There is no calm before the storm,
I see blood red in my fury.
I feel stiff and I feel shaken,
All this is because I am the storm.

My anger floods into the rain,
Which falls like a river into the sea.
I am crying,
Burning tears that absorb into the clouds.
Then something happens,
It snaps me back to reality.

You kneel beside me,
Your hand on my shoulder.
I calm down,
Out of my mind into reality.
You hold me with an iron-like embrace.

The clouds disappear,
You are still there next to me.
I see your eyes and I cry,
Crestfallen and ashamed at what I had become.
You still hold me,
I am not one with the storm anymore.
You are my sun when the dawn comes,
And my springtime dandelion.

I'm Afraid You Don't Feel the Way I Do

For the person I'm afraid to put initials up

I hear pianos playing,
Softly, sweetly,
In the distance.

I see you dancing,
Among the trees,
To the music.

You turn around,
I see your graceful eyes,
So pretty, like a lake in June.

I'm afraid...
To go to you...
To be with you...

I'm afraid you don't feel the way I do,
My heart so is broken,
It is fragile, like glass.

I'm so far away...
Tears flood my eyes...
I run...

You run, too,
Your face steady, worried,
 Following my trail of tears.

I feel your hand,
I grab tightly to mine.
I don't turn.

You speak,
Sweetly and deeply,
Like the soft music playing.

You tell me,
'It's alright.'
But I'm so scared...

You embrace me,
My head in your chest,
You hum softly to the music.

'This isn't real,'
'This isn't real,'
I tell myself.

In your strong arms,
So surreal,
So perplexing.

I want to rip away,
My anxiety bursting,
I let you hold me still.

You start to dance again,
You take me with you steadily.
Waltzing, like no one, sees us.

You hum still...
I hold tighter...
We slip away...

When it's dark...
You disappear...
I'm along by the tree...

A figment...
I was tricked by my mind...
I collapse in the field by the tree...

I'm tired,
So I sleep in my dream...
Your humming in my ears.

Your words still in my mind,
They ring like the bells of Notre Dame,
'It's alright.'

The pianos...
Their music fading...
You... fade, too.

Rise in Pain and Fall in Love

For someone's initials I'm afraid to put up

You saw me there,
Next to you, starry-eyed.
Talking and listening,
Then he came in, I melted away.

Months went by.
Every time I saw you with him,
My heart tore away.
Breaking away,
Each piece ripping into two.

I hid my pain,
I hid my jealousy,
I had nothing to gain,
From things such as these.

Just as I was about to turn around,
You were back, goofy smile and all.
Heart mending slowly, pieces floating upward.
A well of happiness sprung within me.
I smile at you, you're back in my life.

I hug you tighter when you say goodbye.
I smile brighter, to show you I'm happy.
I look at you to remember you more.
I smell your cologne, so I remember who you are to me.

Alive

For someone's initials I'm afraid to put up

I see you there,
Sitting there, staring, talking.
Your voice travels like music,
Your muscles are tight against your shirt.

You stand up,
You're tall, towering me.
It doesn't seem like it from far away.
You see me, I turn away, shy.

You walk over to me,
To say your goodbye,
I feel hollow,
Until you embrace me.

Your hugs remind me of a summer evening,
Opening the door to step outside,
Feeling a warm breeze against cooled skin.
Until you pull away.

A flicker in your eyes, so blue,
Like lights turning on in a house.
You turn to leave; I turn to tears.
Hollow and alone.

Nature Speaks to Me About You

Nature speaks to me.
It speaks to me through the earth.
It speaks some truths,
While hiding the lies, they want to say.

The trees I climb,
So that I can touch the sky,
Say that you can touch the lowest branch,
That you are tall and can tower me.

The flowers in the vanity,
Their roots tangled together beneath the warm ground,
Say that your skin is soft like their petals,
And that they are jealous of your beauty.

The grass, in their lowly whispers,
The lawn vast and dotted with yellow,
Say that you love the smell it freshly cut,
And that you rest your head upon the fragile blades.

The dandelions speak of dreams,
Their color shines bright like hope,
Say you talk of one day seeing me,
And that you stare up to the sky and think of me.

The dirt, the very essence that is earth,
The very thing that begins life,
Saying you're strong like the bull,
And that your steps are steady and free.

