For my only brother, E.R.M.
Eighteen months,
The time between our births.
You were made to be unique,
Given every bit of love and care.
Fate would have it that you would be gifted.
Gifted with carpentry and mechanical works.
The art you've created.
The things you've fixed.
You are special.
You reminded our mother of grandfather.
Tall and good with your hands.
You hold so much for her.
Autistic you may be, it doesn't matter to us.
Our bond is excellent, so close together.
I want to hug you and not let go.
Philia, brotherly love.
My brother until death.
I vowed to care for you as a guardian.
You may not fully express love,
But somehow, I know you do.
Soon you'll remind me of mom and dad.
Until then, you have my love as your only brother.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
You Saw Me Soar in Resilience
For my mother, W.J.M.
You made me feel safe.
Inside your nest you built.
You built it up from nothing.
Just your love.
You saw me in flight.
You saw me sky-high from your nest.
I got shot down once or twice,
But you caught me mid-air.
The nights you held me still,
Through nightmares and tears.
You could make a coat with all those tears I shed.
You repel the water like eagle feathers.
But you still let me fly.
Soaring toward the sun.
You look on proudly.
Watching, to make sure I'm safe.
Your blue eyes meet mine.
In them, I see love.
In mine, you see the hurt.
You'd do anything to see me at peace.
I see where I get my strength,
In the love of others and loyalty.
And I smile to show I'm strong.
To that, I thank you.
You made me feel safe.
Inside your nest you built.
You built it up from nothing.
Just your love.
You saw me in flight.
You saw me sky-high from your nest.
I got shot down once or twice,
But you caught me mid-air.
The nights you held me still,
Through nightmares and tears.
You could make a coat with all those tears I shed.
You repel the water like eagle feathers.
But you still let me fly.
Soaring toward the sun.
You look on proudly.
Watching, to make sure I'm safe.
Your blue eyes meet mine.
In them, I see love.
In mine, you see the hurt.
You'd do anything to see me at peace.
I see where I get my strength,
In the love of others and loyalty.
And I smile to show I'm strong.
To that, I thank you.
Sinking Heart in Glass
My heart sinks,
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.
It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.
My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.
Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.
I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.
I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.
Sinks to my toes.
Deep under the ground.
It breaks like glass.
It was barricaded by it,
But it has shattered.
Maybe it's for the best.
My tears fall like the stars,
Heavy and fast.
You can't know,
Because I can't let you see me crack.
Hope abandoned,
No tune in thought.
Deadened and numb like a fallen tree.
I'm alone.
In tears I row my boat.
I feel like I have no one.
Though that isn't true.
I seal the display back up.
My heart encased in glass.
I just hope it doesn't shatter again.
What I Saw and What I See
For my father, J.W.M.
I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.
I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.
I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.
I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.
I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.
I used to think you could run.
Run as fast as a car.
Silky smooth along the road.
Missed steps as you go,
But it still looks perfect.
I see you rise above the hill.
Rising like the sun in the morning.
Triumph in your gait.
Sidestepping in sync with the wind,
But it makes me proud to see.
I heard you sing a song of stars.
Singing sweetly like the robins in spring.
The confidence I heard in your voice.
Some notes swell higher,
But it still sounds right.
I smell the glistening flower you planted.
Flowers that smell so sweet you can feel the nectar.
They smell like you.
With a hint of your cologne,
But still just as sweet.
I feel your hand patting my back.
Your hand was as rough as the work you used to do.
They feel comforting, and I miss that.
You don't do that anymore,
But I know you still love me.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tired Soul and Strong Will
I feel empty.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.
Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.
Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.
I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.
I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.
Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.
I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.
My heart feels heavier.
My eyes feel sunken.
I feel bare-boned,
A skeleton.
Desperate for love,
When I don't need it.
I'm afraid to let anyone in again,
To begin again with them.
Though I feel I see through mud,
I see through the crystal.
It shines a new light.
It glints in my eyes in reprieve.
I notice the new sprouts of leaves,
I see through green, they are alive.
Nature converges, and I am breathing.
Breathing in the fresh smell of Spring.
The fragrant air subdues my aching.
I meet the oak tree I love to climb.
I am more whole when I touch the rough bark.
I climb to reach the sky and the sun.
To claim my stake in strength.
I remain strong through plights.
Gaining wings like Greek angels,
I will fly into the midnight skies.
Singing songs to help the fallen.
Selfless acts that make my heart heavy with grief.
I'll be alright knowing others will be safe.
