Missing Him

For Z.J.H.

I've known you for years.
I've liked you from the start.
You're charming, reliable, and handsome.
Anyone would be lucky to have you.

I still imagine your arms around my waist.
A tender kiss that falls on my shoulder.
Sweet nothings whispered in my ear.
A gentle touch.

Looking at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
I've had pleasant dreams about them.
It's like looking at wet sand where impressions are easy to make.

I miss that smile and laugh.
A smile that melts me.
A laugh that comforts me.

Your inner beauty is precious.
Like it is a hidden treasure of gold and diamonds.
Everybody sees it.
Everybody knows it.

Why seeing you stirs up these feelings in me, I don't know...
You're my friend and a friend for life.
When I'm around you, you make me feel special.

Alas, nothing can happen between us.
How I wish for you to like me...
You don't like men like I do.
I think that's why missing you hurts most of all...

Memories

Often repressed,
Often revised,
Often remembered,
Often snide.

Memories are lost,
Memories are static.
Memories aren't perfect.
Yet they manifest in our dreams.

They help us remember how to do things,
Like eat, drink, and drive.
They help us remember those we hold dear to us,
Like dinners, movies, books, and people.

Ever staying some of them.
Like with people who suffer from post-traumatic stress.
Never forget and never let go.
Memories are scared no matter where you go.

Prima Facie (At First Sight)

For K.J.S.


When I first laid eyes on you,
I thought to myself, I hope I don't act stupid around him.
But it turned out to be a wonderful weekend.

We started spending more and more time together.
I felt happy and free.
I thought I can be myself with this man.
I had no fear, except for losing you.

I had feelings stirring inside my very stomach.
When I asked you to Gay Prom, but you said yes!
You cleared time for yourself to go, even though you scared me for a second.

That night of Prom, I knew you did it for me.
But at the cost of you becoming stressed.
I held you in arms, crying because I felt I did something wrong.
You wanted to go home, and so I did as you wished.

Every night I spent with you was in your arms.
We would talk until we slept.
You didn't know this, but when you would twitch, I'd hold on tighter because
I knew you were in for a rough night...
You would snooze the alarm just to have an extra five minutes with me in bed.

We would alternate cooking breakfast, which I know is your favorite.
Scrambled eggs and pancakes, and sometimes it was just cereal.
I'd watch you get ready for work, and you even asked me to help with your hair.
We'd kiss goodbye, and we both drove off happy because we knew we'd see
each other again.

I loved that when you looked at me, you looked into my eyes.
They happened to be your favorite color, blue.
And when I looked in your eyes, they smiled.
Which is my favorite feature of yours, your smile and laugh?

Waking up to a text from you made my world lighter like I could fly.
I knew it did the same to you.
And my roughest days, you cheered me up with a funny picture of yourself.
And my roughest nights, you told me you would always be there.

I thought I hadn't paid that much attention to what was going on.
I think about you all the time.
On my roughest nights, I want to call, but I feel I can't do it.
You've put up your walls...

I die on the inside more and more, but I fight through it.
I never knew that I'd be losing you...
I never thought that I'd lose the one man I truly wanted to be with.
The one man that could erase what others have done to me.

I just wish you could hold me...
I just wish you could kiss me...
I just wish to be yours...
I just wish you can see me as... me.

Nightmares

 “'It's not necessary. My nightmares are usually about losing you,' he says. 'I'm okay once I realize you're here.'" -Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
Unspeakable things happen.
Loved ones die and leave you to suffer.
Bugs crawl up underneath the skin.

Like a post-traumatic event,
They leave a stamp in your mind that seems all too real.
Revisiting the terrors of your high school days.
Revisiting the little things that have happened in your life.

My mind is ravaged with these horrid dreams.
Too much for me to handle on most nights.
I wake up in cold sweats and tears in my eyes.
I wake up screaming so I can make it stop.

Lucid, as they are, I know some are absurd.
They are real in a way to our waking life.
Nothing seems to end them because no matter what, they come back.
Nightmares are all too real in our minds.

My dreams are plagued with visions of terror.
They make me lie awake all night for fear I'll have another.
It is the monster that won't leave.
It is something that I cannot stop.
They will keep coming for me...

Truth Is...

For K.J.S.


The truth is... I miss you...
I cry myself to sleep because I need you to hold me.
Your flesh connecting with mine.
Your embrace warms me and warms my heart.

The truth is... I hurt you...
I go crazy every day for saying those things to you out of fear.
Fear that you were going to be like the others before you.
I was wrong the entire time...

It's too late to tell you all this because...
You don't forgive me...
I don't blame you...
No one ever will...
I hurt you with words I cannot take back...
I hurt you with the very things you are not...

The truth is... I admire you...
You have a grand balancing act that is impossible for most.
You deserve the days you have off.
You deserve to be happy.

The truth is... I want you to be happy...
I want that for you because I didn't fulfill it.
I want you to go out there and do things for you.
I want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.

The truth is... you made me feel pretty...
You made me truly happy, something I never felt in a long time.
You were helping me be more open, and you thought I was beautiful.
But I showed you someone ugly and undeserving.

It's too late to tell you the truth... because...
I know you don't want to hear it...
Especially after seeing such a monster...
As much as I try to forgive myself...
I cannot do it without you to forgive me...

You were my light, but now... you're gone...
I'm lost without your guidance...
Lost... Lost... Lost...
My heart aches every night, calling for you...
I just want to pick up the phone and call your number...
Just to hear your voice...

I just want to look at the happy memories we made together...
The dance... the pictures... the gazebo... the tree...
Just you and me, together...
I should've asked you when I had the chance.
To have asked you to one last dance.
To make it last and for you to hold me tight as we twirled.

The truth is... you let me love you...
I never have felt lonely until now...
Just kiss me please, and that might be it for now...

The truth is... I'm in bed with tear stains on the pillow...
Calling for you... to come to hold me once more...