Nature speaks to me.
It speaks to me in beautiful songs.
You are alive and well.
There are no lies, but only truth as they speak.

Under Pressure

I'm cracking under pressure,
Spidering glass.
If I drop, then I will break.

The glass may turn back into the sand.
The sand may return to earth.
The earth so dry,
The rain barely coming down.

I stand statuesque,
I stand carefully,
I don't want to budge.

Friends try to patch the broken pieces.
Comfort in my tears, alone.
Tears stream down unfixed cracks.
Within myself and I cannot bear it.

I shatter more with glassy tears.
I melt to the ground,
Lying down as the sun goes through me.

A Novel Idea of Love

For all that it is worth,
Our love changed The Games people played.

We were Matched,
But by our own accord.

We sat along the shore of the stream,
Catching Fire as it danced before us.

We Crossed the ling others drew,
Knowing it couldn't stop us.

Listening to the sounds of the woods,
Wishing to hear a Mockingjay, real and singing.

We Reached the point where we cannot turn back,
Everlasting and pure.

We live Divergent among the others,
Our paths never connect to theirs.

We are Insurgent,
Different in how society sees us.

Allegiant and on our own,
We found solace together and love.

Gentle and Free (My Heart Flies to You)

I dream,
I drop,
I fly.

Love in flight.
Dreams of you.
No choice to make,
It is your choice.

The further I fall,
It is when I'm with you.
My heart quivers,
And flies in your hand.

Be gentle,
Like if it were a butterfly.
Let it be free,
Like if it were a lion.

See me in it,
Like I see you.
If I see you,
It is in care.

I wake,
I flutter,
I land.

Chase

Rise and fall,
Chase to start.
Beauty exceeding all.
I see you and run.

You see me,
But I'm not beautiful.
I'm just plain like the grass under our feet.
I'm just scared because I can't speak.

Rise and fall,
Our chests do as such in unison.
Running for long,
Strides meet together.

Quiet...
Crickets sing...
Eyes boring into each other...
Sweat dripping...

Rise and fall,
I run toward you, but you are still.
When I get close, you run.
Now I'm pointing to the sky as you turn around.

Snake in the Grass

For J.S.

I cry a river,
Sobs uncontrollable.
You are cruel,
You are hateful.

I see deep blood red when you're around.
I know the things you have done.
You are wrong.
You are just so wrong.

You hit others with no cause.
You think you can control to keep your hold.
You are hideous.
You are bitter.

A venomous bite you have.
A dangerous charm to beware.
You are a threat.
You are a snake.

You lie and cheat skillfully.
Manipulating others to be under your wing.
You are malicious.
You are to be avoided.

To Be Part of the Earth

To hide in the earth,
To be beneath the soil.
To melt like snow,
To become a plant lost among trees.

To hide in the earth,
To be in the dirt, tilled and ground up.
To touch the sky like a wondrous oak.
Beneath the surface in a burrow.

A hollow tree, a hidden door,
Green like the leaves in spring.
The bloom of flowers to paint the scene.
Daisies, lilies, roses, and fuchsias.

Recluse and scared.
I just want to hide.
Sink to meet the heart of the earth.
Nature sees me as solitary.

To hide in the earth,
To be silent and deep.
To meet the roots of the trees,
To cage myself in the soil for good.

If You Are You

For L.C., C.W., N.B., & M.B.; for each of you my love IS different.

If you are you,
And I am I.
I will love you,
For all you are worth.

In it stands my compassion,
My passion.

When you are gone,
I just smell the scent of bark.
I wrap myself in silk,
Because it reminds me of your touch.

In it stands my grandeur,
My empathy.

When you are mad,
I stand alone and distant.
I build a wall,
So you can climb it.

In it stands my sadness,
My own anger.

If you are you,
And I am I.
I won't take for granted,
Your love that you share.

Walk in Beauty

I walk in beauty,
Striding fluidly like water.
Through the crowd, I go,
Unnoticed, but my eyes open.

Sunlight through blue eyes,
Blue eyes reflect in the sky.
Observing,
Careful to step and cross your path.

I sit and see a glance.
You see through the veil,
You see my smile.
At that moment, I am vulnerable.

You won't approach.
I stand, and you look away.
You can't look at the blue in my eyes.
You are beautiful, but you can't see it.