In my candor, I have spoken.
In time I can tell,
I'll find someone to help me feel whole.
In love and peace,
I will hold most dear.
Hidden Mountains
Snow-capped beauties,
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.
I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.
I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.
Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.
They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.
They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.
Hidden in shadow.
In the setting sun,
The light kisses the peaks.
I want to touch them,
But they are so far away.
I want to climb them,
But I cry instead.
I cry because they stand so still in their beauty.
Only eroding from rain and wind.
Secrets hidden beneath that snow.
I wish I could be like them.
Touching the starry sky,
Encased in stone, I'd touch them, too.
Life would be simple that way.
Being admired by those of nature.
They cannot love back.
They cannot love others, like I can.
I love unconditionally, unlike the mountains.
Snow-capped beauties hidden in shadows.
They touch the sky in stillness.
I touch the sky in love.
Barrier Breaker: Letting Go of the Hurt
For those in my past that chose to hurt me in the end. I am letting you go and you will stay in my past.
I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.
I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.
I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.
I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.
I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.
I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.
I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.
I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.
I bear the burden of despair.
I lay on the cool grass,
And stare at the sky.
The stars shine brightly,
And gleam in my blue eyes.
I thought of the time when someone:
Left me crying on my kitchen floor.
Claiming love for another,
Denying me that love I showed you!
I'm glad to be done with you in retrospect.
I thought of the time when someone:
Used me for sex.
Under false pretense of love.
You should have known better!
I'm glad you are out of my life.
I thought of the time when someone:
Thought it funny to play the suicide card,
To get me to stay with him.
You're screwed up for playing me like a fool!
I'm happy you're elsewhere with some other sap.
I thought about the time when someone:
Was illogical with me in his thinking,
And insulted my family in the process.
You dared to step in that direction!
I hope Boise ate you alive.
I thought of the time when someone:
Pit me against my mother for fun.
Cycling the abuse.
Verbal, mental, emotional!
I'm glad you're gone.
I thought of the time when someone:
Kept me on the hook.
Leaving me crying every night.
Relinquishing you hold to set me free!
I'm back in the water and breathing, finally.
I release the thoughts into the night sky.
You guys aren't crying over me.
The stars have you now.
No more, nevermore,
Will I spill a tear over you guys.
For What It's Worth I Am Home
I feel at peace.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.
Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.
Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.
Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
I am home.
Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.
I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.
I am filled with joy.
I hear a name and I don't crumble.
I hear a voice and it's a song.
I am home.
Your fingers splaying in offering,
I take your hand,
And our fingers lace like shoes.
Never letting go and afraid of loss.
I am home.
Soft lips brush against my cheek.
It tickles and I laugh, hard.
You see me blush and wrap your arms around my neck.
Your face in front of mine where a kiss lands, unfaltering.
I am home.
Hands, up and down my back.
A warm and touching embrace.
I feel safe and want to cry.
You hold me tighter, closer.
I am home.
Fingers sliding through my wet hair.
Slicking back and not caring.
You play with each strand.
Twirling it with soaked fingers.
I am home.
I see you sleeping.
Curled up in front of me.
Your chest rises and falls to a steady rhythm.
You look at peace and I kiss your cheek.
For what it's worth I am home.
Far Away
For C.W.
Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.
I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.
Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.
I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.
Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.
Trapped.
Trapped by inevitability.
Inevitability that you cannot seek.
Seek and never heard.
I listen,
But your voice drowns in a sea.
A sea of lonely voids.
Voids that cannot be filled.
Try.
Try as you might to swim.
Never reaching the dock.
The dock that shifts away from you as you grow closer.
I reach,
But my arm isn't long enough.
Fingers splayed and I cannot reach.
You're slipping away.
Trapped and trying.
I listen and I reach.
The stars aren't aligned.
Neither are the words I display.
End
For K.J.S.
I suffered plenty,
A fish on your hook.
You let me go to finality,
No selfishness in the act.
It ended, finally.
My heart is broken,
But I am free.
Free from that prison of contempt.
No words could describe this.
We are both genuinely free.
Free to roam,
Free to love another.
I taught you to love,
You taught me life.
We fit together,
Except we are mismatched pieces.
Nevermore will I seek you.
Nevermore will the wheels turn.
Nevermore, the words will weave.
Nevermore will we hurt in the heart.
Years will pass,
And we'll laugh at our stupidity.
For all it is worth,
Take these last words and keep them close:
I love you.
