We Haven't Talked in Awhile

For Z.J.H.


The very person that made my heart soar higher,
The very person who knows my soul,
The very person who can look me in the eye and
tell me how he really feels.
We haven't talked in a while.

It feels like forever,
Even if it's been a couple months.
I often look to the stars to think that
you, too, are looking at them with me.

I loved you when I was with someone else.
I couldn't help it...
You have my heart beating inside of yours.
In truth, I must venture a guess that I never loved him.

I would see your picture every night I talked to him.
I had abandoned you,
I had hurt you in some way.
I needed your forgiveness.
I needed to see your face.
I needed to see your dazzling smile...

I still hold onto memories of us that night.
Our first of many kisses strung together in the rain.
You're the light that keeps me going from day-to-day.
It turned off, and I lost my way.
Lost in the forest of confusion.
A confusion that was caused by the move of my folks.

Nothing stops me from weaving these words together.
I will spill my heart out, and the world will know.
I need to see that you are loved.
I need to see the light in your brown eyes.
I need to feel your red hair through my fingers.

I want your heart to soar with mine.
I want your love to surround me like your embrace.
I want you to notice that I need you to love me back.

Long and Forgotten

I'm in my room once again,
Feeling all alone.
Listening to the whispers through the walls.
Hearing, 'Who needs him?'

I'm tired of you covering all your lies,
And I'm not afraid to say.

Why can't you see that I'm broken and crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long,
But I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

You were my friend girl,
And I don't know what happened to you.
You went and turned around,
Then you turned me into a fool.

There is no use in apologizing to you,
Because I'm not the one that left you in the dust.

Why can't you see that I'm broken and crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long.
But I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

I am not going to be played like a fool anymore.
I am not going to turn my heart cold.
I am not going to fall for those lies no more.

Why can't anyone see that I'm crying?
I've been taking it like a man for far too long.
I can't help and feel,
That I'm one of those people who are long and forgotten.

Sitting in my room once again.
Feeling long and forgotten.

Adonis: A Complex

I stand in front of the mirror...
All I see is that my body isn't good enough.
I'm not muscular...
I lift, and I lift, but I see nothing.
Nothing is achieved, and no next goal...

Is there something wrong? My diet, maybe?
Do I need to do more? Eat more?
Am I too skinny? Do I look fat?
Why do I question myself?
Why do I have this constant need to improve?

I'm looking at all these other guys who
have what I want...
A body to be proud of...
Muscle, masculinity, sweat dripping down their faces.
I want that so badly, but I feel my body can never reach
that potential.

I'm ashamed of my body...
I'm ashamed at myself for feeling this way...
I'm ashamed of not being perfect...
I'm ashamed of my thoughts...

I want to be beautiful, strong, and stop some hearts...
I want to view the world like it sees me...
I need to be freed from the complex of Adonis...

Struggle #3 (Sophomore Year)

From my 10th grade self

Too many words to describe the year...
It comes down to a phrase and a word...
Heart attack and faggot...

My grandmother, bless her soul, had endured
a massive heart attack under my family's watch.
She became more a goblin than a grandma.
She almost drove my folks to divorce.
My writing became darker than noir.
My home was nearly broken until we found
her a final resting place in New York...

While all this was happening, I was, to say the least,
scrutinized at every turn of the corner.
I'd hear "faggot" every day, and it grinds
my gears while facing the grindstone of school.

The gym was worse...
I'd get caught checking out a fellow classmate
because of his muscled body and during class
receiving the backlash... "FAGGOT!"
A farmer boy the size of a gnome with his gang
called me everything under the rainbow...

There were times I sat in my room at home...
crying because I was too strong and enduring
a punishment I never deserved.

Why couldn't this year end sooner?
Why should I be hared for being gay?
I wish I had someone to understand me...

Too many words...