I walk away, my smile vanished.
Tears well and release.
Heart heavy and in my throat.
I may see you again, my only hope.

I walk in beauty,
Silent and sure.
I shine like the sun,
Like a fire in the morning.

Steady on the ground,
Balance like a crane.
Grace like a swan.
Wise like an owl.

If I saw myself like others do,
I'd be confident.
Yet I don't,
Because I learned human beauty doesn't last.

I walk in beauty,
Like the tall oak in Spring.
You see me again,
But only as I sleep.

Remanence of a Fire

Embers fly and fall to the earth.
Coals burn in ash.
A flicker of warmth,
And the last flames dance.

Reds and oranges burn in wood.
Yellow and blues mix together to breathe.

Bricks charred with black,
Where the fire licked it.
Wood cracked like black rock canyons,
Scarred by flames.

Greys like a wizened man,
Spread under a wooden prison.

Water stained soil and ash.
Smoke flies to the sky.
Fire smoldered.
Memory remains.

Sparks will fly again,
But on a different night they will dance once more.

A Boy With Grandfather's Hands

For my only brother, E.R.M.

Eighteen months,
The time between our births.
You were made to be unique,
Given every bit of love and care.

Fate would have it that you would be gifted.
Gifted with carpentry and mechanical works.
The art you've created.
The things you've fixed.
You are special.

You reminded our mother of grandfather.
Tall and good with your hands.
You hold so much for her.
Autistic you may be, it doesn't matter to us.

Our bond is excellent, so close together.
I want to hug you and not let go.
Philia, brotherly love.
My brother until death.
I vowed to care for you as a guardian.

You may not fully express love,
But somehow, I know you do.
Soon you'll remind me of mom and dad.
Until then, you have my love as your only brother.

You Saw Me Soar in Resilience

For my mother, W.J.M.

You made me feel safe.
Inside your nest you built.
You built it up from nothing.
Just your love.

You saw me in flight.
You saw me sky-high from your nest.
I got shot down once or twice,
But you caught me mid-air.

The nights you held me still,
Through nightmares and tears.
You could make a coat with all those tears I shed.
You repel the water like eagle feathers.

But you still let me fly.
Soaring toward the sun.
You look on proudly.
Watching, to make sure I'm safe.

Your blue eyes meet mine.
In them, I see love.
In mine, you see the hurt.
You'd do anything to see me at peace.

I see where I get my strength,
In the love of others and loyalty.
And I smile to show I'm strong.
To that, I thank you.

Sinking Heart in Glass

My heart sinks,
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.

It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.

My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.

Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.

I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.

I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.

What I Saw and What I See

For my father, J.W.M.

I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.

I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.

I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.

I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.

I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.

Tired Soul and Strong Will

I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.

Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.

Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.

I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.

I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.

Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.

I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.

Hidden Mountains

Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.

I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.

I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.

Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.

They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.

They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.

Barrier Breaker: Letting Go of the Hurt

For those in my past that chose to hurt me in the end. I am letting you go and you will stay in my past.

I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.

I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.

I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.

I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.

I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.

I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.

I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.

I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.

For What It's Worth I Am Home

I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.

Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.

Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.

Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
 I am home.

Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.

I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.

Far Away

For C.W.

Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.

I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.

Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.

I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.

Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.

End

For K.J.S.

I suffered plenty,
A fish on your hook.
You let me go to finality,
No selfishness in the act.

It ended, finally.
My heart is broken,
But I am free.
Free from that prison of contempt.

No words could describe this.
We are both genuinely free.
Free to roam,
Free to love another.

I taught you to love,
You taught me life.
We fit together,
Except we are mismatched pieces.

Nevermore will I seek you.
Nevermore will the wheels turn.
Nevermore, the words will weave.
Nevermore will we hurt in the heart.

Years will pass,
And we'll laugh at our stupidity.
For all it is worth,
Take these last words and keep them close:

I love you.
And I hope you will find your light.

Tidal Waves

Rise and fall.
Standing tall and towering.
Crashing in the wake of a storm.
Tidal waves collapse onto you in my anger.

I stand up to you in ferocity.
I stand up to you with energy expelled.
I take that stand because no one has.
My wrath isn't a mere splash.

I make you tremble.
I make you shiver in the coldness of the water.
I have released it all.
You get it all.