And I hope you will find your light.
I suffered plenty,
A fish on your hook.
You let me go to finality,
No selfishness in the act.
It ended, finally.
My heart is broken,
But I am free.
Free from that prison of contempt.
No words could describe this.
We are both genuinely free.
Free to roam,
Free to love another.
I taught you to love,
You taught me life.
We fit together,
Except we are mismatched pieces.
Nevermore will I seek you.
Nevermore will the wheels turn.
Nevermore, the words will weave.
Nevermore will we hurt in the heart.
Years will pass,
And we'll laugh at our stupidity.
For all it is worth,
Take these last words and keep them close:
I love you.
And I hope you will find your light.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Tidal Waves
Rise and fall.
Standing tall and towering.
Crashing in the wake of a storm.
Tidal waves collapse onto you in my anger.
I stand up to you in ferocity.
I stand up to you with energy expelled.
I take that stand because no one has.
My wrath isn't a mere splash.
I make you tremble.
I make you shiver in the coldness of the water.
I have released it all.
You get it all.
You deserved the towering wave.
Full force and drenched.
Feel how I feel and you'll know why.
I won't apologize for it.
Rising and falling.
Crashing.
Drenched.
Finished.
Standing tall and towering.
Crashing in the wake of a storm.
Tidal waves collapse onto you in my anger.
I stand up to you in ferocity.
I stand up to you with energy expelled.
I take that stand because no one has.
My wrath isn't a mere splash.
I make you tremble.
I make you shiver in the coldness of the water.
I have released it all.
You get it all.
You deserved the towering wave.
Full force and drenched.
Feel how I feel and you'll know why.
I won't apologize for it.
Rising and falling.
Crashing.
Drenched.
Finished.
Disconnected and Disjointed
Gold,
As warm as the sand beneath my feet.
As I stand a strong man before you.
Still have my trust,
So you have my hand in yours.
Hold it.
Lace it.
You see my pain.
The pain you caused in absence.
You help me believe I was something,
But that was a truth disguised lie.
You comfort me with truth,
You made me disconnect with myself.
I am something to you.
Hold it.
Lace it.
Cherish it like a precious diamond.
Turn it to treasure.
I love and care deeply,
My wounds are mended.
I am truly warm with a beating heart.
You have sewn me together, mercy.
I feel pain no more.
Turn it to treasure,
With one final touch.
Never to stone,
With one final kiss...
Stone,
As cold as frozen tears in winter.
As I stand a husk before you.
You lost my trust.
So in place you get my stone heart.
Crush it.
Beat it.
You know no pain.
Not the pain I feel.
You told me I was something to you,
But that was a lie disguised truth.
You comfort me with lies,
You made me disconnect from myself.
I am nothing to you.
Crush it.
Beat it.
Slam it against the wall.
Turn it dust.
I hurt and ache deeply.
My wounds cut right open.
I'm truly cold with no heart.
You cut me open, no mercy.
I feel pain no more.
Turn it to dust,
With one final kiss.
Never to gold,
With one final touch...
As warm as the sand beneath my feet.
As I stand a strong man before you.
Still have my trust,
So you have my hand in yours.
Hold it.
Lace it.
You see my pain.
The pain you caused in absence.
You help me believe I was something,
But that was a truth disguised lie.
You comfort me with truth,
You made me disconnect with myself.
I am something to you.
Hold it.
Lace it.
Cherish it like a precious diamond.
Turn it to treasure.
I love and care deeply,
My wounds are mended.
I am truly warm with a beating heart.
You have sewn me together, mercy.
I feel pain no more.
Turn it to treasure,
With one final touch.
Never to stone,
With one final kiss...
Stone,
As cold as frozen tears in winter.
As I stand a husk before you.
You lost my trust.
So in place you get my stone heart.
Crush it.
Beat it.
You know no pain.
Not the pain I feel.
You told me I was something to you,
But that was a lie disguised truth.
You comfort me with lies,
You made me disconnect from myself.
I am nothing to you.
Crush it.
Beat it.
Slam it against the wall.
Turn it dust.
I hurt and ache deeply.
My wounds cut right open.
I'm truly cold with no heart.
You cut me open, no mercy.
I feel pain no more.
Turn it to dust,
With one final kiss.
Never to gold,
With one final touch...
Thursday, March 14, 2013
What No One Knows
What no one knows,
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.
All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.
I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.
I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.
Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.
I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.
What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.
Is that there is a battle.
A battle that is raging in my head.