You deserved the towering wave.
Full force and drenched.
Feel how I feel and you'll know why.
I won't apologize for it.

Rising and falling.
Crashing.
Drenched.
Finished.

Disconnected and Disjointed

Gold,
As warm as the sand beneath my feet.
As I stand a strong man before you.
Still have my trust,
So you have my hand in yours.

Hold it.
Lace it.
You see my pain.
The pain you caused in absence.

You help me believe I was something,
But that was a truth disguised lie.
You comfort me with truth,
You made me disconnect with myself.
I am something to you.

Hold it.
Lace it.
Cherish it like a precious diamond.
Turn it to treasure.

I love and care deeply,
My wounds are mended.
I am truly warm with a beating heart.
You have sewn me together, mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to treasure,
With one final touch.
Never to stone,
With one final kiss...

Stone,
As cold as frozen tears in winter.
As I stand a husk before you.
You lost my trust.
So in place you get my stone heart.

Crush it.
Beat it.
You know no pain.
Not the pain I feel.

You told me I was something to you,
But that was a lie disguised truth.
You comfort me with lies,
You made me disconnect from myself.
I am nothing to you.

Crush it.
Beat it.
Slam it against the wall.
Turn it dust.

I hurt and ache deeply.
My wounds cut right open.
I'm truly cold with no heart.
You cut me open, no mercy.
I feel pain no more.

Turn it to dust,
With one final kiss.
Never to gold,
With one final touch...

What No One Knows

What no one knows,
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.

All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.

I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.

Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.

I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.

What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.

Fallen

For those that don't have the strength to continue

I have fallen,
No one to catch me.

My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.

My heart is broken,
Now I cry.

I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.

You smile,
I frown.

Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.

I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...

I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.

 Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.

Ocean: You and Me

For the people I love in my life

I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.

I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.

I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.

I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.

I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.

I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.

I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.

Love Like the Rain

For my memories of blissful love

Fallen rain,

Like piercing arrows shot from a recurve.

Freezing its targets,

Skin stings like a wasp.

A musky smell,

The ground secretes in its defense.

It fills the air like a noxious gas.

It smells sweet like honey as it enters my nose.

Sheets fall and roughly splashing into puddles.

Puddles that look dark in the night like ebony eyes shining.

It dances aimlessly across the plain and cracked earth.

I watch it lick like flames in a pit.

Cool gales blow,

Churning the puddles like waves of the sea.

I want to be on a small sailboat rocking back and forth,

Challenging Poseidon’s power in the wake.

Rain like this is like love:

Rough.

I couldn’t imagine life as rain.

Splashing to the ground and evaporating, cycling.

Love in humans: changes.

Changes from day- to-day,

Never-ending, but fading quickly.

But loving like the rain, in cycles, is real.

Enclosed by Glass

I feel enclosed.
Enclosed in a glass case.
On display to those I know.

I see most pointing and laughing.
Laughing for the fool I am,
And for the fool I have been.

I see the rest horrified and bewildered.
Reaching out to help, but they can't get close.
Fragile faces cracking.

I pound the glass with fists of iron.
Harder, harder, but still no cracking.
I hit the bottom, crying.

I'm stuck and in the air.
Laughed at by those who don't care.
Helped by those that do.

I can't get out.
The sadness I see is mine,
On the people that love me.

I never knew the effect I can have.
All I see in this moment now,
Is myself, tear-stained in the mirror.

I Made It Home

My heart on fire.
My lungs burn.
I've been running.
Running and running.
Thoughts race.

I made it home.
It isn't the home, I know.
It isn't your heart.
It isn't safe.
It isn't anything.

I don't have much for myself.
I can't have much for myself.
I won't have much for myself.
Selflessness is what prevents that for me.

I don't see you because you are gone.
A speck in the distance climbing over a mountain.
I don't know you anymore.
I don't know where you lay your head at night.
I don't see your boundaries.
I don't hear you amongst the noise.

I made it home.
But it isn't what I think I deserve.
You're somewhere else.
I will find your heart and take shelter in it again.

I'll keep running.
I'll keep trying.
I'll keep you safe.
Just don't let me collapse inward.
Help me untie my knotted ropes.
Help me climb the mountains.
Climbing toward where the Sun and Moon are seen together.
Toward a new beginning one day in time.

Wallflower

For my fellow Wallflowers

I feel invisible.
No one sees me.
No one sees ME...
I feel my words fall on deaf ears.
I feel I am not heard.
I feel I cannot speak.

I feel invisible.
I cannot choose a path.
My choices are both crowded.
I cannot see what is ahead.
I cannot see the predictable.
I feel unseen and got shoved aside.

I feel invisible.
My words shoved back into my mouth.
No one wants to heard the words I can speak.
Pushed into silence.
Reinforced to not speak my truth and trust.
Reinforced to feel trapped in my head with words.

I feel invisible.
No one sees ME....
Not even you and I feel no care.
No care where no cure is sought.
No words to heal my broken heart.
Hours pass with no help.

I feel invisible.
I notice everyone, but no one knows this.
Wallflower I am.
Wallflower I'll be.
I can see with artist eyes.
No guiding stars to speak of.

I feel invisible.
Until you see me.
Until...
You see ME!
For once I'm noticed, but still I do not know.
I cannot speak because my voice you won't hear...

Words

Words weave together like fabric.
Weaving to make something beautiful.
Beautiful like a river, transparent as glass.

Words can be hurtful.
Hurtful in the way that you can cut with daggers.
Daggers are thrown with intent in mind.

Words can heal wounds.
Heal the wounds that, in turn, cause.
In time, forgiveness comes.

Words...
Laughable to those that poorly use them.
Influential to those that can articulate.

Words weave into something special.
Words hurt like a bullet.
Words heal like a cast.

Words are forever.

Snow Kisses and Embraces

I watch the snowfall.
Graceful and beautiful.
Glistening like diamonds in the light.
Melting like your kisses on a dark, cold night.

I watch the flakes dance.
Dancing in the wind.
Dancing right into my hair.
They must have found a haven with me,
Like I with you.

 I watch the crystals land on the frozen ground.
Stuck and immovable.
Forming like a guarded fortress.
Like you took hold of,
But only for shelter.
And you held me with a warm embrace,
Hot breath on my skin.

Your graceful kiss...
Your homely safety...
Your warmth in your hugs...
Are what I see, not etched in cold stone,
But etched in snow.

The Desert Walk

I walk at sunrise.
I walk in the desert, days on end,
Barefoot and tattered clothes.
Trying to find you.

Nothing is lushly green,
Nothing but dried weeds and brown rock.
Mountains in the horizon,
Lustrous beauty before me.

High noon and I sweat.
Sun-soaked skin and sticky sweat.
I walk...
I walk keeping faith.
Keeping hope.

I can't see the end.
I can't see the hope I once had.
My body is starved from no food,
Dried from no water.

Twilight star came with sunset colors.
Heart aching, blistered like my skin through tatter clothes.
I find no end and I collapse.
It seems fate got to me...
Before I got to you.

Hear

 For Unrequited Love

I hear a sweet melody.
I feel the steady beat that I mistake for my own heart.
I hear the words,
But I realize it was you.
Singing in that low tone you have,
It isn't quite baritone, but still, I'm on cloud nine.

I listen to that beautiful voice of yours.
I can't understand why you don't use it more often.
I love the music you make.
You don't think I'm listening, hearing it.
I never thought I'd hear a song from you.

The song I hear you sing reminds me of a lush field.
Notes sung lay like grass and blow like a breeze.
I think of us in a plain, looking to the sky,
Watching the clouds change shape.
The harmony like the brook that flows as it hums.

I don't want it to end, but it does.
It ends, and my fantasy of the meadow... fades...
My day turned to night and rages into a storm.
I'm alone...
Alone in the meadow as rain falls,
Like my tears down my face.

I stay strong.
And hold back my tears as lightning strikes the ground.
A fiery ring surrounds me as I stand.
I watch and hear the dancing flames.
The crackle warms my now cold heart as it rings in my ears.
I may not have you, but I have an everlasting fire.
A fire in my heart that burns with strength...
Determination...
Perseverance...
It burns, and I feel it.
I hear it beating.
I hear it speaking to me.
I hear it screaming!
Telling me, I am still alive.

The fire can't destroy me.
The ring that burns into my retinas.
The image searing into my brain.
I'm immune to this danger.
I walk through...
I walk through it with no pain.
Just warmth surrounding me.