All the sorrows,
All the pain,
All that I can't handle on my own.
I burned out,
Exhausted and cold eyed.
All I want to do is sleep.
I don't want to give up.
I never do.
I can't be held down,
Not even by my own thoughts.
Pieces falling apart in my mind.
Frayed and frizzled.
I just can't pick them up.
I will walk on.
I must remind myself,
That I have friends who care.
What no one knows,
Is the battle in my mind.
And wanting to wake up from this nightmare.
Fallen
For those that don't have the strength to continue
I have fallen,
No one to catch me.
My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.
My heart is broken,
Now I cry.
I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.
You smile,
I frown.
Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.
I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...
I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.
Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.
I have fallen,
No one to catch me.
My heart is cold,
Like I'm dead.
My heart is broken,
Now I cry.
I see you together,
But I'm breaking in half.
You smile,
I frown.
Smile, because you have him.
Frown, because I could've had you.
I have fallen...
My heart is cold and broken...
I see you together...
You smile...
I am a husk of nothingness,
And laughed at by Aphordite.
Unrequited...
My heart is stone and gone.
I can't get up again.
I have fallen.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Ocean: You and Me
For the people I love in my life
I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.
I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.
I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.
I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.
I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.
I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.
I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.
I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.
I am like the ocean.
I am ever-changing.
I feel with flowing beauty,
I feel empathy of others.
I am like the ocean.
When you walk by my side,
I cleanse and support you.
Calming you with every step.
I am like the ocean.
When I feel anger,
My waves stir and foam.
You know I'm dangerous to go into,
But you stay anyway.
I am like the ocean.
When I feel sadness,
I am eerily calm.
When you try to comfort me,
The water slips through your fingers.
I am like the ocean.
I seem to not feel pain, but I do.
When I die on the inside, it'll show outward.
No matter the facade I find, it'll show.
I am like the ocean.
I love like no other.
Misunderstood, you stand on shore.
You let me ebb, you let me love.
You know my secrets in every abyss.
I am like the ocean.
In forgiveness,
And in massive power.
I am free, but imprisoned within myself.
Only in my blue eyes you can see.
The little faith I have in me.
I am like the ocean.
In that I am home.
That at my heart, you are home.
You are home, when you're close by me.
Love Like the Rain
For my memories of blissful love
Fallen rain,
A musky smell,
Fallen rain,
Like piercing
arrows shot from a recurve.
Freezing its
targets,
Skin stings like
a wasp.
A musky smell,
The ground
secretes in its defense.
It fills the air
like a noxious gas.
It smells sweet like
honey as it enters my nose.
Sheets fall and
roughly splashing into puddles.
Puddles that
look dark in the night like ebony eyes shining.
It dances aimlessly
across the plain and cracked earth.
I watch it lick
like flames in a pit.
Cool gales blow,
Churning the
puddles like waves of the sea.
I want to be on
a small sailboat rocking back and forth,
Challenging
Poseidon’s power in the wake.
Rain like this
is like love:
Rough.
I couldn’t
imagine life as rain.
Splashing to the
ground and evaporating, cycling.
Love in humans:
changes.
Changes from day-
to-day,
Never-ending,
but fading quickly.
But loving like
the rain, in cycles, is real.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Enclosed by Glass
I feel enclosed.
Enclosed in a glass case.
On display to those I know.
I see most pointing and laughing.
Laughing for the fool I am,
And for the fool I have been.
I see the rest horrified and bewildered.
Reaching out to help, but they can't get close.
Fragile faces cracking.
I pound the glass with fists of iron.
Harder, harder, but still no cracking.
I hit the bottom, crying.
I'm stuck and in the air.
Laughed at by those who don't care.
Helped by those that do.
I can't get out.
The sadness I see is mine,
On the people that love me.
I never knew the effect I can have.
All I see in this moment now,
Is myself, tear-stained in the mirror.
Enclosed in a glass case.
On display to those I know.
I see most pointing and laughing.
Laughing for the fool I am,
And for the fool I have been.
I see the rest horrified and bewildered.
Reaching out to help, but they can't get close.
Fragile faces cracking.
I pound the glass with fists of iron.
Harder, harder, but still no cracking.
I hit the bottom, crying.
I'm stuck and in the air.
Laughed at by those who don't care.
Helped by those that do.
I can't get out.
The sadness I see is mine,
On the people that love me.
I never knew the effect I can have.
All I see in this moment now,
Is myself, tear-stained in the mirror.
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