My thoughts leave me as I find myself lying asleep next to you.
Your warmth is what I felt.
It's what burned like fire.
Your arm around me tight,
Afraid I'll fly away... or fall apart.
I am whole, and I am calm.

I hear your sweet song in my head.
Against the snoring melody you make.
And I fall to sleep as it all starts again...

Pain in Love

I feel...
I feel that pain...
In my heart, I'm left alone.
Afraid of breaking...
Afraid of climbing that canyon wall.

I'm within myself.
Love hurts inside me,
Like I have been running forever.
Never stopping because I can't...
I need to keep going!
Yet I'm running out of breath.

No comfort...
Falling down an abyss,
No one catches me...
Aiming for you, but missing terribly.

I feel this pain in love.
Loving so hard, I hurt myself.
No one catches me as I fall backward and inward.
No one... not even you...

I See You Walking

For Z.J.H.

I see you walking...
Walking alone down the moonlighted path.
Alone you walk,
Aimless, yet not.

I see your shadow walking...
Walking behind you steadily.
Step by step, he follows.
Stuck, like you feel.

I see you look upward...
Looking at the moon.
You look at peace.
You look, as I stare up with you.

I try to think of what you think of.
I'm bleeding empathy!
Trying to figure it out.
I don't know what to say.
I want to yell out for you...
But all that comes out is silence...

Your image fades, no silhouette left.
I stand alone on the moonlit path.
I wish for you to stand there along with me...
Though that will never be.
We don't talk, yet I still love you.

I saw you walking...
And tears fall down my face...
I still search for you,
Where there is no path to follow.

Just Enough

Just enough,
And on edge.

On the inside,
I cannot breathe.

On the outside,
I am putting on a show.

On the inside,
I am crying.

On the outside,
I am smiling.

On the inside,
I try to be happy.

On the outside,
I try not to be sad.

Just enough,
I'm on edge.
One more push,
I'll feel myself fall.

I can handle it,
Most of it on my own.
But deep inside,
I need you because I feel you're mine.

No right or wrong,
Just pain.
No black or white,
Just in need.

Just enough...
And on edge.

Stay With Me

Stay with me...
Next to me...
Holding my hand...
Holding me...
Tightly and completely.

Stay with me...
Cry and laugh with me...
Fall deeper with me...
In love...
Wholely.

Stay with me...
Break my heart...
Miss me...
Take me back...
Kindly.

Stay with me...
Drunk on love...
Reveal your darker side...
Be you...
Always...

Candle Flicker

For M.B.

I see the candle flicker across from me.
Though it smells like "Ocean Flowers."
I know this to be artificial.
I know the ocean doesn't smell that way.

Deep in my memories, I smell salty air.
Which triggers my memories of salty sweat.
Trickling down from your head.
I love the smell.

My train of thought leaves me.
I hurt.
The image of you fades.
I lay in my bed.
Wanting to open up more to you.
Wanting to be held.
Alone.

The next night, the other candle.
It flickers and I smell "Rustic Woods."
Like the other, it is artificial.
I know the woods don't smell that way.

I remember, the smell of pine and ivy.
The sunshine of summer.
A lunch to share.
Birds chirping.
I feel that warmth.
I feel your hand in mine.

The image of that day fade.
Retrospectively it was omnipresent.
Somehow it makes me sadder.
Alone again.
Wanting to be held.

I don't want to feel this way.
I blow it out.
All I can smell is acrid smoke.
Then nothingness and darkness become one.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone...
I must keep these feelings in-check.

If I Stay, If I Go

If I stay, I have nothing.
I have nothing, but the friends I made.
I have no opportunity in any arena.
None.

If I stay, I am in despair.
I'm not going to be able to climb out of the hole.
The hole is dark and damp.
I'd have a better chance of living in a cave.

If I go, I will have something.
I'll have more opportunities.
Make new friends.
Be able to live.

If I go, I would be happier.
I would be able to climb out of my despair.
See the light of day and feel the halcyon warmth.
My heart would settle and be whole again.

Yet I'm stuck.
Stuck in the middle.
In the middle of an open field.
I have the tools to cultivate, but I don't know what to grow.
For once the seeds are sown, there is no way to stop them.